


The Journals of His Worship Inquisitor Cadash, Volume One

by BarbaraKaterina



Series: The Journals of His Worship Inquisitor Cadash [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Cadash is not a nice guy, M/M, Party Banter, but he's not an an outright jerk either, feelings that sneak up on you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 53,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23964784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarbaraKaterina/pseuds/BarbaraKaterina
Summary: On the 500th anniversary of Inquisitor Cadash’s victory over Corypheus, the Pavus family has graciously decided to make public a portion of the diaries of the famed Inquisitor, which have until now been wholly in the family’s private collection. The diaries themselves are written in code, but the cipher is attached on a separate sheet of paper in the same handwriting, with the following comment: “have fun with this, junior, and don’t think too badly of me – of us”. The Pavus family claims it was originally addressed to the son of the legendary Dorian Pavus and written shortly before the Inquisitor’s death. This volume contains all that has been made public until now: those of the diaries that span the year the Inquisitor spent fighting against Corypheus, ending just a few days after his glorious defeat.University of Orlais is proud it can bring its readership this priceless historical document in skillful translation. A critical edition, annotated by historians and Chantry experts, will follow, but we did not wish to rob the Orlesian public of a chance to read this gem any longer than was necessary. So no more hesitation – the story of the Inquisitor awaits you, told in his very own words!
Relationships: Inquisitor/Dorian Pavus, Male Cadash & Varric Tethras, Male Cadash/Dorian Pavus, Male Inquisitor/Dorian Pavus
Series: The Journals of His Worship Inquisitor Cadash [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1744396
Comments: 15
Kudos: 18





	1. Guardian

**Author's Note:**

> This is a playthrough-inspired fic, meaning the sequence of events is usually determined by the order in which it happen in one particular playthrough – something that’s especially important with party banter and personal quests, of course. At times it led to rather amazing effects, as you’ll see later on, and gave me the actual inspiration for the main plot of the fic (apart from, obviously, the framework of the DAI story and the Dorian romance).
> 
> I was wondering how to approach this, since fully fleshed DAI retelling fics are time-consuming and I have several that have been sitting in my WIP folder for years, so I didn’t want to start another – and then I realized that a journal was the perfect format for this. You don’t normally retell everything in your journal, just that stuff that’s important to you or that you need to make sense of, so it allows you to skip a lot of details naturally, meaning I can get away with not explaining stuff every reader knows because they played the game.
> 
> I tried to keep things faithful to the journal format without sacrificing readability, so formatting, for example, is a compromise. Hopefully it works. 
> 
> Also this wasn’t written as chaptered, but it’s too long to comfortably post as one chapter, so after a lot of thought I decided to do chapters by months, which is why the first one is so short and why chapter lengths will vary so much. Hopefully it won’t get too clunky anywhere.
> 
> Also, a fair warning: my Cadash is not a very nice person. He’s not an evil!Inquisitor, but he can be pretty harsh in his opinions on people, so I just wanted to say that his opinions on characters frequently aren’t my own! (Sometimes they are, though.)
> 
> Here we go.

_The official Inquisition portrait of Inquisitor Cadash._

**7 Guardian 9:41 Dragon**

So I’m really doing this.

I’m actually risking a journal.

My personal cipher is pretty much impossible to break when you aren’t, well, me, or at least someone really close to me, so the risk is small enough, but still. In case someone does manage to break it, I’d like to say here, at the beginning, that I didn’t just decide to risk it for the hell of it. I decided to risk it because I need to sort out my thoughts, otherwise I’ll go crazy, and there is no one I can actually talk to in this shithole of a place.

So. Journal it is.

To begin with, I’ll just write down the most ridiculous part of this crap. Maybe I hope that seeing it written out will help. Here goes: the humans have declared me a herald of their prophet.

No. Still seems as ridiculous as hearing it.

I have no idea if it will spread, or even last, really. But as of now, humans in the mountain village I’m effectively imprisoned in bow when they see me and call me Herald.

Which is another thing. The imprisonment, I mean. It started with actual chains and iron bars. Now I have a comfortable house I can use, but I can be damn sure that if I tried to run, they’d find me and drag me back and the accommodation would be way less comfortable after that, probably.

Not that I blame them exactly, which is the third thing. I have a weird magical thing in my hand, which, apart from making me dream, which is seriously disturbing and I don’t know how humans and elves stand it, can close ‘rifts in the fade’, which means green holes in the sky that spit out demons.

Fuck my life. Seriously, I thought it was pretty shitty before, but this just takes the fucking cake.

They originally locked me up because they thought I blew up their temple and their Divine, but since then they got visions of her saying I helped her, so that’s apparently fine now. I remember jack shit, but I survived the explosion, which I grant is suspicious as hell. Anyway, given the glowy thing in my hand is the only thing that can close the holes in the sky that keep appearing since the explosion, they’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with them.

‘Them’, by the way, means a new group called the Inquisition, which was started by two closest assistants to the old Divine, if I get it right. One is a woman called Cassandra, who was ready to kill me when I first woke up, but has since apologized, which, hey. Respect for that.

The other woman is called Leliana and is a spy. I like her. She seems like she knows her job and has a cool head on her shoulders.

Apart from them, there’s a bunch of other important people here: Cullen, who is exactly like I always imagined a military commander would be (not that I ever knew any), and Josephine, who is like a caricature of a noble, though acts very nice towards everyone. She’s the diplomat or something. Those four are the leadership. Then there are people like the apothecary and the quartermaster, you know, the usual stuff, and then a really weird elf and – and this is another incredible thing – Varric fucking Tethras.

I have no idea what Tethras is doing in fucking Orlais, but there you have it.

Still. Better him than someone else from the Guild, I guess, at least according to the rumours. Plus when he heard my name he nearly choked to death on his own saliva, so that was something.

No, really, it was a thing of beauty and I should note it here in case I ever need cheering up. He just introduced himself in this very suave tone, with some witty phrase or another, used to charming everyone around him, and I just looked at him and went: “Tethras, huh? Well, I’m Edric Cadash,” and he started choking and it took him a good half a minute before he got out a very strained “charmed”. I’m going to have fun with this.

Anyway, so the current situation is that they want me to travel to the Hinterlands and convince some chantry mother to join the Inquisition. I wanted to ask if they were joking when they told me, but no, apparently they are serious. It’s gonna be a fucking disaster, I can tell, but it’s not like I can say no.

**17 Guardian**

So, that was fun. Turns out the area they sent me to was chock full of Templars and mages fighting, as well as demons being spat out of the sky and other bullshit. On the bright side, though, the chantry mother was really easy to convince. It makes me a bit suspicious, actually – she also showed exactly zero prejudice when she saw me, which might make her the first person ever – well, no, second, come to think of it, since Tethras seemed pretty unfazed too, at least until he heard my name. Still, I suppose it is possible there are actual nice chantry mothers out there in the world. I wouldn’t know. At any rate, Giselle joined us, which was my job done, except that I was also sent to get us horses from some local guy? At least the tip came from our dwarven scout, so I was hoping he might not be too upset when he saw me. Which is pretty spot on, really – he wasn’t too upset. Anyway, we got the horses, so.

But instead of thanking their lucky starts, what the Inquisition leaders took away from this is that I’m apparently great at talking to Chantry mothers now, and are sending me to Val Royeaux to talk to a whole bunch of them. Fucking Val Royeaux. I don’t even bother to argue any more.

Also, Dasher thinks I ran off with the lyrium I was selling at the Conclave, because he’s an idiot. Lantos wrote to me – Leliana intercepted the message and didn’t even try to hide it, I appreciate the courtesy – and said Dasher might put a hit on me. I was tempted to say let him try and see how he does, given the situation, but Leliana is right that it’s easier to just pay him and be done with it.

As a side note, Lantos was right when he said Tethras is better than the rest of the Guild bunch. He’s still a rich fuck, that’s obvious enough, and he’s tiptoeing around me a bit, but he’s friendly and knows how to keep people company. Without him there, I’d have probably murdered someone on this journey. Cassandra in herself wouldn’t be too bad – I have literally nothing in common with her, but she’s not obnoxious. The elf – Solas – on the other hand makes me twitch for my daggers. I can’t even say why. There’s just something off about him.


	2. Drakonis

**6 Drakonis**

Next time we go on a long journey like this, I’m taking this journal with me, I don’t care about the risks. Over two weeks of no chance to sort my thoughts while in the middle of this mess is just too much.

Anyway, the trip to VR was the complete shitshow I knew it would be, so at least it gave me an opportunity for a nice little I told you so. Though in this case I’m not even sure it was my fault, given that some crazy ex-boss of Cassandra showed up. I don’t really get what happened there, to be honest.

On the bright side (for a given value of bright…), I got an offer of help from the mages and also recruited two new people to the Inquisition while there. Well, they’ve mostly recruited themselves, but still.

One of them is a Red Jenny, which was the first real good news I’ve had since this bullshit started – at least until I met her. The Red Jenny back home was an immensely competent woman with which it was a genuine pleasure to conduct business. This one is seventeen if she is a day, and acts like it. She’s a great shot, I’ll give her that, but...ugh.

The other one...well, we got an invitation to some noble party or whatever, so I already knew it was going to be some bullshit, and you know what, I was right. There’s some hoity toity orlesian mage or something who wants to support the Inquisition. Well, I can recognize politics going over my head when I see it, so I sent her to Haven to sort it out with Josephine. I’m sure these two speak the same language.

I never want to spend this long with just Cassandra, Solas and Tethras who’s still tiptoeing around me for company, but I’m as likely to get that wish as I am to just wish the sky into closing.

Dasher’s been paid off, so that’s something at least.

**7 Drakonis**

Tethras came up to me today when I was sitting in the local pub, sat down opposite to me, and said: “So, you’re a Cadash.”

Just like that, no lead up or anything. I mean, I guess it’s been hanging in the air, but still. So I just looked at him and went: “And you’re a Tethras.”

In response to that, he grimaced and said “fair point”, which was honestly a way better reaction than I expected, before he added: “Look...do we have a problem?”

I raised my eyebrows at him. “I thought you were on good terms with us?”

He waved his hand in the air. “Yeah, yeah, but being on good terms in the ‘currently neither of us is trying to kill the other’ sense is a different thing from drinking together,” he explained, gesturing to our situation now.

“Look,” I said, “from what I’ve heard, you’re the best of the Guild bunch, so we’re fine.”

“Thanks, I guess,” he muttered. “Is that an official opinion?”

I sighed. I’d have preferred to sit on this a bit longer, but he’d find out from his people soon enough anyway, so I said: “You know, I was adopted into the family. So it’s not like you have to go all careful around me.”

He gave me an amused look. “Don’t worry, I didn’t think you were the clan patriarch. I might not know everyone in the Carta, but I’m pretty sure I’d have known that, especially given that you do stand out in a crowd a bit. So given that you’re not in clan leadership, what difference does being adopted make? If something, it makes me even more worried about you than if you were some random cousin – the families don’t take just anyone, so you must have shown some serious promise.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, I’m good at what I do. But you know as well as I do that they do it to buy loyalty, not to dole out any of their own.”

“That depends, in my experience,” he replied, “but you’d know how it works in Ostwick better than I do.”

I’d also know better how it works when you aren’t the head to a powerful Guild family, but I kept that bit to myself. If Tethras wanted to keep illusions about the Carta, I was the last person who’d try to talk him out of them.

As it was, I got a good night of drinking out of it, and Tethras being marginally less awkward around me. Both were seriously appreciated.

**8 Drakonis**

I caught Leliana in the middle of a crisis of faith or something today. That was...awkward. Given her job and her general attitude, I kinda assumed we’d have similar views of religions, but clearly not. I had no idea what to say. Frankly, I don’t know how she can reconcile what she does, the side of life she sees, with believing in some god watching over everyone, but it’s her business, not mine.

Anyway, that happened on my way to a war room meeting, which was a completely unrelated mess. Apparently the humans’ hang-ups about mages are big enough that even in this situation, where we have holes in the sky spitting demons and we need that to stop as soon as possible, the Templars have told us to literally fuck off and the mages offered to work with us, we still have people arguing for asking the Templars for help.

And normally I would leave them to it, but given that I’m tied to this bullshit until the hole in the sky is closed, my nerves snapped and I told them we were going for the mages.

I try to tell myself that they can’t exactly kill me in my sleep because I’m the only one who can close that hole in the sky.

Once it’s closed, I better scatter as soon as possible.

(Oh and also, I talked to Josephine before the meeting started and she is certifiably insane. She keeps talking about how the Inquisition needs to bring peace to the world, and looks like she expects I’m going to be involved in that. Like I said...scatter.)

**16 Drakonis**

I’ll have to start bringing this thing even on short trips, because too much stuff keeps happening and there are some conversations I should probably write down as soon as they’re finished, because they’re just too complicated to remember later, and they could turn out to be really fucking important, from what I gathered.

So, in order: Leliana asked me to try and find a Grey Warden on our way to speak with the mages, since he was supposed to be somewhere in the Hinterlands. I did. I like him. Yeah, that’s right – I actually like someone in this smoking pile of shit. He reminds me of Averill, which is pretty funny – I mean, what do a Grey Warden and an aging whore have in common? But he does, all the same. Better not tell him, though, I’m pretty sure he’d be offended. That’s one way they’re not the same.

Once we got to Redcliffe, we got the amazing news that even though we were literally invited, no one was expecting us, and that the mages actually enslaved themselves to a Tevinter Magister, which – excuse me, what? Apparently blood magic can control minds, which is my explanation for this, because otherwise it doesn’t make sense. For lack of better options, we met with the Magister, who was sleazy as all fuck. His son, on the other hand, seemed to be relatively sane and in fact arranged to meet with us in secret, along with his friend, to explain that the Magister was apparently part of some Tevinter plot to kill me and maybe was behind the hole in the sky, because of course nothing can even be easy. My hope of being free of this bullshit once the hole is closed dwindles by the minute.

The friend – Dorian, I think he was called – was hot as fuck, but more importantly, the moment he opened his mouth, I knew what had been off about Solas the whole time.

Because they talk exactly the same way.

Oh, Dorian seems to actually have a sense of humor, and there are other differences, but most of it is the same: rich, educated fucks who never had to deal with normal people concerns for a single day of their lives.

Which, given that Solas claims to be a poor hermit from a small village, is...interesting, to say the least.

I thought about it the whole way from Redcliffe. It wouldn’t be anything extra unusual – I’ve seen types like that in the Carta, too, rich kids of Guild parents who decide to live dangerously during their rebellious phase or suddenly decide they despise wealth or whatever. They usually die pretty soon, so they never bother you for too long. But the thing is: Solas is an elf.

Where in the world do you have rich elves?

I honestly figure he must be a foreigner from some country up North where elves can be nobles or something. Like, I know they’re even worse off in Tevinter than in the South, but there are other countries up there, right? Probably one of them has elven nobility and that’s where Solas is from.

Not that it really matters. The important question is, is he just lying because he doesn’t like the rich boy image, like the idiots I’ve known, or is he hiding something in particular?

And, follow-up question: should I talk to somebody about this?

**17 Drakonis**

So Blackwall – the Grey Wraden we found, in case I’m rereading this in ten years and don’t remember – doesn’t know anything about where the other Grey Wardens disappeared, which is why Leliana wanted to find him. Given that we’re waiting for the Magister to contact us – and yeah, I actually agreed with Cullen when he said we should start looking for the Templars, because who knows what will happen with the mages being enslaved to someone who possibly caused the hole in the sky in the first place – I have time, so she’s sending me to the Storm Coast to look for some other warden that’s supposed to be there. She seems to feel he’s more likely to talk to me than to some random agents of hers, which unfortunately is probably true.

Anyway, basically as soon as she said this, some guy appeared in Haven who says is a representative of a merc company who are offering us their services, and who – get this – are waiting for us at the Storm Coast.

So obviously I took it to Leliana immediately and she agrees we need to meet them to find out how the hell they knew. I mean, the guy who represents them here pretends like it’s a complete coincidence, but. Honestly.

**23 Drakonis, Storm Coast**

Sooo. It turns out the mercs knew we were headed to the Storm Coast because their leader is a fucking Ben-Hassrath. Which he just up and told us, because that is apparently the new thing to do when you’re a spy. I sent him to hash it out with Leliana. This is way above my paygrade. Not that I’m actually getting paid, but hey, I get room and board and all the loot I can carry, so it’s not like I’m complaining.

Oh, also, pretty sure the Warden is not here, but we’ll probably continue looking for a few days. At least I took Sera (the Red Jenny girl) and Blackwall with me, so the company is a bit better. Solas, unfortunately, I can do nothing about – I do need to have a mage with me when there are demons everywhere, and I’m hardly going to take the Orlesian noble who had recently arrived to Haven. She’d laugh in my face if I as much as suggested it, and I would kill her in first five minutes of the trip if she didn’t. Solas is marginally more tolerable, though every word out of his mouth – especially those to Sera – also confirms my theories about him.

**25 Drakonis**

I should have taken Varric instead of Sera. She’s funny and a good drinking companion, but should only be taken in small doses. And I have the whole of the journey back to get through…

My only respite is the looks we exchange with Blackwall. He’s the only person in this whole mess who’s standing with his feet firmly on the ground. He can joke around with Sera, but he can be serious with Solas, too. He has more than one setting, and knows when to be what, which is more than the others can say. It’s another way he makes me think of Averill, too.

Maybe I should try to write to Ostwick. Who knows, the letter might even get to him.

**29 Drakonis, Haven**

Cassandra actually tried to have a friendly conversation with me today. It was painful to watch. I mean, I thought I was bad at small talk, but compared to her I’m a social butterfly.

Maybe there’s something in the air today, though, because only about an hour later, Mother Giselle accosted me just to throw some really heavy-handed hints my way about how I should really rely on the people around me and their support. I think she was hoping I would sit down and confide in her or something. Seriously. I mean, she might not have sneered when she saw me, but it’d take more than that to make we want to talk to a Chantry mother. That awkward moment with Leliana was enough religious talk to last me for the next year.

**30 Drakonis**

The Magiser from Redcliffe asked us to come see him at the local castle. It’s obviously a trap. Cullen almost strained something trying to convince me to go for the Templars instead, but this time even Cassandra was on my side, which I didn’t think would ever happen. Clearly giving a fucking Magister free reign in Ferelden is too much even for her contrariness.

Fortunately Leliana had some inside info about the castle and how to get in, and Dorian turned up like he promised to help disable any wards the Magister might have, so hopefully we’ll be able to get inside the castle and turn the situation on its head. It’s not like going after the Templars who explicitly told us to fuck off and are, according to our information, holed up in a huge, well-defended fortress we don’t know a secret way into would be any safer.

Also, Leliana apparently decided having a Ben-Hassrath spy is a good idea. She told me she brokered a deal with him that they’d take him if the Qun removed the other people they had in Haven, which he had accepted, and she said she’d test everyone very carefully to make sure they kept their word, which...it’s not like we’d ever be sure. But hey, she’s the expert, if she thinks the deal is worth it, I’ll respect that.

I tried talking to him today, and he was making it way too obvious how very observant he was and how he saw everything with his spy eyes. I don’t know what game he’s playing, but I don’t like it. His men sing his praises, because of course they do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About Cadash being adopted: I invented his backstory before I checked the wiki and found out the Cadash are actually a big Carta clan. It kind of pissed me off - it makes the fact that no one ever mentions your background even more frustrating. So Trevelyan gets all sorts of advantages from being from some random noble family, but you get absolutely nothing form being one of the biggest crime families in Thedas? Seriously? It shows the absolute neglect of the dwarf origin Inquisitor more than anything. So this is my compromise solution.


	3. Cloudreach

**6 Cloudreach, Haven**

Fuck everything.

Seriously, just…

So we went to Redcliffe and yes, it was a trap, and when we countered it, the Magister (I can’t believe I’m writing this) pulled out a spell that was supposed to erase me from time.

Yeah.

So.

Dorian managed to somehow disturb it, so instead it sent us a year into the future, which was a red-lyrium suffused nightmare with everyone I took with me to Redcliffe infected by the stuff. It was disgusting, and apparently the consequence of my magical mark not being available. They had Leliana, too, and it was...well. Her, they tortured more creatively than just stuffing her wit red lyrium. They all – Leliana, Vivienne (who I took with me because I thought there was gonna be some actual negotiation happening, and the Magister being a noble, I thought she could be useful) and Cassandra – sacrificed themselves to buy Dorian enough time to undo the spell and return us back.

We captured the Magister, and the moment we did, the Fereldan army marched in, with the king there in person, and they came to boot the mages out of their lands. So I offered them asylum if they helped close the hole in the sky, and that complete idiot their leader – Fiona is her name – actually hesitated.

Like, how many options did she think she had?

So anyway, she asked me about the conditions of this alliance, and I was really torn, because on one hand I don’t really get the human issues with mages – I don’t really get magic – but on the other giving this cow any autonomy was an obvious path to a disaster, but then Dorian said “surely you are better than Alexius and will give them better conditions” and well, unfortunately, he had a point. It wasn’t like the other mages were to blame for Fiona being an idiot. If I had any remaining doubts, that absolute bitch Vivienne then chimed in in her superior, condescending tone, telling me that I absolutely had to imprison the mages, and, well, that was that. I mean, yeah, her future self sacrificed herself for me and was pretty tough in a fight, but sitting in a red lyrium prison for a year presumably changes people. The one in the present is an insufferable bitch who I almost stabbed just in the two days it took us to reach Redcliffe, and giving the mages freedom was worth just the look of fury on her face.

Once we got back to Haven and Cullen found out, it was extremely educational to see the veneer of respect for the herald of their precious prophet fall of as he shouted at me like I was one of his underlings. Which he maybe thinks I am, and maybe I even kind of am, but I’m used to Dasher screaming at me when I do something my way instead of his and it’s been a while since it bothered me. It was just nice – in that really bitter way – to see I was right about all this religious respect being bullshit.

The fucked up thing is that from what we learned in that alternate future, the guy behind the hole in the sky – the Elder One they call him – is a real piece of work that won’t go away just because we close the hole, and he’ll probably continue to be after me, so I definitely won’t be able to just up and leave, since with his fancy magic, he could probably track me somehow. Better stay in the dubious protection of the Inquisition. So, since, I don’t want to be killed the moment they don’t need me to close the hole, all this led to me not telling Cullen to take a hike quite as openly as I wanted to (and as I’d have told Dasher), but still. I think he got the message.

At least Dorian decided to stay with the Inquisition, so there’ll be something pretty to look at from now on. (I might have shown my cards a bit too much there, as we were talking about giving the mages freedom and he warned me about the situation ending like in Tevinter. It honestly surprised me – I thought he wanted this, and I didn’t think he’d consider the situation back home so bad. When I said that, he just looked at me and then said I must not know many Tevinter mages. I began to say that I know him, because he did save my ass in that fucked-up future after all, and he just smirked knowingly and said “and I am amazing, yes”, which made me end the conversation with some grumbled excuse as soon as I could without literally running away. No need to make an idiot out of myself. Or even more of one.)

I promised I’d look into getting lyrium for our new mages, so I’d better go write Lantos.

**7 Cloudreach**

So I apparently have nightmares now.

It’s disgusting. As if dreams in themselves weren’t bad – weird half-remembered, vague images that sneak inside your mind when you sleep – now they’re bad images. I don’t know what it is exactly, I never really see anything clear, but I know there’s a lot of red. It figures what I saw in Redcliffe would fuck me up, even more than I was before.

Went for a walk to clean my head after I woke up and felt the Ben-Hassrath watching me. Maybe I should try hinting to Leliana that she should send him on a mission somewhere far away?

**8 Cloudreach**

More nightmares.

I went to talk to Josephine about some last minute stuff (that woman always has some last minute stuff she wants to discuss with me) and who did I meet but that bitch Korpin, all cosy, arranging lyrium shipments. She scattered the moment she saw me coming, and J clearly had no idea I even knew who she was, which is really ironic – like, I’ve talked to her about my Carta work. What does she think I was doing at the Conclave that I wouldn’t have run across Korpin? Or doesn’t she know Korpin was there for exactly the same reason? How else would she have gotten here so quickly once J needed her if she hadn’t been skulking around?

Ugh. Once we come back from closing the hole in the sky, I’ll have to send Lantos another note to watch out, Korpin is bound to try and disrupt our supply. Should probably warn Varric, too, in case he hasn’t seen her yet.

**Later**

The hole in the sky is gone.

Only after it actually happened, I realized I didn’t really believe it’d work. But it did, and now there’s a party in Haven, and I’m sitting here looking at it and still working at coming to terms.

I know it’s not actually over, there’s going to be tons of other things the Inquisition will need to do, we don’t even know if the smaller fade rifts disappeared now that the main one is closed...but

**12 Cloudreach, Skyhold**

I can’t believe this journal survived.

Every time I think about it, it makes me want to burst in the most bitter kind of laugh there is.

The whole of Haven was destroyed, but because I was sorting out my thoughts on paper before seeing Cassandra approach and having to quickly stuff it into my shirt, it survived.

The destruction of Haven, my confrontation with a madman’s aspirations to godhood, being under an avalanche, my trip through piles of snow…

I should thank the quartermaster for the quality of the paper she gets for the Inquisition, really.

Anyway, so all that happened. I’m not sure writing about it in any detail would help me – to be honest, I try not to think about it too much.

Just...it’s now confirmed beyond any doubt that the Elder One – whose actual name is Corypheus, apparently – wants me dead. Also he has a dragon, and is probably a darkspawn, but it doesn’t look like there’s another blight coming.

And that’s all I’ll say about that.

The reason I’m writing this is what happened after. For one, there were people kneeling before me, which is taking this whole herald bullshit to the next level. Like, what am I supposed to do with this? And Mother Giselle is in full support of this, apparently, and in fact facilitated it to a large degree, which made me return to my early suspicions about why she was so accepting of me.

However, I nearly forgot all this soon enough, because Solas pulled me to the side to tell me that the orb Corypheus had at Haven was made by elves, and that Corypheus managed to somehow unlock it – Solas repeated several times that he would never have believed a Tevinter Magister could do that. He then proceeded to lead us to our new base of operations, called Skyhold, which is an enormous fortress in the middle of the mountains.

And, not that I’m not grateful, since we had nowhere to go after Haven, but...isn’t this all just a gigantic red flag?

How did he know about the castle? He says he saw it in the Fade, but it’s his answer to everything and, well, I know I have no idea how Fade works, but it sounds like bullshit.

And even more disturbingly, how did he know so much about the orb? He didn’t even see it, he just heard me mention it once when I gave my recap of the story, but he sounded really fucking sure what it was. It didn’t sound like he just read some mention of it somewhere, either, it sounded like he had really fucking intimate knowledge, especially with his surprise at Corypheus opening it. Like...again, I don’t know how magic works, but if I was really surprised by someone I thought was inept opening a really complicated lock, it’d be because I’ve tried my luck at the lock several times and knew what a bitch it was. Or if it was something really legendary, I guess, but Solas didn’t say anything about the orb being some extra famous bit of magic. He sounded like elves used to have heaps of these things. Were they all supposed to be super hard to open? That sounds weird, like saying all locks made in Starkhaven are a bitch to get into. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but it really sounded like he tried and failed (or not failed, but took him a really long time) and now he’s pissed Corypheus managed.

Which is another telling thing – from the little I know about magic, I gathered the Vints were, like, the best at it. So why should Solas be so surprised a Vint can open it? If someone can, who better than an ancient Magister?

It just all raises way too many questions, and combined with the fact that he’s trying to hide his real origins...well.

I really need to talk to someone about this. The question is, who?

I’m considering Leliana and Cassandra, them being the leaders and all, and Dorian, because this needs someone who knows something about magic, but...there are problems with each of them. D is a Vint, and I know how they treat elves there, so he’s probably gonna be prejudiced. L would no doubt want to put her agents on it immediately, and as much as I see Solas as a potential problem, I do think we have more important things to worry about right now.

Maybe Cassandra is the best bet? But she’s unlikely to keep it a secret…

I’ll have to think on this.

**13 Cloudreach**

My nightmares are about Haven now, because of course they are. Not that they’re any clearer than before, but I can remember that much when I wake up.

I did think on the Solas problem, and considered Blackwall as well, but honestly, a bit more of this and I’ll start believing in the Maker business, because today I just kept getting signs wherever I turned. Mostly signs that talking to literally anyone wasn’t a good idea.

I went to see Leliana, thinking about whether to tell her or not, and got an apology for not seeing the attack on Haven coming. I don’t know why she apologizes to me, of all people, but I can see why she’s frustrated. She thinks she pulled her scouts back too early, at the first sign of danger, and that if she didn’t, we might have been better prepared. It’s possible – I always hated making these kinds of calls, and I never commanded more than a small group – but honestly, with the archdemon? I don’t think a bit more forewarning would have helped much. But I could see she was frustrated and trying to make up for what she saw as a mistake by sending scouts to all sides now, and it was definitely not the time to burden her with the Solas issue. She definitely wouldn’t have the people to look into it at this point. So I just did what I could to reassure her that these kinds of calls are always bullshit, and that I didn’t blame her. This, at least, I somewhat knew how to do. I’m glad there was no faith involved.

After this, I felt like I needed a break, so I went to see to Blackwall. We got to talking about my title of Herald, and I tried to tell him I really wasn’t, and he basically told me “well who cares about the truth, it’s a nice story people like to hear”. That’s definitely a more pragmatic approach than I expected of him. He’s right, of course, when it comes to getting nobles to ally with us or whatever, but...I guess I’d prefer not to have it thrown in my face. Should get used to his honesty, I suppose.

At any rate, if this is his approach, I’ll definitely not be telling him about Solas. I’m sure that ‘treacherous elven apostate behind the murder of the Divine’ would be a nice story people would want to hear, too. Gettign Solas lynched is definitely not my plan.

After this, I took a break, but in the evening I went to talk to Dorian. I found him as gloomy as Leliana. In his case, it was about the fact that the worst tales about Tevinter were true, that they really did destroy the world, with Magisters entering the Fade and causing the Blights and all that. It seems he’s been thinking about that since Haven. It’s hard for me to relate – he actually likes his country, apparently, for all he admits it’s fucked up. If I’d found out the Carta was behind some huge disaster, I’d just be...I dunno. Disgusted, sure, but I wouldn’t really take it personally the way he did, I don’t think.

Anyway, so it definitely wasn’t the right time to bring something like the Solas question up. Also it reminded me again that yes, him being from Tevinter might be a problem where it comes to evaluating Solas. Someone who’s that attached to Tevinter will definitely not be not-prejudiced about elves.

As a complete aside, he flirted with me again. Just, what? Not that I mind, exactly, but I don’t get it, and it’s not like there aren’t enough people around whose motivations make me wonder. I don’t really need to add mysterious flirting.

Anyway, back to Solas: I’ll have to consider other options. Apparently we got a message that some of our soldiers have been captured by the Avvar in some mire just before the Haven disaster, and the Avvar are demanding to speak to me in person to release them, so that now we have a secure base, I’m heading out there and leaving the others to prepare Skyhold for actual habitation.

I’m taking Varric and Blackwall with me for the company, and Dorian because I want to see how much he whines in a swamp. And, fine, also to have something pretty to look at in what’s bound to be a disgusting setting otherwise. Maybe the sight will inspire me re: the Solas problem.

I’ll leave the journal here – after it survived the fall of Haven, it would be really stupid to have it be destroyed by swamp water.

**30 Cloudreach**

Dorian actually did not complain once – the only one who did was Blackwall. The irony.

What Dorian did do, however, was treat Blackwall like the most typical arrogant noble jerk. Why are the pretty ones always such assholes? Not that it’s just the pretty ones – Varric was honestly the same, I guess it’s something money does to you. I figure they don’t mean anything by it, as they’ve sure both been helpful and not complete jerks when it came to the big things, but it’s bloody irritating. After a few days of it, I just told them to cut it off, and they both gave me these really surprised looks, like they had no idea what I was talking about. Blackwall thanked me after, though, and we mostly kept to ourselves as D and V kept each other company.

I’m still pissed about what he said about me being the Herald, a bit, but like before, in the Storm Coast, I was thankful for his company. He talked about his life as a Warden some, what he did when there wasn’t a blight: helping people in any way he could. Sometimes when he talks he sounds too noble for me to believe it’s not a mask, but then he says something normal again, like how he got his ass handed to him in a fight, and it makes me realize he’s probably just an actual decent person. There had to be some of them somewhere out there, I guess. And it figures it would be while saving the world that I’d come across one of them.

Anyway, we’re back at Skyhold now, obviously. I’m glad, not only to be out of the fucking mire, but because the tension with Varric and Dorian actually lasted the whole time, and it’s nice to be free of it. I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow: it’s Summerday, and from the amount of preparations everywhere, I think the Inquisition leadership has something really special in mind for celebration, even in the improvised conditions of the decrepit state of Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the Mire during this playthrough, I really got a confluence of banter that was just Dorian mocking the Wardens and Varric making fun of Blackwall by making him into a literary figure. I was like, great first impression there guys, awesome job.
> 
> And, yes, I got the location comment from Blackwall.


	4. Bloomingtide

**1 Bloomingtide (Summerday)**

They fucking named me the Inquisitor.

I don’t know if they suspected there was nothing I wanted to do more but bolt, but they did it with no forewarning, as part of the Summerday celebrations, just suddenly pulled it out in front of the whole Inquisition so that I had no way to say no.

I tried anyway, but I seriously thought Cassandra would kick me off the steps where I stood when I suggested it, so.

I’m the Inquisitor now.

I, supposedly, run this show.

That’s bullshit, of course, but I guess the title does give me some kind of power – I only wish I had any experience at all leveraging that, instead of literally every other kind of thing.

I can hardly ask Josephine to teach me to use that against the leadership of the Inquisition when she is part of it, and the idea of having Dorian teach me something leads to thoughts completely different from political machinations.

Ugh.

Why can’t I just get a job I’m actually qualified for?

**Later**

I went and talked to Leliana about what the fuck this was. “Josephine seems to be willfully blind,” I told her, “and Cassandra is clueless about the Carta, but you know precisely who I am. How did you not talk them out of this idiotic idea?”

“Because people don’t see you when they look at you,” she replied, “they see the Herald.”

I managed to figure that much out for myself, and told her so. “But from what you said,” I pointed out, “it sounded like you meant to have me make the actual decisions. That’s the part I don’t get.”

“And that’s the part you think you’re unsuited to?” She asked, sounding surprised. “Because that is one area where I have no qualms trusting you.”

She had a point. It was the public aspect I was most worried about, and there, I could hide behind the idea of the Herald. And it was not surprising, really, that the one person in the Inquisition leadership who was enough like me that she saw me for what I was would also be the one who would not be troubled by what it meant.

**2 Blomingtide**

More bullshit. Varric, who had apparently come across Corypheus before, contacted his friend the Champion of Kirkwall, and she arrived at Skyhold last night. I met with her, and I honestly like her, she seems great, and like my kind of person. She also did a job much like mine for some time, and then was suddenly dropped into being a noble and had to fight Corypheus, mages and Templars, so she had some useful advice for how not to go insane. Not that I’m a noble, thank fuck, but if ti worked for her, might work for my situation too.

We met on the ramparts – Varric probably didn’t want people trampling her asking for her signature – and chatted for a while, and then when I was coming down form there, I met Scout Harding, and she told me Cassandra just passed through there looking like she was getting ready to kill someone. Given that Leliana had already implied Hawke's presence was going to spell trouble for Varric, I followed the shouting, and yes, one of the leaders of the Inquisition was actually there trying to physically assault the deshyr of Kirkwall, almost frothing at the mouth. I admit I was a little stunned at first, but then I tried to test my new title and told her to cut it off. Just as I expected, it did jack shit, except giving Varric a chance to escape.

I followed up with him once Cassandra no longer looked homicidal, and he actually apologized to me. Which. What.

I mean, his argument with Cassandra was about him not telling a Chantry investigator, who arrested him, the location of his friend, who was suspected by the Chantry of having a hand in a recent Chantry explosion. And this was somehow, according to Cassandra, a betrayal.

So I took great pains to explain to Varric that I was absolutely, entirely on his side in this, that he did nothing wrong, and that Cassandra seemed pretty much crazy to me in that confrontation. He seemed really relieved, and it was then that I realized that in spite of all his money and influence, I wasn’t the only one who saw Inquisition as at least partly a prison and who considered himself constantly at risk.

So we had a drink, and I was really, really thankful that I had been too busy to tell Cassandra about Solas. Who knows what she’d have done.

**3 Bloomingtide**

Korpin came to see me today. I’d spotted her at Skyhold before a few times, so I’d known she survived Haven – a good thing, too, the Guild wouldn’t be above blaming me and treating it like it was a hit if she died – but now that I was Inquisitor I was apparently worth her attention once more. And oh, how the tune has changed since the Conclave! No more threats!

Unfortunately, threats I knew better how to deal with, they’re a regular part of the business.

First she tried to convince me I should no longer care about the market, because I was the Inquisitor now and it wasn’t dignified or whatever. When I told her flat out to piss off with that bullshit, she asked me – sounding genuinely interested – why I did still care, since it wasn’t like I needed the money right now, so I told her what should have been glaringly obvious, that the Inquisition wouldn’t last forever and that I’d like to have a more comfortable life once it was over than I did before. At that point she offered me a job, and when I said I’d not believe that unless I had the promise written down in triplicate, she told me that could easily be arranged.

That took me off my guard, I admit, and in the end I told her I needed time to think about it. I think I should probably talk to Varric again.

**4 Bloomingtide**

All right.

I need to...well, I think I need to get really drunk, but before that, I should apparently try to sort out my thoughts, because I’m more floored now than when I first heard humans calling me the Herald of Andraste.

I went to talk to Varric, told him about Korpin. Well, actually first I finally asked him if he was OK with her being here, because two people from different Guild families at one place is usually not a good idea, but he said that yeah, given that he’s not in the lyrium business, Korpin is a good choice, in his opinion, and that J had consulted him. That was reassuring, so I told him about the offer I got, and if he thought it was fair.

He just looked at me for a moment, and then said: “You have to think bigger, Grumpy” (I grumbled when he first called me that, which didn’t help my case, really). “You’re still thinking like mid-level Carta, but you’re the Inquisitor now. For giving her an exclusive access to supplying the Inquisition? You could ask for Guild membership.”

Which...what?

Seriously...what?

I could just stare at him for a long moment, because that is just...no. The Guild is...them. It’s those rich pricks. It’s worlds removed from me. In what universe…

I can’t deal with this.

He saw how thrown I was and tried to talk to me about his experience with inheriting his brother’s position as the head of the family, and how much changed for him. Somehow, it segued into red lyrium talk and then into how he seems to think Corypheus being alive again is his fault somehow, for not killing him well enough before. It required a bunch of shared drinks to talk him out of it, not that it was any hardship.

But now he’s gone to bed and I’m still not drunk enough for this shit, so I guess I’ll just pick up some more bad habits and drink alone.

**5 Bloomingtide**

Dealing with this shit hangover is even worse. Unsurprisingly.

The boy who came to warn us of the attack at Haven is apparently a spirit, or a demon, depending if you ask Solas or Vivienne. I can’t stand either of them, so I wasn’t inclined to listen to either, but he didn’t look like a demon and he did help us, so I saw no reason not to let him stay, at least until he actually does something wrong. So far the only dubious thing I’ve seen him do was end someone’s suffering, which I’ve done countless times myself, so.

Also, I did not think I could detest Vivienne even more, but the way she spoke of Cole did manage that. (Or maybe I just managed to forget how much of a bitch she was. I really think I haven’t spoken to her since Haven. It was just before the attack, and she told me, in that haughty way of hers, that mages were dangerous because you didn’t see them coming. I pointed out that she wouldn’t see me coming either if I decided to kill her in her sleep, and that was pretty much the end of our cordial relationship. I think today’s argument about Cole is an indication it works best that way and that I should never speak to her again.)

Hawke set out to track a Warden she knows to Crestwood near the Storm Coast – apparently it’s the same Warden we were looking for before – because of course the disappearance of the Wardens is not unconnected to all this bullshit. We will give her some time to get there and find him, and in the meantime, I’ll have a short trip to Hinterlands, since it’s now obvious that the rifts have not disappeared with closing the hole in the sky. Because that would just be too easy.

And no, I still can’t wrap my mind around the possibility of me being a Guild member.

**9 Bloomingtide, Hinterlands**

I took Iron Bull and Cole with me to the Hinterlands, with the idea that it was a safe enough location to get a feel for new allies. I also took Dorian, because while yes, he is an ass, he is by far the most palatable out of our three mages, and undoubtedly competent. And, yeah, pretty. Plus, always interesting to see how the Qunari spy will behave in front of the Vint, and vice versa.

Bull keeps mostly silent, prodding D just once about being a Vint and C once about being a spirit, which is more a behavior I’d have expected from a spy than anything he’d displayed to date. D, for his part, proved that he was completely removed from normal people concerns once again. Honestly, I don’t know what it says about me, but I think C is the most normal of the three of them – sure, he talks a little strangely, but what he talks about is completely relatable. Like, we asked him for his read on Corypheus, and he said he couldn’t get much because “there were people trying to kill me, that makes it harder”. I can relate to that much more easily than to anything that had ever left Dorian’s mouth.

Also, I am completely convinced Cole is a troll. Like, today B asked him not to do any creepy shit and C responded by blurting out his innermost secrets, which is apparently something he can do. It was priceless.

**10 Bloomingtide**

Today we came across two Carta grunts who attacked us on sight. They were clearly guarding an entrance to a base of operations, but we weren’t even trying to enter it, so it was weird. That’s not normal Carta behavior. When you can, you try to stay hidden.

Later, we took some ‘forest villa’ - honestly it was more like a small fort – from local bandits and found a letter saying they were hired by the Carta to keep people off the area of what is presumably a smuggling route. So the cave is probably an entrance to a lyrium mine. Still, doesn’t explain why the guys at the door were so trigger happy. Also makes me wonder if Korpin knows about this one, given that Ferelden is supposed to be by and large her area.

Not that I’m about to tell her. I will, however, write to Lantos, let him ask around, see if the clan wants something to be done about this. I’m not about to drag the Inquisition into a clan war, but it sounds like the kind of thing the patriarch would want to know about.

**14 Bloomingtide, Skyhold**

So, it’s confirmed: Cassandra is batshit crazy.

I went to talk to her after we returned from Hinterlands and found her drunk, mocking my role as the Inquisitor. When I pointed out to her that it was her who gave me the bloody sword, she only scoffed.

It has literally been two weeks since that happened, since she told me she would follow “wherever I led”. I knew it was bullshit, but didn’t know it was that much bullshit. And given that this is obviously all just because I sided with Varric instead of her in that nonsense about Hawke...that woman should never hold any power whatsoever. C, I mean, not Hawke.

I went to talk to Varric about it, and he told me C tried to complain to the rest of the leadership about my siding with him and they all told her to deal with it, that it wasn’t their problem, and so now she’s pissed. I reiterate: she should never be in charge of anything.

**15 Bloomingtide**

Korpin’s been hounding me about my decision. I just don’t know. Because the thing is, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be a Guild member. Like I said, the Guild is them, not me. But I can’t deny it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, and won’t I regret refusing it years later? Or even months, the moment Inquisition ends and I’m back doing Carta’s dirty work? (Not that it has any other kind of work.)

I wish it could stay open ended, like ‘get me guild membership if I decide I want it’, but I know how this works. Leave anything open and they’ll wriggle out of it like eels. I could just take a shitload of money, but I know how money works, too. No matter how much you have, you just burn through it and have nothing soon enough. I’ve seen people get thousands on a deal and be broke again in months.

Ugh. I just don’t know. I’m not equipped to make these kinds of decisions. I’ve never had to make a decision about my future before, in my entire life. I used to hate it, but really, it was so much easier.

**16 Bloomingtide**

After a lot of thinking and another long discussion with Varric, I made a deal with Korpin that goes like this: she supplies 75% of Inquisition’s lyrium in exchange for a fixed sum to be paid to me, some shares in her mines, and a written promise to support me if I ever decide to make a bid for the Guild. That way I get something even if she decides to wipe her ass with the promise to help, and hopefully something I won’t burn through as easily as the money, too.

Varric was all nostalgic about it, saying that Hawke started the same way, with some mine shares, and that at least I didn’t need to fight a dragon for it. I reminded him of the archdemon at Haven and he shut up.

I’m still freaked out by this whole thing, and not at all sure I made the right decision. At least we have an improvised pub at Skyhold now, so I have somewhere to go get that drink I sorely need. People might be sitting on barrels, but there’s ale, so. Good enough. Should probably head out there now, given that Hawke sent a message that she found the Warden, and so I’ll be shipping out again soon. Apparently Crestwood is full of undead and it’s raining constantly. Because the fucking mire was clearly not enough.

**21 Bloomingtide, a cave near Crestwood**

I was right, this is literally as hellish as the mire. We got lost three times on the way here because the rain was so thick we couldn’t see shit. We’re spending the night at the Warden’s cave, because that at least isn’t wet.

Apparently the wardens all think they’re going to die now, because of some bullshit Corypheus did, and so are probably going to do something idiotic and dangerous, because of course they are. And Varric is all upset by this, so he’s not as good company as usual, the same goes for Blackwall, and Dorian...well, I really think he’s freezing to death. I feel a little guilty for dragging him here with us, but he’s still the most palatable mage, and his fire spells are good for the undead. Still, maybe I should let him rest next time I’m headed somewhere. Don’t want that nice face get ruined by illness, do I?

He apparently plays cards with Varric. Why does Varric get to look at him for long periods of time in comfort and I don’t? (Right, probably because of what happened in the mire. Well, it’s not like I think I should have let him act like a shithead just because he’s pretty, but still, can’t help being irritated on principle.)

**22 Bloomingtide, an actual fort near Crestwood**

Today we took a fort in a group of like ten people. And yes, it was barely staffed and the gate was rotten, but still. Ten people. We heard from some locals who were nearby, doing their best to snipe the bandits when they left the fort, that there was only about fifteen to twenty of them there at any given time, and we had Hawke and the Warden still with us, so we gathered the local inquisition agents and just. Took the fort. It was less of a battle than the day before, when Dorian’s stray spell hit a druffalo and we had to fight it and its friend at the same time. This is honestly like a bad theater play. Not that I know anything about theater plays.

Dorian and Blackwall have also been assholes to each other since we set out. And I’d say that after the mire, I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s actually different: this time, it’s Blackwall who’s starting shit. And maybe D deserves it after what he said before, plus I don’t know if something happened between them at Skyhold, but Blackwall’s air of superiority is honestly getting on my nerves. When D talks about how amazing he is, you can tell he’s being sarcastic and hyperbolic. B? Not so much. I said before that he sometimes sounds like too much of a saint to be real, and it’s even worse when he’s talking to D. He doesn’t do it to D only, either, he does the same kind of thing to Varric, even though I think that unlike D, Varric realized he acted like an ass in the mire and is honestly trying to be friendly, though you still can’t really take the rich boy out of him.

The worst part, though? I tried to hint to B that yeah, they’re rich assholes, but it’s not like we’re saints just because we don’t have money. He seemed honestly surprised and offended by my reaction. Apparently, being a Warden makes him into a saint in his mind. It also seems he took what I said in the mire to basically mean I was on his side, against V and D, whatever he did, which is absolutely fucking not the message I wanted to send.

I kept wondering if I’m being too harsh on him about this, if I’m just biased because Varric is...well, maybe not a friend exactly, but something close at least, and D is pretty, but the talk I had with him about it really made it obvious that no, B is just as full of himself as D, just in a different way. I was wrong about him being like Averill, apparently.

I really do have to write to Ostwick.

With all of this bullshit, I’m very glad we have Hawke for company. I still like her. She drinks a lot, and from some hints from Varric I gather she’s not been doing that great for quite a while, but she still does what she can. I respect that. We had a talk about owning shares in a mine. She didn’t recommend it, but too late for that now, I guess. Varric insisted it wasn’t so bad, and she looked like she’d kick his ass just for uttering that.

Tomorrow we go close the rift in caves under Crestwood, so more undead and demons. Joy.

**23 Bloomingtide, Crestwood**

We closed the rift and the weather cleared up. Which is why we’re leaving tomorrow, because of course it is. Also the local mayor apparently intentionally flooded his village during the blight to get rid of the blight-sick, then ran when he thought we’d figure it out. Stroud (the warden we have with us) is all judgmental about it. I’d like to know what he’d done in that situation.

An interesting tidbit: Varric and Hawke were discussing Inquisition members today, and V talked about how Solas joined, basically turning himself in to the Chantry, handing over his staff and offering help. It makes me wonder: was it really all him being self-sacrificially noble, like when he joined me in Haven for a suicide mission, or was there something more behind it? Was it just that, as someone who was raised a noble, he has that feeling of invulnerability they sometimes get? He apparently claimed he knew so much about the breach, and that his knowledge was so unique, that he couldn’t not offer help, but that just makes me more suspicious. Could it be he knew so much about the breach because he knew so much about the orb, even before I told him Corypheus had it?

Ugh. Another thing I absolutely must talk to someone about. I got distracted by being named Inquisitor, and by the Guild membership bullshit, and a million other things, but I really shouldn’t forget about him.

**27 Bloomingtide, Skyhold**

I rode into the gates, exhausted after the journey, and the first thing that happened was Josephine and Mother Giselle pouncing on me, asking me to arrange some Chantry-related thing or another.

I can now understand perfectly well why kings execute so many people.

I’m immensely proud of myself for telling neither of them to fuck off. I mean, what I did tell them amounted effectively to the same thing, but at least I was a little bit more polite.

Varric, Hawke and Dorian all almost died of laughter at my reaction, while Blackwall stared at me in stern disapproval.

Asshole.

**28 Bloomingtide**

All right, I give up. I’ve had over a month of steadily worsening nightmares, and as little as I remember them, I know they’re always about the fall of Haven, so apparently I do need to write about it. Maybe it will help.

Like I said, I don’t know what is it exactly I’m dreaming, but I know that after I wake up, I’m always stuck on the same thing. It’s not really the fight so much, or about Corypheus. I mostly end up thinking about that moment in the Chantry when Cole told me Corypheus only wanted to kill me and didn’t care about the rest.

As long as I remember, I’ve done everything to keep myself alive. It was my main motivation in doing pretty much anything. Realizing that the only way out of this was to willingly sacrifice myself was...well. It was not a good moment. I spent precious seconds wrestling with it then, and I’m still doing it in my fucking dreams.

I always thought most people worked like that, just trying to stay alive, so it’s strange for me to see it might not really be true. The moment I announced I would provide a distraction, Cassandra volunteered to stay with me, which didn’t really surprise me back then, as did Solas – that surprised me a bit more – and Dorian, which surprised me enormously. Why would they do it? Particularly him, who is rich and has, presumably, a very comfortable life ahead of him? I didn’t want to sacrifice my shitty life, why would he want to sacrifice his comfortable one? Besides, C and S had both been with the Inquisition from the start, so I could understand them feeling responsible – maybe Varric would have offered too, if he’d been present at the time – but D was much more removed. He was with me when I went to close the Breach, yes, but that was merely out of curiosity about the magic, from what I could gather.

Maybe I should ask him. Maybe asking him would help me deal with the situation, with the decision I was forced to make there. There wasn’t any real choice in that – it was either ‘you die’ or ‘everyone dies, including you’ - but I still walked out of that Chantry to face Corypheus, and part of me just can’t to terms with the fact that I did that. If he explains his motivations, my own might start making sense.

The problem, though, is that I don’t exactly feel comfortable discussing things like that with him. I’m not comfortable discussing things like that with anyone, of course, and Cassandra or Solas would obviously be much worse, but still. Plus, as much as I hate myself for it, him being so hot makes it worse. I don’t want to sound like an idiot in front of him, even more than I don’t want to sound like an idiot in font of others.

I think I’ll wait to see if the nightmares go away after writing about them here, and if they don’t, I’ll try to get over myself and talk to him.

**29 Bloomingtide**

I had another bad night – this one even worse, really – so I think there’ll be no avoiding talking to Dorian. Still, it would probably be weird if I just came up to him and started asking things like that out of the blue, so today I just came up to him to talk a bit, ask him about himself, the kind of stuff that relaxes people and makes them more open to your questions later on.

Of course, the moment I did start asking about him, he made some kind of his usual comment about how amazing he was, and I, like an idiot, muttered something like ‘you don’t have to tell me that’. And he pretty much beamed at me before coming up with his usual witty reply. Beamed. I mean, what?

I suppose he has a dwarf kink. Or a Herald of Andraste kink, but he doesn’t seem like the type, and if it was an attempt to gain more power by fucking the Inquisitor, he’d have flattered me, not himself. So. Yeah. Probably a dwarf kink.

Which if something I’m well familiar with, given that’s it’s usually the only way I can get a hot human to fuck, but the thing is, what’s up with two months of flirting? He’s definitely not the shy type, so why the fuck would he spend two months not making a proper move?

I don’t get it.

It also, of course, completely derailed the conversation, because it shot my ability to concentrate on where I wanted to lead it in the foot. Oh well. Next time, I guess.

**30 Bloomingtide**

Tonight, Bull took me to “speak to the troops” in disguise so that I had a more personal relationship to them and could relate to the common soldier.

I am honestly confused.

Is he actually an idiot, or does he want me to think he is?

Because it’s not the common soldier I have trouble relating to, it’s the bloody leadership of the Inquisition.

On a completely different note, Sera found a way for the Inquisition to help Red Jenny, and it’s even on our way, given that I gave the order (yeah, I apparently do things like that now) to send some troops to Orlais to secure the road to the end of nowhere kind of place where the Wardens seem to be headed. Finally some genuinely good news. The Red Jenny thing, that is, not the other one. Desert in the summer is going to be hell.

Fortunately I have a bit of time still – they will need at least two weeks to get enough of a foothold in Orlais for it to be safe for me to go there, so in the meantime, we’re going to Ferelden again to close some more rifts. We’ll leave in a few days.


	5. Justinian

**1 Justinian**

Another bad night. I went to Dorian determined to ask him about Haven, but he had just gotten a letter that his friend – Felix, the son of the Magister from Redcliffe – died. I’m not exactly good at comforting people, but I tried doing my best. Which, yeah, is pretty bad: my abject failure can be judged by the fact that I actually asked him whether he was Felix’s lover, because I’m apparently a jealous idiot. I guess I should be glad I didn’t kiss him, which was the other thing I wanted to do. Seriously. I didn’t think even I was this sleazy, but apparently I am.

Anyway, the friend apparently gave a glowing testimony of the Inquisition in front of all the Magisters just before he died. Not that I think it will do anything, but still. He really was decent.

It actually got me to write that letter to Averill I’ve been thinking of. I don’t want to as much as think of him dying, but I realized that if he did, I wouldn’t even know. I...really hate that idea.

Obviously the letter will be read, so it’s not like I can write what I actually want to, but it’s better than nothing, I guess.

Cullen told me today that he stopped taking lyrium, because he doesn’t want to be addicted. It made me think back to all he desperate addicts we were selling lyrium to, who would have done anything to get it. I can see his point. The problem is, he said that if he can’t perform his duties, they will fall to Cassandra, and...no. Just no. Literally anyone else (well, maybe except for Vivienne), but not Cassandra.

I also went to talk to Blackwall to try to get his take on this whole Corypheus and the fake calling business. He says he knows nothing about it. Honestly, is there anything relating to the Wardens he does know something about? I’d understand if he was just some random nobody, but he is apparently a decorated hero or something, so it seems much more likely he does know and is just not telling us. And maybe he has a completely innocent reason for that, but I don’t know. I’m beginning to be a little wary. Maybe overly so – I caught myself today thinking about whether his staying by the stables, helping build it, helping Dennet with the horses...was that all part of a ‘perfectly harmless’ mask? I’m getting paranoid. The man is allowed to like horses, for fuck’s sake.

**2 Justinian**

I did my first judgment as Inquisitor today, because yes, that’s another thing I apparently do. I sent the father of the Avvar idiot I’d killed in the Mire to harass Tevinter. It was...actually much better than I expected judging someone to be.

After that, I finally talked to Leliana about Solas. It’s been a while since Haven, so I figured she’s relaxed enough about our security to have some people to spare at least, and I’ve ignored the problem for too long. I wanted to start carefully, no outright accusations, so I just asked her what she thought of him. She got rather defensive, arguing that he might be an apostate but that she didn’t think I’d mind, given that I let mages keep their freedom. So then I tried to explain why I was asking. I told her he talked like a noble, and it clearly surprised her, but she admitted he had been extremely evasive when she questioned him when he first joined. The only thing he gave her, apparently, was the name of a small village where he was reportedly born, warning her in the same breath it was so small it would never be found on any map. She admitted that she didn’t think ti was a priority, so she didn’t allocate any resources to it, but that she could try to look it up. That sounds like a good idea to me. Actually tracking down his place of birth and some people who knew him when he was young could be enormous help. And if someone can find some complete shithole in the Anderfels or wherever, it would be Leliana.

She also gave me a letter from Lantos. He tells me clan patriarch says to leave the Hinterlands lyrium mine alone, but thanks me for the info. I’m relieved, to be honest – the last thing I need is something else to worry about.

I finally had the time and energy to do the rounds around the mostly repaired castle. Skyhold now has a functional garden, we have a new specialist for runecrafting (she seems mildly insane), and I offered Josephine to talk to me because I’m trying my best to keep my relationship with her tolerable even though I constantly want to tell her to piss off, and she talked nonstop for two hours. Never making the same mistake again. Got drunk with Varric as a reward for surviving that.

**13 Justinian**

Just came back from a rift-closing trip with Bull, Sera and Solas (once again, a relatively safe region allows me to take the people I don’t trust and let the others rest a bit). The only interesting thing that happened was watching B trying to relate to Sera, much more confidently and successfully than he had to Cole or Dorian before – unsurprisingly. Should drop a warning to L about S being recruited by the Qun.

Also we recruited some random noble to work for the Inquisition after his lover died (I hope he’s rich) and killed two Tevinter mages Dorian explicitly asked us to murder on his behalf. I wonder what that’s about.

Plus I think Bull noticed I was having nightmares, which makes me all kinds of uncomfortable. Sera knows too, given that we shared a tent, but in her case I don’t really care as much.

Anyway, the actual reason I’m writing today: Josephine asked me for help with some aristocratic bullshit, because we’re apparently friends now after I didn’t throw her off my balcony for talking nonstop for two hours. All that I managed to understand was that her family is filthy rich but she wants them to be even more filthy rich. I was just about to tell her to piss off when assassins came up. It seems they killed some of her envoys. That, I suppose, could be a potential danger to the Inquisition, so I reluctantly agreed to go meet some information source with her (luckily it’s in Val Royeaux, so not that far from where we’ll be headed anyway) – provided we go in a bigger group than just the two of us. I mean, this smells like a trap a hundred miles off. She agreed, though not without a lecture about how the noble we’d be meeting is respectable and wouldn’t try anything. At that point I just up and left.

It’s all bullshit, but the most incomprehensible part is that she apparently really expected me to help with this crap out of compassion for her poor noble family. Just...what?

**14 Justinian**

I’ve been successfully avoiding Cassandra for a while now, but today I walked into the war room and she was there. Apparently she needs my help with finding the missing Seekers, because they haven’t shown up among the corrupted Templars. So she just asked. No apology, nothing. And the thing is that we can’t really afford to leave this be, in case Corypheus is doing something similar to them as he did to the Templars and Wardens, so. I’ll have to help her.

And if that wasn’t enough, I went to calm down in the garden and met Mother Giselle, who basically admitted to me she had manipulated the situation so that I’d become Inquisitor. I’m not even surprised any more.

Fuck all this, seriously. Getting drunk with Varric once more sounds like a sensible plan. At least he gets my complaints about Cassandra, even though he didn’t really get my problems with Josephine when I complained. Let’s see what he thinks about Giselle.

**15 Justinian**

Mother Giselle, who clearly didn’t manage to notice how pissed I was at her (and who Varric seems to think is all right and means well, for some reason), cornered me today to get me to trick Dorian into going to Redcliffe to meet their family servant, because she hopes D will agree to go back to Tevinter with him, and she really wants him gone from here. She basically admitted as much. I think I deserve some praise for not stabbing her. And then when I went to find D to tell him about it, he was playing chess with Cullen. So apparently it’s not just cards with Varric, he seems to be spending time with everyone except me. He was flirting with him, too, because of course he was. To a Vint, the blond hair and blue eyes must be downright exotic. So I ended up playing chess with Cullen, which wasn’t terrible, but…

I made another attempt at Dorian in the evening, and this time I managed to give him the letter from his father (who’d asked Giselle for the meeting). He was pissed, but decided to go anyway, to see what his family wanted. He also asked for my help, in case it was a trap. We were supposed to leave for Val Royeaux the day after tomorrow, so me and D will go to Redcliffe first thing in the morning, for this meeting, and then meet up with the others on the Imperial Highway.

But speaking of letters, I got a reply from Averill. Apparently Lantos told me what became of me, so at least he didn’t think I died in the explosion, but I still got a talking-to for not writing earlier. Fair, I guess. Nothing much new in Ostwick, it seems, except for two rifts that appeared inside the city walls. I wish I had time to go there and close them. Averill writes the city is really missing its circle right about now, would be convenient if they could just throw mages at the demons. Some have apparently volunteered, but they’re stretched thin. At least one of the rifts is in rich town, so that’s something.

Averill asked me to keep writing. I’m very glad I taught him to read now. I’ll have to think about how much I can afford to tell him, if this is going to be a regular thing.

**16 Justinian, Inquisition camp in the Frostbacks**

Today as we set out towards Redcliffe, Dorian apologized profusely for dragging me all the way there for this – he says his father must have arranged this when Haven still stood (it makes sense – it takes time for letters to go to Tevinter and back), and so picked the closest town. He assured me the meeting would have been in Jader if his father knew where we were settled now. I think this works better, actually – Redcliffe is definitely a safer location for us than an Orlesian port town – but mostly I was confused by D insisting so strongly his father wouldn’t have wanted to inconvenience us even as he ranted about how terrible he was. That relationship seems...strange.

It was decent of him to apologize, though.

**17 Justinian, Gherlen’s Inn**

D is actually surprisingly good company on the road when it’s just him, even when he’s (understandably) in a shit mood. I mean, I decided to help him because yes, I have a weakness for him, but I expected the journey to suck. He’s good company to talk to when I see him in Skyhold, but on missions he makes me want to stab him half the time. But for some reason – maybe he forgets to be insufferable when he’s upset – today was fine. He didn’t talk as much, but when he did talk, it was to discuss Corypheus and the Venatori and the ind of support they have in Tevinter in a way that made sense and was useful without being condescending.

I also carefully asked him about Alexius, but apart from saying he went to see him once, he refused to elaborate. Fair enough, I suppose.

I also thought about asking him about Haven and why he offered to sacrifice himself with me, but now doesn’t seem like the right time for a conversation like that.

**19 Justinian, an Inquisition camp in the Hinterlands**

So me and Dorian both thought it was gonna be an attempt to kidnap him back to Tevinter, but it might have been even worse.

It was actually his father waiting for him in person, and it turns out the reason why D left Tevinter was that after finding out D was into men and refused to pretend he wasn’t, his father decided to just control him with blood magic and make him pretend.

I was completely speechless, and I admit I have no idea what my face looked like as I had a brief but very intense flashback to the other Carta boys jeering at my painted nails, and to Averill giving me a stern talking-to, and then then the sting of getting my tattoo.

The moment I came back to myself, I looked at D, looked at his father, and decided we should have been out of there yesterday. In fact, we should never have come.

I voiced that opinion, D agreed, and we left for the nearest Inquisition camp. Neither of us would have slept comfortably in the same inn as his father.

**Later**

Can’t sleep. Keep thinking about two things: my teenage years, and the fact that D is into men.

I have no interest in writing about the first, but the second...I mean, it’s not like I had no idea. The flirting had to lead somewhere. But it’s one thing to occasionally like some dick – a lot of men do – and to be, well, exclusive. That’s usually what gets you, at least in the Carta it was, no idea about Tevinter. But if I remember right, D said something about being forced to marry some woman, so probably it’s similar.

It makes no sense – nothing really changed in this regard – but I can’t help but see the flirting in a completely different light now.

**20 Justinian, Calenhad Inn**

We didn’t speak all day today as we rode back to Skyhold, not until we reached the inn in the evening. There, as we settled into our room, I did my best to offer some kind of sympathy, since I was too thrown to say anything the evening before (plus, there were Inquisition scouts listening).

“The worst part is that my father is a good man, you know,” Dorian said.

I could only stare at him. “He tried to use blood magic to change you,” I pointed out.

“He is the one I have to thank for any principles I have,” he returned. “About blood magic, like I said, but all the rest, too. It’s just that his shame was stronger.”

I gritted my teeth. The entire time we were in the room with his father, I wanted to stab him. “Look,” I said, “I could maybe accept that if he came in and opened with a sincere apology. But that he still has the gall to insist it was for your own good?”

He sighed. “You’re right,” he said, and then, sitting down heavily on his bed, “I can’t imagine what you think of me after that spectacle.”

That was a bit too much for me. “Are you kidding?” I asked, pacing around the room. “Look, I’m sure you’ve noticed I don’t think much of nobles, wherever they’re from. Being poor sucks, you’re always a victim to the whims to those above you, and hearing you – not just you, it’s Josephine, Varric, half of the Inquisition, really – talk just makes it more obvious how far you’re removed from normal people. But this right there, with your father, made me think back to my young years like nothing has for a long time. And I can tell you, being poor sucks, but at least the worst I was facing for being who I am was getting beaten up, not being controlled by fucking blood magic for the rest of my life.”

Dorian’s eyes widened in that moment, “Being who you are…?” He asked carefully.

I rolled my eyes, stopping in front of him. “Don’t play dumb. You’ve been flirting since the day you arrived, and I you can see my face as well as anyone.”

“I didn’t want to assume...”

I snorted at that. “I got these tattoos the day I promised myself never to hide again. They were a pledge, a way to make it impossible to hide. I got them because I want people to assume.”

He gave me an intent look that pretty much melted my insides. “I know what you mean,” he said then, still looking into my eyes. “My father doesn’t understand what lying about something like this does to you, how it twists you up inside. You have to fight for what’s in your heart.”

And, well.

That’s when I kissed him.

That’s right. I, Edric Cadash, kissed Dorian of House Pavus, an Altus of the Tevinter Imperium and one of the most beautiful men in Thedas.

And the even more incredible part? He kissed me back.

It wasn’t exactly a peck on the lips either, and when he pulled back, it was to invite me to go down to the tavern with him and drink. We did, and spent several hours there before we returned to sleep.

Or, he did. I’m sitting here writing this stupid diary like a teenage girl, excited at kissing her first boy. But even if it never leads to anything more, I’ll always be glad I got to kiss that face.

**21 Justinian, Gherlen’s Inn**

So apparently there have been increased bandit attacks in the mountain part of the Highway in the last few days, what with some of the snow melting with the warm weather and all that, and so Vivienne and Blackwall joined us a bit earlier than planned, waiting for us at the inn, to provide more safety in numbers.

Which is just great.

I’m not normally the type to pretend nothing happened after a night together – or even after a few shared kisses – unless explicitly told to do so, but given the context...well. I’m not sure how much of yesterday was a reaction to the stressful events for D. Or, even if it wasn’t, if he just finally gave himself leave to enjoy his kink, if he didn’t simply forget to ask for secrecy because of all the other things on his mind.

I’d hoped to clarify tonight, but I’m not naive enough to think there’s such a thing as a private conversation with Vivienne in the same pub. Of course, she shares a room with D and I share with Blackwall, because that is how they expected us to prefer it and so that is how they arranged it. There aren’t any more free rooms, and they are unlikely to be in the next few days – this is a frequented road, and a popular time to travel. Given how long this journey is planned to be...well. This could have gone better.

**23 Justinian, Frostbacks Inn**

I was right. This sucks. We spent last night in the Inquisition camp in the mountains, and it was a lot of charged looks over the fire, like we’re in some stupid novel. Today we’re back at an inn, divided into rooms the same way, and when I met D in the hall we had about ten seconds to try and say something before Vivienne appeared. My patience for her is even lower than usual under these circumstances, so I’m honestly surprised I didn’t stab her.

**25 Justinian, Lydes**

Today I realized that it’s not accidental Vivienne tends to appear wherever we are: she’s doing it on purpose. Either she noticed the tension between us, or she just doesn’t trust him in general. Either way, I’m pissed.

In other news, I’s lucky we’re traveling on the Imperial Highway and not in dangerous wilderness, because I’m completely distracted. Dorian has way too good a posture in the saddle, and it’s not like I haven’t noticed – or looked – before, but now that my looking might possibly lead somewhere, I can’t tear my eyes away.

**26 Justinian, Royal Coast Inn**

Today on the ship, I confronted Vivienne about not trusting Dorian, and not trusting me to protect myself. She gave me one of her condescending looks and said: “Darling, if you will not take care of your safety, then, for the sake of the Inquisition, I will have to do it for you.”

It’s clear she won’t stop unless I actually kill her. I’m seriously considering it.

Dorian spent the day being sick in his cabin, so at least my libido got a break. Something to be thankful for, my fantasies are starting to take over my every waking moment,

And sleeping, actually. I just realized that I haven’t had a Haven nightmare since we kissed. Well, what do you know. Erotic dreams can actually be useful.

**28 Justinian, Val Royeaux**

We met with Josephine and went to see her source of information. It wasn’t a trap, exactly, but it was a still an assassin who wanted to warn her his guild had a contract for her head. Or, well, for the head of anyone trying to make her family even more filthy rich, so the easiest solution would be for her to stop doing that, but that had obviously not even occurred to her. Honestly, she is fast becoming my least favorite member of the Inquisition – well, beside Vivienne. But even Cassandra is more self-aware.

Blackwall might not be, though. I overheard a conversation he had with Vivienne which made it sound very much like he used to be relatively well-off before he became a Warden, which...was all of his dislike of nobles just bitterness for what he’d lost? That would be even worse than what I’d been afraid of.

Also, still haven’t managed to ditch Vivienne to talk to Dorian. There are no words for how much I hate this. I don’t think I’ve ever masturbated this much in my life.


	6. Solace

**2 Solace, a camp in the Exalted Plains**

Today, after some undead encounters, we found the last of the Venatori Dorian had helped Leliana locate and particularly asked me to eliminate. I didn’t ask back then, because it seemed too personal – the guy literally said he’d call them friends if he didn’t want them dead, which smelled like some very personal betrayals, something I was all too familiar with and knew I wouldn’t want someone I barely knew poking their nose in – but when he came to thank me tonight after Vivienne had gone to sleep (apparently trusting Blackwall to chaperone us for once), I couldn’t quite resist some questions.

He cast a look at Blackwall, who was sitting on the opposite side of the fire to us, and I nodded in understanding and changed the topic to today’s encounters with undead and the way they were magicked into existence until Blackwall got bored of D explaining magic and went to sleep as well.

Once he was gone, D waved his had – a privacy spell, apparently – and settled more comfortably next to me. There was a long silence in which he offered me his bottle of...whatever it was and we both drank, and then he said: “He helped my father with the ritual.”

I stared at him. “What?”

“Indeed. He was an old family friend, I’ve known him for as long as I can remember. One of those uncles you have that aren’t really related to you at all. The fun uncle, too – he was younger than my father by almost a decade.” Dorian was talking in that detachedly bitter tone that told me he would want to drink more than the contents of that one bottle tonight.

“And the ones we killed in Hinterlands?” I asked carefully.

“One of them was a woman close to my age. We used to play together as children, and we kept on good terms until adulthood, or so I thought. The last one was a son of a family friend, and my lover for a while, before we were caught in flagrante delicto one day and he disappeared on me. He at least didn’t actively work on the ritual, I have to concede that much. He knew about it, however, and never thought to warn me.”

I was a little confused by all this. “Why did your father ask for their help in the first place? I’d have thought that the risk of them warning you, if they knew you so well, would occur to him.”

“Well, he needed someone’s help,” D pointed out. “He’d never practiced blood magic before. And he needed people he could trust, who wouldn’t use it against him. Who else to ask than old friends? But you’re right, of course – that’s how I found out. One of the people my father turned to warned me. Ironically, it was someone I didn’t know all that well. She was the wife of a friend, I’ve only ever met her on a few occasions. In her case, unlike the others, I knew she practiced blood magic, so I didn’t think much of her and didn’t exert any effort to get to know her. But it was only her, out of the four of them, who contacted me.”

“Why did she do it, do you think?” I asked.

“I questioned that, too, to her face,” he replied. “I was angry, and so I threw her use of blood magic in her face, wondering why someone like that would bother. She told me on no uncertain terms she only ever used her own blood, because it was, according to her, more ethical than supporting lyrium trading. I would never, she had told me icily, use it to do a binding, and I am deeply offended your father thought that of me. After that, I just slunk away with my tail between my legs.”

I shook my head at the story. More ethical than lyrium training my ass, I thought, but didn’t think that was something I should be commenting on. “I’ve had my share of betrayals,” I said aloud, “but this...this just sucks balls.”

He gave me one of those bitter smiles. “All betrayals are much more exciting with blood magic!” He declared.

We drank together in silence for a time after that, and then he said slowly, staring into the flames: “About what happened two weeks ago...”

“Yes?” I asked, turning to him, and he turned to me, and then...well, then we were kissing again.

I guess we did try to actually talk about it like adults? Or he did, anyway. What we ended up doing was making out by the fire for quite some time. We still haven’t fucked – no need to give Vivienne that much of a show – but still, this is a pretty satisfying development. We’ll see how long it lasts, but it left me with a distinct hope of a repeat performance, and actual sexual satisfaction in the future. As it was, I of course ended up jerking off once more before I went to bed. But at least I now have more material to fuel my fantasies.

**3 Solace**

I’m very glad to have the perks of D’s company now (and yes, there was a repeat performance), because this trip would be completely insufferable otherwise. There were more undead today, as well as two Orlesian fortresses – well, one was only a small garrison – and one completely insufferable general I wanted to stab in the balls. From what he said, he works for Gaspard, the one behind the Civil War. Given that we will probably have to go to that bloody peace talks ball, it’s good to remember. What kinds of underlings he chooses often says a lot about a guy.

Apart from that, the day was spent by listening to Vivienne jibe at Blackwall – I never knew she had a sense of humor, but I swear she is trolling him – and him displaying his complete contempt of her for being rich, which given what he let slip is bizarre. Or is he upset because of what she made him let slip? He’s as terrible towards Dorian as always, and it’s not like I don’t see his point sometimes – when he said “what comes out of your mouth is exactly what comes out of theirs”, I knew precisely what he meant – but I’m more and more convinced there’s something else behind this.

At least Vivienne leaves tomorrow, and Varric will be joining us instead. I only took her because I thought her being present at our first foray into Orlais could be useful, but it was about as much as I can stomach of her, and I’m sure she’d hate the journey to the desert (not that I won’t). And of course we’ll be meeting Hawke, so Varric has to be there.

**4 Solace**

Given that we’ll be sleeping in an actual inn tomorrow, tonight I managed to tear myself from making out with D for long enough to ask him if he wanted the fact that we were involved public or not, given that we could easily share a room, but hardly keep it a secret.

I could see the question made him uncomfortable, which didn’t exactly surprise me. “It’s fine,” I said, “I don’t mind keeping it under wraps, it’s just that it robs us of a chance for a real bed and some privacy, now that Vivienne is gone.”

“Yes, thank the Maker for small mercies,” D muttered. Then he gave me a look. “Don’t misunderstand, I don’t want this to be shameful secret,” he said, which, could have fooled me, “but the idea of it being public knowledge makes me...uncomfortable.”

I could only shrug at that. “Like I said, it’s fine.”

It isn’t, though: I really want to fuck him.

**5 Solace, Verchiel**

Inns have one major disadvantage compared to campsites: there is no privacy in the dark by the fire.

We ended up retreating early from dinner together and making out in the hall, but it left something to be desired. Or rather, even more than usual.

I keep thinking about that idea of that Tevinter mage, that blood magic with someone’s own blood was more ethical than supporting lyrium trade. It sounded so absurd when he said it – blood magic, the ultimate evil, right? - but the more I think about it…

I know better than most people how many die every day for the lyrium trade. I was never too cut up about it – that’s just life – but if blood magic is evil because it tends to kill people, well, lyrium trade does exactly the same. And if someone uses blood magic without killing people, it does stand to reason it would be the more ethical choice, doesn’t it?

Ugh. Weird and uncomfortable. I’m not cut out for these kinds of thoughts. I should be having sex with Dorian, then I would be too tired to be thinking of such bullshit.

**7 Solace, Val Firmin**

Today, as we were leaving the tavern together with D, Varric gave me a look that spoke volumes. I don’t think D’s plan for secrecy is shot. I admit I didn’t try particularly hard. It would have made this needlessly complicated. But I don’t plan to tell him – the last thing I want is for him to decide he wants to stop these encounters completely before we even sleep together.

**10 Solace, Western Approach**

So yeah, Wardens are actually summoning demons, and very unsurprisingly, this also makes them magically enslaved to Corypheus. I mean, I didn’t expect this exactly, but I expected something like this, at least. The army of demons from the future we saw in Redcliffe had to show up somewhere, after all.

The guy behind it got away from us. Given the direction he ran, Stroud assumes it was to Adamant, which is some ancient Warden fortress. (I can’t stand the guy, by the way. He tried to excuse the Warden commander deciding to sacrifice the majority of her people just because demons would be a bit more convenient in the Deep Roads. I know with the Calling, they didn’t think they had that much long left to live anyway, but still. Besides, it would take an idiot not to figure out that all Wardens hearing the Calling at the same time is suspicious. Even Hawke, who’s supposedly his friend, looked about ready to punch Stroud for making excuses.)

He also says Adamant is a huge, extremely well fortified place, especially if it’s filling with Wardens. Preparing a siege of something like that, he said, would take a long time. So we sent a message to Skyhold and then wondered what to do. Stroud and Hawke will head to Adamant to scout it out soon, but it seems inevitable we will have to try the siege, which will mean moving troops to this shithole, so we decided to try and take the local keep tomorrow. There are some Venatori holding it, but D assures us that they don’t have enough numbers to actually make it viable to holding a keep like that properly all the way over here, so. It probably won’t be quite as easy as the one it Crestwood, but it should be manageable.

Also, this place might actually be even worse that the fucking mire. D is happier though – likes the hot weather.

**11 Solace, Griffon Wing Keep**

We took the keep. The gate wasn’t rotten, like in Crestwood, but wood does get awfully dried up in here, so D just layered a lot of fire mines under the gate and it basically gave way. Fortunately, there are more Inquisition forces in the area than there had been in Crestwood, what with having expected a possible big fight with the Wardens, so we had the numbers to take the about thirty or forty Venatori inside. Hawke finds it very funny that every time we’re with her, we take a keep.

We’re spending the night here, and I’m really hoping that finally having a room of my own for the night will give me enough privacy to actually have sex with D.

**12 Solace**

Apparently I wasn’t the only one thinking about it, because almost as soon as I settled in for the night yesterday, D walked in with that prowling walk of his and offered, to quote, “something more primal” than flirting. Under normal circumstances phrasing like that would probably make me burst out laughing, but I was too keyed up for that, so instead, I gave my very enthusiastic consent. Honestly, I have no idea why he thought he needed to seduce me.

So yes, we did have sex. And it was fucking glorious. I needed that so much. His body is just as perfect under those robes as it seems when he’s dressed, and he is really excellent in bed, with quite an impressive stamina. No obvious signs of the dwarf kink yet, but I’m sure it will come.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, this afternoon on the way back to outskirts camp from the keep we found some weird Tevinter ruins with stopped time, because of course we did. Plus there’s weird poisonous mist in the area around the keep. And darkspawn. Because, of course there is.

Fortunately we go back to Skyhold tomorrow.

(The downside of this, though: no more private rooms, and so no more sex.)

**13 Solace, a camp on the way back to civilization**

When we made camp today, I was shocked to hear D announce to Blackwall that he’ll be sharing my tent instead of him. I heard Blackwall begin to protest, but I cut him off – a bit rudely, I admit – too pleased with this development to want to risk it by any arguments, or really, drawing more attention to it than necessary.

I suppose the lure of sex proved too irresistible even in face of possible mockery for fucking a dwarf.

Just for the record, sex in a tent is not half as comfortable as in an actual room, especially not when one of the parties is taller than a dwarf. But, yeah, it’s still pretty great sex. And I’m very thankful for D’s privacy spell.

**14 Solace, Approach Inn**

Today, I actually asked D why he changed his mind – I blame post-coital confusion – and he told me I had Varric to thank for that. Apparently he told D, when they shared the tent the day before yesterday, that he was naive if he thought no one noticed we were fucking, that the scouts probably already sent the news to Leliana, and so under the circumstances, we might as well go for it every night.

I have to buy that dwarf a beer tomorrow.

I’m also relieved that D’s approach to that is shrugging philosophically and agreeing, and not, say, panicking and kicking me out of his bed forever. The sex is way too good for that to be palatable.

**16 Solace, Montsimmard**

Turns out it was D who was responsible for Vivienne leaving us alone that evening we finally had a chance to establish that us making out wasn’t a one-off. Apparently he pointed out to her that she’d be gone back to Skyhold in a few days anyway, so her efforts were pretty much fruitless.

When I asked why he didn’t mind Vivienne knowing, he gave me a look and said she knew from the moment she saw us in Gherlen’s Inn, which is probably true enough. Then he got uncomfortable again and tried to explain that it’s not really specific people knowing that he has a problem with, but more it being known in general. He promised to work on it, which is not something I asked of him, but I guess it would make things easier.

**18 Solace, a camp in the Exalted Plains**

We went through the plains again, and as our time in the Approach gave Cullen time to organize someone to bridge the river to get to Celene’s troops, we freed them from their share of the undead, too. Her commander was much more likable than Gaspard’s, no matter that we had to get through to her through some bullshit elven defensive magic which her fort had, and which she tried to use against the undead. It’s not like I wouldn’t have activated it too, being in her place.

We also found a dragon in the other area the soldiers made accessible to us, so we got the hell out of there as fast as our legs would carry us.

**19 Solace, Lydes**

So today, in one of their endless arguments, D threw the fact that he was sleeping with me in Blackwall’s face, which was just great. I mean, I know he said he’d try working on his shame, but I didn’t imagine it taking this form. I might have to stop taking them on missions together, which sucks, because I vastly prefer them to my other options, even with Blackwall irritating me so much lately. An insane Seeker or a Qunari spy? Solas or Vivienne? Fuck me.

By the way, when Varric tried to diffuse the tension by attempting to relate to Dorian as another black sheep of his family, D was rather rude to him. I know they’re friends, so I suspect B might be actually getting to him if he’s this irritable. Maybe I should talk to him about it. Because I’m so great at that.

**20 Solace, Autumn Inn**

So I did try talking to D, and very unsurprisingly he was extremely reluctant to admit he was bothered by anything at all. Only when I admitted that I thought Blackwall was being a bit of a jerk, he conceded that yes, he would perhaps prefer it if B didn’t lay into him quite so often. I’ll try talking to B again, not that I think it’ll do much good.

**21 Solace, Frostback Inn**

I did try. I could see that, in effect, Blackwall saw it as an order from his superior to leave his lover alone, which is fucking irritating, but if it gets him to shut up, it works, I guess. Though the look he gave me pretty much indicated he thought I was the worst kind of scum for sleeping with D. Seriously, why did I ever think he had anything in common with Averill at all?

**22 Solace, the Inquisition camp in the Frostbacks which is now apparently a roadside shelter**

They built an actual rough cabin here. I’m impressed.

Anyway, D made a joke about blood magic today, and it reminded me of the blood magic versus lyrium problem again, so I asked him what he thought about it, since presumably he knows more about blood magic than I do, even if he doesn’t do it. He said that it’s dangerous because it’s addictive – many people start out wanting to just use their own blood, or that of willing participants, but they get used to the power kick and want more. That’s why D avoids it completely, he says.

But the thing is, lyrium is addictive too, and so is the money you get from trading it, though less literally I suppose. D says he doesn’t know enough about lyrium trade to really make the comparison about which is more deadly, but that yes, blood magic, even when started with the best intentions, can kill a lot.

Well...so can lyrium.

It figures the stories about blood magic being an evil worse than any other were just another bit of Chantry propaganda. It’s not like they can condemn lyrium trade, after all: what would they do without their precious Templars?

(Well, we’re seeing that now, I guess, and the answer is: they’d be fucked, and entirely toothless.)

**24 Solace, Skyhold**

There was a letter from Averill waiting for me, with some updates about the people I know from the brothel. My mother is as deep in the bottle as always, not that that’s any surprise. Averill wrote that he told her how I was doing, but I doubt she even registered it. I’m actually glad that I now have something to write back about – namely, Dorian – that is not secret and that Averill will be able to relate to. I know he’ll get a kick out of my retelling.

The first thing I’m writing to him: having sex in an actually comfortable bed in a room with actual privacy is so much better than tents, inns or decrepit keeps. So much.

**25 Solace**

Hawke and Stroud got back from Adamant, so we had a war council meeting immediately. And yeah, we’re doing the Adamant siege. The place is apparently crawling with Wardens.

The thing is, it will take ages to get the troops and siege equipment there (even though Cullen assured me the keep will be massive help) and the ball in Orlais is coming up, and it seems like there’s no chance of the siege being finished before that happens. So I’m thinking about giving the order to gather forces and move out, and meanwhile, having Leliana’s scouts try to hold back the Wardens still gathering to Adamant. Hopefully Clarel will hold the ritual back waiting for them to arrive. And we’d join the troops once the ball was over, when the siege would be already underway.

The only problem here is Cullen, because our invitation to the ball comes through bloody Gaspard, who of course particularly wants to meet our military commander. I’ll have to think about this.

**26 Solace**

I judged Alexius today.

I thought long and hard about what to do with him, and I fully admit it was because of D. He never explicitly asked me for anything, but he did say, at some point on the road back to Skyhold, that he hoped the Inquisition would judge him mercifully. He made it a really vague speech out of it, so I just looked at him and went: “Dorian, you know it’s me who’s gonna be judging him, right?” IN response to which, he looked even more uncomfortable than when I asked if he minded people knowing we were (about to be) fucking, and then apologized. So it took me a few days to decide what exactly was I meant to take away from that, and if I wanted to take away anything.

But in the end...well. D wouldn’t be happy to hear this, but my reasoning was this: Alexius is harmless now – his motivation is gone with his son dead – and he doesn’t care about dying, so it would hardly be a punishment. And alive, he can be useful. So giving him something useful to do that would be humiliating at the same time seemed like the perfect solution, which led me to giving him to Fiona to use as a servant. He actually looked furious, which was an interesting change from that very resigned expression he worse before, and D looked happy enough, so I’m satisfied with the result.

Leliana was too – I stopped by to talk to her for a while, and she said she hoped she could convince Fiona to loan Alexius to her, that she was sure he could be useful. With a thought to D, I told her that he wasn’t to be tortured for information under any circumstances. Not that I thought L uses torture just wily nilly, but I also don’t doubt she’s nto above it when required, and I wanted to be on the safe side. At any rate, she assured me that wasn’t the kind of use she had in mind at all, so I gave her free hand.

Josephine, on the other hand, tittered at me about the diplomatic repercussions of not executing Alexius. According to her, every time I fart it has diplomatic repercussions, so I’m not too worried. It’s not like she said anything in particular, she just talked about reputation and public perception a lot.

Cassandra, at least, just plain out told me she thought he should have been executed, but that it was my decision. Seems it’s only Varric who brings out her unreasonable side.

**27 Solace**

Today I found D and Giselle arguing. Turns out she’s been “asking about his intentions” and implying he had “undue influence over me.” I assume it has something to do with the judgment yesterday. Alexius himself said I gave him a worse punishment than execution, so I don’t exactly see the problem, but apparently G does. Anyway, when I asked her for details, it turned out that she’d been actively involved in spreading gossip about D. After what she revealed about plotting to make me Inquisitor, and after wanting me to let D’s family drag him to Tevinter...that woman really was the worst kind of manipulative bitch.

I talked with D about Alexius a bit afterwards, and I have to say that it has to suck balls, having your mentor do something like this. The closest to a figure like that I’ve ever had is Averill, and I know how frustrated I am by just a person I thought was like him acting like a bit of an asshole. The idea it was actually him, and he did something actually big, like Alexius did...

I’m glad I didn’t execute him, but knowing he’s in Skyhold must be a special kind of hell for D all the same.

**29 Solace**

Just a few interesting tidbits today: I talked to Bull about Ben-Hassrath, and I’m actually starting to wonder if hates the Qun and the way he openly speaks about it all is just an attempt to sabotage his own mission. Or have I fallen for a really long, elaborate con? Should probably try to find a way to test the hypothesis.

Apart from that, I tried to discuss the Warden plan with Solas, given that demons are his expertise, but he waved them away in favor of worrying about what Clarel would find at the end of the Deep Roads. Another thing that’s suspicious as fuck (who waves aside a horde of demons?), not sure how it fits the rest though.

It made me remember to go and see Leliana about him. She told me her agents found the name of his village mentioned in some ancient Tevinter scroll, which...what? She is as confused as I am. Apparently it’s somewhere in north Antiva, so she’d dispatched some people through Josephine to go look and see if they could unearth something about him from the locals. This mystery is getting more and more mysterious all the time.

Also, Varric tried to tell me, in a really awkward way, that he considers me the Herald of Andraste today. I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life. I failed at convincing him otherwise, but at least we ended the evening with a game of Wicked Grace, so it wasn’t all terrible.

**30 Solace**

Yesterday while in bed, D mentioned a friend in Tevinter who was trying to raise some resistance to the Venatori back there. He talked about it in such a vague way, and it took me ages to figure out he wanted the Inquisition to support her in any way it could. Just like with Alexius, he’s apparently incapable of saying it outright. On one hand, I wish other people were as reticent when asking for my help, but on the other, I’m really in no state after sex to be solving riddles like this.


	7. August

**1 August, All Soul’s Day**

There were big bonfires in the courtyard today in remembrance of Andraste, and Giselle gave a speech. I thought I was being paranoid about her when I thought the speech a bit shifty, so I tentatively asked D what he thought once we were in my rooms and all fucked out, and he said “oh yes, a nice little political program that was. She’s probably setting herself up to be Divine.”

Ugh. These people make me wanna barf.

Not D, that is. He makes me want to do entirely different things.

**2 August**

Today Josephine asked me to personally help her arrange a million favors to make sure her family can become even richer. I couldn’t believe my ears. Like, even putting aside what I think of that noble bullshit, does she think I have time for that? Has it occurred to her there are maybe more important things for me to be doing? I’ll go with Leliana’s plan and just send her people to steal the contract on J’s head, but only because having assassins after our ambassador is bad for our rep. Seriously. It pisses me off to no end that D has terrible reputation for being the evil Tevinter and has trouble asking me even for legitimate things, and everyone likes our precious Josephine, who bothers me with such bullshit.

Tomorrow we set out for Caer Oswin. They finally tracked the Seekers there, and we have some time until the fucking ball in Orlais. I thought Cassandra’s request for help was outrageous at the time, but compared to J, she’s positively reasonable.

I’ve given all the instructions regarding Adamant preparations I felt qualified to give, which weren’t that many. The Cullen problem thankfully sorted itself out when I discussed it with him and he explained he actually has zero experience with sieges, so he’s not necessary at Adamant. So he’ll come with us to the Palace.

I go to Caer Oswin without D – Seekers are basically Templars, from what I can gather, so I though it safer to take Vivienne, however unpleasant it will make the long journey – so I hope for a really good farewell sex tonight.

**4 August, Gherlen’s Inn**

So, this is funny. I took Sera with me because I needed a ranged fighter and Varric near Cassandra is never a good mix, especially not when she’s likely to be emotionally compromised. And now I’ve been watching Sera and Vivienne for two days and it’s the funniest shit. Vivienne should be the embodiment of everything Sera hates, and it does show, but at the same time, it’s obvious Sera thinks she’s hot, and so instead of hating on V, she just kind of awkwardly tried to give her advice. I’d get second-hand embarrassment if I wasn’t to busy laughing.

It’s a bit of an uncomfortable mirror, though, too, because I’m honest enough with myself at least to see that it’s precisely like me and Dorian. I have no illusions that I wouldn’t be on Blackwall’s side more of D wasn’t hot and I wasn’t fucking him. But at least my attraction is reciprocated. V clearly despises Sera. I almost feel sorry for the girl, really.

**6 August, Caer Bronach**

We’re passing through Crestwood, so we stopped here for a day or two to see how the area was getting on after we drained the lake and closed the rift and all that. It’s almost nice her without all the rain and dark. We killed a wyvern that was bothering the locals, and some red Templars that were camped here. Tomorrow we’ll go and try rooting out the local bandits without irritating the dragon too much.

Cassandra suggested we should try killing it, because it was bothering the locals, but from what I heard, they just bring it some sheep and it mostly works. So it’s not like it’s an emergency. I know we’re traveling with quite a contingent of soldiers now, so it might be a better opportunity than most, but from what I gather, dragons can kill a lot of people at once. I can go being suicidal after all the rifts that need my hand to close are closed.

**8 August, a camp on the way to Caer Oswin**

With the company I have, the journey is driving me as crazy as I expected it would, but there are bright spots. Mostly, I admit, thanks to Sera. Today she gave Cassandra a brilliant schooling on the impression she has on regular people. Apparently Cassandra’s own self-perception is “Seeker on the path of righteousness”. I nearly fell off my horse laughing.

**11 August, Caer Oswin**

The Seekers are all dead. I’m relieved – I really did think they’d be another force for Corypheus – but Cassandra is, unsurprisingly, pretty fucked up.

**16 August, Storm Coast**

Cassandra barely spoke since Caer Oswin, and pretty much killed the demons at the rifts we closed on the way single-handedly. We spent today at the Storm Coast, making a detour because we’d heard rumors about darkspawn here and the Wardens won’t exactly help at this point, and I swear she beat those fuckers – the darkspawn, I mean, not the Wardens – into a literal pulp. I should probably keep away from her until she’s feeling better.

**21 August, Skyhold**

There was a letter from Averill waiting for me, asking a million questions about D. He seems to have gotten the wrong impression from my last letter, because the kind of questions he’s asking, it’s like he thinks it’s more than fucking. Honestly. If someone should know better, it’s him.

I’ll write to explain, but later. Right now, I’m waiting for D to come up here. We have almost three weeks of no sex to make up for!

**23 August**

Cassandra actually apologized to me for the bullshit around Varric and Hawke. Sort of. She also thanked me for my help with the Seekers – not that we saved any – and explained how the rite of Tranquility worked. I don’t think I’ve ever heard something so disgusting in my life. Well, except when talking to Bull about the Qunari re-educators, I suppose, and D’s father’s threat of blood magic – it all comes down to pretty much the same thing, really. All my life, my own thoughts were the only thing I really had. The idea…

Oh well. That reminds me, I spoke to Bull about the Qun some more, trying to tease out his actual feelings, but so far I’ve been unsuccessful.

Also I spent the entirety of yesterday in D’s bed – well, he in mine – and I can barely walk, but it was so worth it. Honestly, I’ve never had sex this amazing before. I don’t know what it is about D – some of that is experience and good technique, sure, but I don’t think that’s all. Maybe our preferences just match well.

Which reminds me of another thing. I got a memo from L that in my absence, D met with some merchant in Skyhold and argued with him about getting some amulet back or something. It sounded like a big deal. I’ll have to ask him about it.

**24 August**

I did ask D about the amulet while in bed yesterday, and he insisted he wants me to have nothing to do with it. Says he doesn’t want to make it look like he’s using me, asking me for “even more things”, as he said. Apparently he thinks that having the gall to ask me to kill a few more Venatori which were on my way, not to execute his mentor, and to help his friend with anti-Venatori measures (none of which he even did directly!) was too much already. It pissed me right of and made me think of the entitlement of Josephine again.

I’m torn, because the amulet is noble bullshit too, just like J’s demands, but it’s a bit more personal than “I want my family to be richer”. And also, he’s self-aware enough to realize it’s bullshit. He was very self-deprecating about it in that way he has, saying it was meant to show the common rabble he was someone more important than them. But it clearly means something else to him. I was surprised at first by him caring at all, given his relationship with his father, but when I thought about it some more, it makes sense. I haven’t properly spoken to my mother in years, but if I had something to remember her by, I’d still want to keep it.

Maybe I’ll ask him again in a few days, after he had some time to think about it. At any rate, it was obvious he had no idea how to get it back on his own.

Today I spoke to Cole about the way he thought, and asked him about people in the Inquisition. I really hadn’t intended to pry, but all on his own, he began to speak of Solas: apparently he’s sad and sorrowful. Another piece of the puzzle, I suppose, but I have absolutely no idea where it fits.

I went to see Leliana to ask if her people made any progress in tracking his village of birth, and yes, they had. Apparently it’s a ruin and has been for hundreds of years. So now we have tangible proof he’s lying, beyond my suspicions. L asked what priority she should give to the investigation, given that Solas seems to be helpful, so I hinted at how suspicious it seemed he would know so much about an elven orb I barely mentioned. She was alarmed – she’d thought that I have him some more information about the orb, which allowed him to pierce together what he did. She agrees with me it’s suspicious, and promised to try and track Solas somehow.

I can’t help but wonder why Solas told such a weird lie. If he said he as from an alienage of a big city somewhere out of our reach, the chances of tracing him would have been almost non-existent. Or he could have simply invented a village. Why name something that’s been destroyed for hundreds of years?

**25 August**

I need to make a decision about who to take to the Winter Palace. Some are obvious – all of my advisers are going, as L and J are actually looking forward to it and C is required by Gaspard. Vivienne is a clear choice, and so is Dorian. I do need a front-line fighter if something went wrong, and Cassandra is the best bet for the palace, as much as she dislikes the idea. It’s equally clear Blackwall is not going, he wants to be at Adamant. That’s fine. And there’s no way I can take Sera without ruining everything, so she’ll go with him, as much as she dislikes demons.

As for the rest...Varric would definitely know how to act, but isn’t some great expert at that game, dislikes it, and wouldn’t be especially politically useful there, from what I can gather. Cole would not know how to act, but it wouldn’t matter, as no one would see him, and his mind-reading might come in handy for those double-dealing nobles. Solas, if my suspicions are correct, would know how to act, but maybe would pretend he doesn’t. Iron Bull would probably be too much of a provocation – he is too obviously the bodyguard type, which would send the wrong message. (Seems like some of what J has been trying to cram into my head for the last few days in preparation for the ball has stuck!) Besides, he can lead his Chargers in the siege.

All right, so Cole for the palace and Bull for Adamant, definitely. Now what about Varric and Solas? I suppose I could just ask them – see what they preferred.

Another thing: I’ve been trying to ignore how close Skyhold is to Orzammar and that we basically pass its gates every time we go to Ferelden, but today I heard J say to someone – of course she never even bothered consulting it with me, it’s like Korpin all over again – that we’ll be receiving a deep lord in Skyhold. And what’s more, I heard his name. I’ll have to write to Averill to try asking my mother to make sure, but I’m pretty sure that it’s the same family that’s responsible for kicking mother out of Orzammar.

If I’m right, I’m pushing them all off the battlements.

**26 August**

I talked to Solas about if he wanted to go to the Winter Palace, and he was surprisingly enthusiastic, and even suggested he could go as my servant, so that the nobles didn’t sneer at us and he could work as a spy in those ranks. I was astonished by such a helpful, unpretentious suggestion from him (even though, let’s be honest, the nobles are gonna sneer at me so much that it probably won’t make that much of a difference in what position he’s there), and trying to reward him, asked him about the Veil.

That was when he started to rhapsodize about how amazing the world without the Veil would be, how the Fade would be everywhere and wouldn’t that be awesome.

Given that he knows a suspicious lot about the orb that tore a hole in the Veil and keeps making rifts, this is very alarming. I should probably discuss this with Dorian, since I know jack shit about this stuff, but still...alarming.

Oh, and Varric’s coming to the Winter Palace too. At first he said he wants to find out if his publisher was lying to him telling him his books didn’t sell in Orlais, but when I gave him a very dubious look – he must know there’d be easier ways to do that - he admitted that he hoped to meet some Guild contacts there, and then offered to introduce me. At first I balked, but I’m bound to be introduced to any number of idiotic human nobles there, so why not suffer through some introductions that might at least be useful to me? So I gave him a firm maybe, and then went to have a drink with him and Hawke at Herald’s Rest. Blackwall joined us, which didn’t exactly thrill me, but he was actually decent company. Seems Varric’s unrelenting friendliness wore him down and he decided to give him a chance. Now if only he was willing to do the same for D, and If I could be sure he wasn’t hiding anything related tot he Wardens.

The evening was great, though, except for the very end, where Hawke drunk herself into the maudlin phase and started talking about all her dead family members and how it was her fault. Varric led her to bed soon after that started, thankfully, but still. Her life really does kind of suck, doesn’t it?

**27 August**

D was very alarmed when I mentioned how Solas liked the idea of a world without the Veil. To him, the idea is clearly horrifying. I still didn’t reveal any of my other suspicions, but it’s food for thought.

D also agreed that, as we’ll be stopping in VR before we go to the Winter Palace anyway, we can seek out the merchant that has his amulet and at least try talking to him. True, he only agreed after I gave a long angry speech about how Cassandra asked me for a favor that required me to spend three weeks on the road and we were only going to VR in the first place because of something Josephine asked of me, so if I run all around southern Thedas for those cows, I can bloody well help him with something that’s on my way, but he did agree. I’m glad.

We leave tomorrow.


	8. Kingsway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super long, folks. Don't know why everything happens in Kingsway, but it just worked out that way.

**1 Kingsway, Lydes**

Today I finally passed close enough to the area where Sera’s people dropped off the reward for our march through Verchiel that I could try and pick it up. It turned out to be a trap, because of course it did, and I have to say, I want to stab people quite often, but the guy behind the trap was possibly the first person I’d ever wanted to take my time killing. I’ve never seen so much openly displayed superior arrogance in one person. I ended up punching him in the balls in the middle of his sentence, and then me and Sera beat him to death. Never has there been a killing so well deserved. If everyone at the Winter Palace acts like that, it’s going to be a complete disaster, because I will snap.

**2 Kingsway, Royal Coast Inn**

D was already asleep by the time I got back yesterday, but I’m of course still pissed and it’s not like I’m exactly trying to hide it, so D asked me what was wrong. I told him, and he just looked at me for a moment and then said: “You really mustn’t ever travel to Tevinter.” I asked him what he meant by that, and he said that assholes like the one from yesterday were a dime a dozen there, and that “not even I could get away with killing all of them.”

It almost made me laugh.

“Assholes like that are dime a dozen everywhere, Dorian,” I said. “But most of them are smart enough not to be so obvious about it in the face of someone with two sharp daggers. The ones that aren’t usually don’t survive very long, If it’s not me that kills them, it’s the next killer they try this on.”

“I suppose you have a point,” he conceded. “I might me more used to duels or poisoned wine, but it all comes down to the same thing, really.”

It did. Idiots who can’t read a room this badly always end up dead sooner or later. Not that I’m not glad he was so bad at it, mind: if he’d been better at knowing where to shut up, I might have let him live, and that human ulcer had no right to consume any more air.

**4 Kingsway, VR**

One of the reasons we traveled here was so that J could make sure all had gone swimmingly with her goal of making her family even richer after the assassin thing was taken care of, and having me trail after her apparently makes bureaucrats work faster at checking their files. I mean...for fuck’s sake. Not that I object to a trip to VR, being in a city again, even an Orlesian one, is nice, but the entitlement baffles me.

When she found out that everything had worked out, she told me the touching story of how she used to be a bard once, because she was bored and too stupid to find herself a better amusement apparently, but then accidentally killed someone and was so horrified she immediately stopped doing it. I didn’t know what to address first. I know she knows I’m an assassin and thus unlikely to sympathize with ‘on no every death is so terrible’ - especially, mind you, the death of a noble who thought that a suitable answer to boredom was becoming an assassin in the first place – so what was the point of that?

And secondly, it must have been really nice, having the luxury of deciding, after your first kill (accidental! I can’t get over that), that ‘oh, this is not for me’ and quitting. I certainly didn’t have that, but then again, what did I ever have any real choice about?

I complained about this rather loudly to D when I got back to whatever noble’s mansion we’re staying at here (maybe not he most appropriate or understanding audience, but I was furious), and D told me the story of his first kill. It had been an assassin sent to kill him, when he was thirteen. “It’s a rite of passage in Tevinter”, he told me with that smile he has that tries really hard not to be bitter. “It’s a rite of passage in the Carta, too”, I replied. I had been about the same age, after all.

We didn’t talk much for the rest of the evening, but we did plenty of other things.

**5 Kingsway, VR**

We went to see the merchant who has D’s amulet. He was almost as big of an asshole about it as that noble from Verchiel, though in this case I can relate more. The ironic thing is that I’d normally be all for supporting some random guy in getting into a noble-exclusive trade league, which is what he insisted on for payment. I mean, the main reason I even considered the Guild thing was that every rich fuck there would be so pissed at seeing my face among them. But the way he went about it? Just no. I don’t even mind the extortion, really, just the disgustingly sleazy way he approached it.

So I asked him to show us the amulet – to make sure he still had it, that he didn’t sell it already and wasn’t now trying to gain influence out of nothing. He didn’t have it on him, unsurprisingly, but invited us to his house in the evening to see it with our own eyes. I accepted the offer, then took D back to the privacy of the place we are staying.

“So,” I said once we were alone behind closed doors, “what do you say to the idea of stealing the bloody thing from that asshole?”

He frowned. “I sold it to him willingly. It was my mistake, and he actually paid me decent coin for it. There was nothing dishonest about that part of the deal. I don’t want him to lose the money.”

“How much did you get for it?” I asked.

“Two hundred royals,” he admitted.

I nodded. “All right. So...if we left the money in its place after we took it?”

He hesitated, opened and closed his mouth several times, and at length, said: “I am not certain I have, here with me, enough to-”

I waved it aside. “At the moment, I have more money than I need by far, and if it bothers you you can pay me back later, though I really don’t insist on it.”

He hesitated some more. “I really don’t want you to go to all this trouble on my part. As I said, I don’t want to be indebted to you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Dorian, this is literally my job, or was before the world exploded. This is what I’m good at. I wish people were asking stuff like that from me, instead of going to Orlesian balls and conquering fortresses.”

He arched his eyebrows. “And here I thought your job was killing people, and that the Inquisition gave you plenty of opportunity for that.”

I grinned. “That, too – but honestly, not usually in battles with demons or whatever. No, this will be far closer to what I normally do. I’d cite you my standard pay for this, but the Carta didn’t pay me on a job to job basis, they paid me a weekly rate for whatever stuff I did, and trust me, it was much less than what I get here. So consider it included in my Inquisition salary. It’ll actually be nice to burglar something again, make sure I’m not losing my touch.”

He sighed. “I admit I much prefer this to allowing someone to exploit our...association. But I still don’t like that...well. You know that if people find out about it, they _will_ say that I’m the Magister who’s using you.”

“We’ve been over this, Dorian. Other people are using me much more than you are.”

“Yes, but that’s it, isn’t it? They are not from Tevinter, so no one cares about them doing it.”

“I do,” I said sharply.

He gave a sigh at that. “Yes, and don’t get me wrong, that you don’t think this is me using you, that you don’t mind doing this, is of course the most important part. But I still care about the public perception.”

“Look, they already think that – ever since the Alexius trial, at least. You know that.”

“I do, but no need to add fuel to the fire! I had to ask for that – as much as I might fight it distasteful, I couldn’t let him die if I thought I had the smallest chance of influencing your decision. The same goes for Mavaeris. They are my friends, or used to be. But this is just about me and my stupidity, so-”

“And the dead Venatori?” I interrupted. “Not that I mind, but...that was for you, wasn’t it?” I didn’t ask about the time I accompanied him to meet his father – I gathered he’d been too distraught to really think about it then, and I didn’t want to remind him of it.

He grimaced. “I didn’t think you’d be doing it in person,” he said. “I gave Leliana the information and expected her people would take care of it.”

I nodded in understanding. “Why do you care so much what they think?” I asked then. “I mean, you got over everyone effectively knowing we’re sleeping together,” it’s been a while since he tried to leave my room secretly, “so...”

“That’s precisely it,” he returned. “Because they all know we’re involved, I have to watch the rest so much more carefully. You saw the insinuations that vermin was spewing...”

I nodded in amusement. “I heard you deny we were friends, yes.”

He groaned. “Sorry about that. I just...hated him talking about it so publically, in such a context. Anyone could hear him, and...I don’t care what they think about me – that ship has sailed a long time ago – but I do care what they think about what’s between us.”

I frowned. “Why?”

“I suppose I just don’t want people to think me a whore!” He snapped.

My frown deepened. “You have something against whores?”

He shook his head. “Forgive me, that was unworthy of me. That’s not really it, anyway – like I said, I don’t care what they think about me. Maybe it irritates me they think you’d be stupid enough to fall for something like that? I don’t rightly know, honestly.”

I considered. “Let me give you my point of view then,” I said. “Of course you are using me, for many things – help for your friends, sex, access to better quarters at Skyhold...” He paled, and I put up my hand. “Just as I’m using you,” I continued. “For sex, as well, for magical expertise, for company sometimes, and for any number of other things. That’s just the way of life, people get various benefits from each other. As long as neither of us acts entitled about it, I don’t see the problem.”

He gave me a searching look. “That’s...a rather cynical view of the world, is it not?”

“Do you disagree?” I asked.

“Not exactly, certainly not if you include good company in the benefits for which to use people,” he conceded. “I just didn’t think of it that way. I suppose we just have to watch the balance doesn’t tip too far one way, don’t we?”

I shrugged. “The balance usually shifts with time. It can be tipped one way for years, then change. I’m not too bothered by it. As long as there’s not nothing at one side of the scales – like, say, with Josephine, who does absolutely zero things for me personally – I don’t really care. It’s like...” I looked for a metaphor. “Like in bed. We don’t keep a tally of who blows who how often exactly. That would just make things uncomfortable. As long as it’s not entirely one-sided, and no one is unhappy, it works, right?”

“I enjoy blowing you,” he pointed out mildly.

“As do I – and I enjoy burgling houses, too,” I returned.

He laughed, then nodded slowly, considering this. “And going to burglar a merchant house is really no different for you than giving a blow job?” He asked archly.

“No more taxing, for sure,” I replied.

He smiled. “Well then,” he said, “I believe we have a merchant to visit.”

Later

We had to suffer through some polite chit chat with the vermin of a merchant before he brought out the amulet, which was excruciating, but apart from that, I made a nice, clean job of it, slipping back inside the house once we left. Dorian waited outside and apparently spent the whole time fretting. Such lack of faith in my skills! Honestly. The merchant was an idiot. How do you try to extort a Carta thug with something like this? Don’t people know what we are?

Anyway, D was clearly very happy to have the thing back, so. Good job well done, and I even had some fun with it, really. Not to mention the great celebratory sex.

**7 Kingsway, Lydes**

Winter Palace tomorrow. It’s going to be hell, I just know it. J is so nervous it’s radiating off her. Vivienne is practically giddy.

Ugh.

**9 Kingsway, early morning**

I was right. It was hell.

Not really for the reasons I expected, though. I mean, yeah, there was a lot of posturing and sneering (especially towards D – well, and me, but I think he cared rather more than I did, as much as he tried to pretend he didn’t. I feel almost guilty for bringing him – it seemed to at the same time bring back unpleasant memories and make him homesick).

Anyway, I expected all that. What I did not expect was every single one of my advisors to turn out to be a fucking asshole.

I had zero expectations of J, but she actually was the most sane one, though for all the wrong reasons. She’s in love with the status quo, that one. But the other two? Cullen is not really my kind of person, but I don’t mind him, and I had an idea of him in my head. Something to do with honor and being upfront. So when he suggested we let the assassin kill Celene because he would rather see Gaspard on the throne, I was just speechless. Cassandra said the same thing. I just...what? What?

And Leliana, too, who I always liked because she was so amazingly pragmatic, suggested a completely bizarre plan where we put Gaspard in power but blackmail him so that he actually works for the elf leader, Briala. Is that woman insane? Briala would be dead within a week once Gaspard become emperor, in some terrible accident or whatever. The Inquisition might be growing more powerful every day, but we absolutely do not have the power to control an emperor of Orlais once we let his only real rival die. For fuck’s sake. I mean, I actually talked to Briala – something that apparently never occurred to L – and she very explicitly preferred Celene on the throne, whatever bullshit L might have spewed about their past making it impossible for them to work together, because she knows Celene is actually progressive, while Gaspard is a power-hungry, warmongering idiot who’d prefer to crush everyone under his foot.

And yes, he confirmed every expectation I had of him based on his commander in the Plains. The man threatened to burn the people responsible for choosing the emperor in their homes if they didn’t vote for him, he smuggled his chevaliers and mercenaries into the palace to stage a coup just to get to power…but apparently none of this is an issue to Cullen and Cassandra, who still think he’s a swell guy who should rule. See their argument that Celene and Briala did bad things I could blackmail them with too: Celene because she...captured Gaspard’s chevalier captain and tricked him into revealing Gaspard’s plan? Because that’s apparently a terrible sin now? I’m pretty sure Orlais would applaud her for this, but whatever. And Briala, and this is even more infuriating, is apparently a terrible person because she used to sleep with Celene. Which, for one, we already knew, and the court has been whispering about it for ages, but whatever. That’s not important. The important part is: somebody – not sure who – expressed the opinion that if the elves knew of this, they would never follow Briala.

I want to punch that person in the balls.

Because, yeah, right. I’m sure none of the elves has any experience with their masters wanting to fuck them and them having not much of a choice in the matter. I mean, yeah, Briala seems to actually feel something for Celene in some way, but it’s not like you can ever separate it from the power she has over her. I’ve seen how this works. The elves would have, too. It’s just my bunch of asshole advisors who look down on Briala for failing to met their impossible standard.

And it’s not like Celene is some saint, but I have to say that I actually liked her all right when I spoke to her, which is a genuine shock. Compared to that asshole from Verchiel, she was extremely pleasant company. She did not look at me like I was the dirt at her feet even once, which is really saying something. I mean, it’s not just about me being a dwarf. I know how the tattoos look. I didn’t really think I would be going to the Winter Palace one day when I was getting them. But still, I refused to wear a mask and try to hide them, and I knew perfectly well I paid for it, but Celene, whatever she thought, could at least pretend at perfect politeness the whole time.

I could also relate more than I wished to when she talked about how Briala expected big changes from her when they were together, but how change is often slow. I mean, I have some power now, too, and look at the asshole advisors I’m surrounded with, at all the bullshit around me I can do nothing about because my power isn’t all that great after all. From what I gathered, she convinced the electors she was the better candidate than Gaspard when she first took the throne. She must have been forced to tread rather carefully after that, lest they change their minds. So while I like Briala, and Celene getting her arrested is pretty disgusting, I can still understand the other side, too.

So I executed the assassin, helped Briala and Celene make peace, and helped Celene convince Gaspard of treason, and now I’m sitting here, even more aware than ever before that I hate pretty much everyone in this fucking Inquisition.

Except, I suppose, D.

I vented to him a little before we went to bed, but he was clearly dead on his feet and didn’t have the anger to keep him awake, so I let it be, hence me venting here. I will talk to him tomorrow, see what he thinks about it all.

**10 Kingsway, Verchiel**

I told D about my advisors’ reaction and he said: “Interesting, isn’t it, how a chance to play a political game reveal even more about a person than any life or death situation out there in the wild?”

And he’s right. Out there, in a fight, someone can leave you stranded, but it’s usually because they’re too scared for themselves, and especially when they’re not used to fighting, it’s understandable enough. It doesn’t show they are terrible people. This, however...this is something else. There was no danger pressing Cullen and Cassandra into what they suggested, there was only they personal sympathies, and yet.

We talked about it some more, and D agreed with me, and likewise expressed surprise at Cullen. Disappointment, too. I know they are friendly, so I wondered if I shouldn’t have told him, but he said he was glad to know.

I also asked if it was a mistake taking D to the ball, given all the memories of home it provoked, but D vehemently protested, saying that he wanted to support me, and besides, he very much enjoyed watching them wrap an empire around my little finger. Then he got melancholy again, saying that my only other chance to do it would be in Tevinter, and that wouldn’t work.

At that point, I reached for my tried and tested method of cheering him up, and that did work, at least.

**11 Kingsway, Montsimard**

I didn’t have any capacity to write about it before, I was too pissed at my advisors, but I did actually let Varric introduce me to some Guild members at the ball. Their disdain might have been even more obvious than that of human nobles, but they clearly couldn’t afford to ignore Varric, so they suffered my presence before my patience gave out. Varric was stellar though. I was unfair before: he is absolutely another member of this shitty organization I don’t hate.

Anyway, we closed two rifts in the plains today, which led us off the road for a bit and made us encounter a Dalish clan. They seemed non-hostile but wary, and were in desperate need of supplies, so I sent a message to have some allocated to them from our resources. Honestly I stole enough shit at the Winter Palace to be able to afford this, and it seems fair that stuff stolen from a palace that’s supposed to mark the triumph of humans over elves would go towards financing said elves.

Also, in the evening, I walked in on Cassandra and Cullen arguing because he wanted her to find a replacement for him, feeling unable to work because of lyrium withdrawal. She told me to talk to him. I would normally not hesitate, but given the upcoming fight at Adamant, I’ll have to think about it.

**12 Kingsway, Val Firmin**

I had a detailed discussion with Cullen about how necessary he was for the siege and how competent his deputies were. It was difficult – he is clearly not doing well, and was extremely emotional- but I managed to pin together enough of a picture that I told him not to take lyrium so far. If it doesn’t get better before the next major fight, I might have to change my mind, but he planned this when he was still of sound mind and the command in the field can be done by someone else. If I’m there it shouldn’t even hit morale in any way that he isn’t, according to him, so…

(I wonder if his bizarre suggestions at the Palace were an effect of the withdrawal, too. I have to ask him once he’s better.)

**13 Kingsway, Approach Inn**

So, today Solas basically completely gave himself up.

We happened to be the first two people down to dinner, and so I asked him about how he liked the Winter Palace, and he told me how he’d missed court intrigue. So I asked him when he was at court, and he stumbled before trying to cover up with the Fade, which is obviously bullshit.

I didn’t want him to notice that I noticed, so I started to talk about Briala instead. That led to another gem: apparently if Solas considers someone ‘his people’, it’s mages, not elves. At least the mages part was implied, but when I asked about his people explicitly, he very obviously avoided answering. At least we could agree on liking Briala, before Varric joined us and confirmed that his publisher really had been cheating him.

I need to find a way to discuss Solas with D as soon as possible.

**15 Kingsway, a camp in the Approach**

I sent most of my group ahead to Griffon Wing Keep and went to close a rift with just D, Cassandra and Varric, giving me the requisite privacy once the other two went to sleep. Then I laid some of my theories out in front of Dorian.

He was...surprised.

“He does talk like a noble, you’re right,” he conceded. “I don’t know why I never noticed before.”

I snorted. “You never noticed because it’s the normal way of talking to you. For me, it’s always a little jarring, so I can recognize it easily. Bull probably noticed, too, though trade is not his first language so maybe not. Sera definitely did, though I don’t think she recognized what it is she noticed. But I think that’s why she hates him so much. Leliana, on the other hand, is too used to nobles for this.”

“Did you talk to her about it?”

“I did. I’ve been wanting to discuss it with you for a while, too, but you being from Tevinter, I thought you might be a bit too prejudiced to judge it honestly – I mean, a noble elf must seem even more outrageous to you than to me.”

“It does,” he admitted freely, “but really, I think he pretty much told you. He says he doesn’t consider elves his people, even though he uses the language all the time. He must have been adopted by a noble human family.”

That idea had somehow never occurred to me. “Does that...happen?” I asked.

“Well. In Tevinter, no one would actually adopt an elf, but powerful mage slaves are often given freedom and sent to a Circle – though, really, being an indentured servant isn’t that much better than being a slave, and that’s what they generally become. But I can imagine that in some border region, where magic is still valued but elves are not quite so despised, an adoption might be a choice some would make. My guess would be Antiva, from what I know, such a combination of approaches is frequently found there. Or maybe Rivain.”

My eyes widened. “Solas gave Leliana the name of some ruin of a village in north Antiva as his place of birth. We thought it was just a ruse to throw us off scent – the village has been in ruins for centuries, apparently – but he might have known the name because he was actually from the area in the first place.”

“That sounds extremely likely,” D agreed. “The adoption is especially likely because...well, Solas is a very powerful mage. His magic would have presumably manifested early. When you find an elven child of four or five doing magic, you know that you have something very exceptional on your hands, and it is, as much as I hate to say it, a smart move to do everything to gain the child’s loyalty. Adopting it and raising it as your own would be a good strategy for that. Especially if you were a mage and could train the child yourself.”

So this is most likely it. I guess it would even make sense for him to use so much elvish as he does – I knew dwarves like that in Ostwick, mostly rich kids from Guild parents who suddenly decided they wanted to find their roots. It still doesn’t explain why Solas is hiding all this, though, if he’s just ashamed, or if there’s more. After Adamant, I’ll have to find an occasion to take him and Dorian both with me on some excursion, so that we can observe him together and maybe even prod him with questions.

**16 Kingsway, Griffon Wing Keep**

We got a batch of letters from Skyhold today, and there was a reply from Averill there, in which he wrote that he was suspicious about me writing so enthusiastically about someone with whom I was only having sex. I wasn’t that enthusiastic, was I? I mean the sex is mind-blowing, of course, but…

Maybe it’s that D is probably the first person (definitely the first in a long while) I’m fucking that I’m actually on friendly terms with, and whose company I can enjoy even without one of our dicks being inside the other.

**18 Kingsway, Adamant Fortress**

I have never been so disturbed in my life.

I feel like I should write about this, to...deal with the experience somehow, but I have honestly no idea what to say. Just...we went into the Fade. Physically. My memories are back, so now I know what happened at the Sacred Ashes temple.

Dorian is afraid to go to sleep. I don’t blame him. Even with the anchor, my dreams are vague and I don’t remember much, but even I am worried.

**19 Kingsway**

All right, let me try again.

Adamant sucked. There were shittons of demons, and the archdemon showed up again.

I found a letter from Clarel to Erimond (the magister behind all of this) where she is telling him that the mages after the ritual are acting weird. Amazing observational skills, to notice someone who’s fucking mind controlled into being a puppet is acting weird. As much as I hate him, I have to agree with Erimond here: Clarel was a stupid bitch.

As her final moment of self-sacrifice, she tried to kill the dragon by a big magical explosion, but the only thing she succeeded at was blowing up part of the wall we were all standing on, and making me, D, Varric, Blackwall, Hawke and Stroud fall down into the huge chasm that was right behind us.

I honestly don’t know what gave me the idea – I reacted on pure instinct – but I opened a rift and had us fall into the Fade instead.

I’m not sure I don’t wish we’d just died instead.

Apparently the main demon Corypheus had wanted to summon was the Nightmare, an extremely powerful fear demon, so we ended up in its part of the Fade, if I got what D said right. Again, so grateful I don’t dream very strongly most of the time. It was the worst thing I’ve seen in my life.

There were just...the thing can get into your head, and can then recite your worst fears to you, and manifest them for you. It’s like an evil version of Cole: the same powers, but used to get people where it hurts the most.

Hawke saw spiders, she said. Apparently she’s afraid of them. Still, it must have been better killing spiders that the tiny, weak, defenseless child versions of myself that I had to fight.

There weren’t just demons, though. From time to time we found a memory of someone who’d been very afraid in their life and got a chance to soothe the spirit. That was...nice. I think that was maybe what kept us sane throughout.

What was less nice, but at least informative, was finding a graveyard with names of some of the people from the Inquisition, and what I realized was their biggest fear written underneath. Some confirmed my expectation – Vivienne’s said ‘irrelevance’, because of course that bitch can imagine nothing worse happening to her. Cassandra’s ‘helplessness’ was uncomfortably relatable. My name wasn’t there, but if it was I assume it’d have said something like that, too. Varric apparently fears becoming his parents, which I’d have expected D’s grave to say (and it was actually what the demons taunted him with verbally). They really do seem to have major similarities between them, like Varric had said, apart from being the two people in the Inquisition I can actually stand.

D’s gravestone actually said temptation, though, which surprised me. I’ll have to ask him about it at some point.

The most important, however, were the three people I am convinced are keeping something from me: Bull fears madness, Blackwall fears himself and Solas fears dying alone. I’m not sure what it means yet, I'll have to think about it, but it’s nice to feel that hellscape got me something useful at least.

Also I finally have a confirmation that I am not actually a Herald of Andraste, that it was the old Divine who pushed me out of the Fade – and sacrificed herself for me, incidentally. Not that I think it’s gonna make a difference, not after the reaction people had when they saw me walk out of the Fade again. Not that I care – D, hopefully, will no longer believe it, and that’s literally the only case where it bothers me, so.

Stroud sacrificed himself for us to get out. Hawke was offering too, and I though of the sheer despair you can see in her face when she gets too drunk to stop pretending and understood why she wanted to stay there, but in the end, I couldn’t do that to Varric. This wasn’t her mess, and if she wants to kill herself, she can do it whenever she wants.

Still, I hated being the one to tell them which of them should stay behind. I had to make a few choices like that before in my life, and I despise it. I'd wonder if it wasn’t actually my manifestation of the nightmare, drawing on my fear of making these decisions, only it was all too real: Stroud actually did stay behind, and he’s dead.

As if that wasn’t enough, I was asked to determine the fate of the Wardens the moment we got out of there, without any time to think or seek advice, because of course I was. At first I wanted to tell them to get the fuck out, given that Stroud was apparently the only one who thought to seek help against this insane demon-summoning plan, but I know what it’s like to get shitty orders and not to know what to do about them, and all the Warden leadership was dead. All that was left were the base grunts. I wasn’t gonna blame them, of all people, so I decided to subsume them into the Inquisition instead. Hopefully it won’t bite us in the ass.

Tomorrow we set out for another nice bit of desert not far from here. The Inquisition scouts noticed Venatori there some time ago, and while normally it would be too far to travel here just for that, given that we’re here already, we’ll check it out.

I’m taking Solas. Maybe the boredom in the dessert as we look for those fuckers will make him talk. Dying alone, huh?

**20 Kingsway, Forbidden Wastes camp**

Dorian still can’t sleep, keeps waking up from nightmares. Not that I blame him. I have them too, but mine are at least fogged, indistinct. I thought that was bad after Haven, but from the little he said about his, I should be very thankful for small mercies. He told me he isn’t even sure if the Nightmare is purposefully tormenting him or if it’s just a natural reaction to the experience.

Last night, when he woke up for the third time, exhausted and frustrated, I tried to distract him by something else again, and since light conversation hardly worked, I finally asked about something all the nightmares have reminded me of: his offer to basically sacrifice himself with me in Haven.

He seemed surprised by my not understanding it. “We knew Corypheus was from Tevinter,” he said. “We knew he had help from my old mentor. I felt like it was my mess to clean up.”

That makes sense, I suppose. I still think my sense of self-preservation would be bigger than that, though. I said something to that effect, and he got all grim and said: “Well, it’s not like you had much of a choice, is it?”

And then he told me that he could see how much I did not want to do it, and that was part of the reason why he offered. That if I, some completely random unconnected person, had to give my life for this, then he should do no less, as someone who at least had some connection, who maybe could have done more to prevent this.

I don’t really know what to do with that. I know he knows Corypheus isn’t his fault exactly, but…

It’s like Varric all over again. They really are ridiculously similar.

**21 Kingsway**

Harding asked me if we wanted to take the horses with us for this exploration, since the space was so huge. I told her we would probably miss everything important from horseback. Her suggestion made sense, actually, but galloping around on horseback hardly encourages conversation. For the same reason, I headed away from any sign of anything interesting on purpose, to make the boredom worse.

So of course, we came across a dragon guarding some ancient dwarven ruins all the same, because that’s just my luck, and then, after we managed to avoid it, another set of ruins with Venatori presence.

Also, Solas said nothing all day, so in desperation, Dorian tried to goad him by talking about using spirits as servants, but it didn’t render anything useful. Cassandra actually made more progress, unknowingly of course, when she asked Solas whether he’d always lived alone, and he side-stepped her question so neatly that I wouldn’t even have noticed had I not been looking for it. So the answer is clearly no, then. Unsurprisingly.

Speaking of Cassandra, she was really off today, kept making basic mistakes in fights. I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s not like she was with us in the Fade, so she doesn’t have a particular reason to be disturbed...If it goes on, I’ll have to send her back to Adamant and call for someone else, but Blackwall would distract D from our goal here with their constant arguments, and Bull is too clever not to realize what we’re doing. I hope Cassandra deals with whatever it is.

D had another night with little sleep and many nightmares.

**22 Kingsway**

Today when D woke from his nightmares, he felt like talking, so we discussed what we saw in the Fade a little, as we lay tangled together in the dark of the tent, and I asked him about the temptation thing. “You don’t seem like it would be something you’re afraid of,” I pointed out, “you’re not some Chantry boy worried for your chastity.”

He waved the hand that was idly caressing my waist. “It’s not that kind of temptation,” he said. “It’s...do you know how easy it’d be for me to have literally everything? If I returned to Tevinter tomorrow and told my father I’d put on a show and get married, I’d be restored to my old life immediately. All the luxury. The comforts...do you think I don’t think about it every time we spend days in some rain-soaked shithole, every time I fall asleep on a hard bedroll? The kind of life I could have back home? It wouldn’t be worth what I'd have to sacrifice, of course, but I’d still afraid that one day I’ll just...give up. How long can I keep doing this? Not all my life, certainly. So what do I do when the Inquisition is no longer providing me with a strong enough reason to stay away? I don’t know, and I’m scared to find out.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Because in his situation, I probably would go back to Tevinter. And I don’t think I understand all the reasons why he thinks it’s such a bad idea, really.

But taking his worries more generally, at least, I was able to soothe him a little, I think. I reminded him of how reluctant he was about asking me for anything, how worried about using me. “I don’t think you’re quite as susceptible to temptation as you think,” I told him.

He gave me a pretty enthusiastic kiss in response, so I guess that answer was satisfactory enough.

**Later**

We found a note locating the main Venatori camp, so of course we had to go route it. There were more of them than we expected, and we almost died. That would be just typical, wouldn’t it, dying in a shithole like this for no good reason? Anyway, now that the overseer is dead, hopefully the slaves will have a bit easier time of it until we can find and free them.

Also we met a hunter who told us the Vanatori are trying to get inside that tomb guarded by a dragon that we came across yesterday. Apparently the dragon is not the only problem, it’s also somehow sealed. Wouldn’t complain if they wanted to kill the dragon before we get there, that’s for sure.

**23 Kingsway**

There’s a huge stone on some enormous pillars atop the highest mountain in the area, and when we climbed up there, it turned out that the clan of dwarves that made their home here after leaving the deep roads put it up there to have “stone above their heads”. I have never felt any sympathy for the deeper dwarves in my life, but this...I like this.

We also circled back to yesterday’s camp and found yet another tomb nearby, this one with a bit of history to it – about family conflict and whatnot of the dwarves who founded this place – and I actually felt touched by this. Who’d have thought.

Cassandra proved to be the most useful to prying information out of Solas once again, this time because she asked him questions about his suspicious promptness in joining the Inquisition. I didn’t know this, but apparently he joined pretty much as soon as the Breach opened. It was hard not to laugh: Cassandra pointed out all the suspicious aspects of his story and then concluded with ‘it was lucky for us you were there’. She seemed to mean it seriously, too. Lucky. Right. I should discuss my other suspicions with D.

**24 Kingsway**

There’s a lot of slaves here with the Vints, being worked to death. Influenced by this, and because I’m an idiot, tonight, as my distraction method of choice after he woke from his nightmares, I decided to start a discussion about slavery with D.

It went about as well as I’d have expected. He basically tried to wave it off with saying that inescapable poverty is no better, which – I stared at him for a moment before saying: “Even if that was true, that doesn’t mean slavery is all right, that means they both suck!”

He seemed genuinely surprised by my reaction. “I never took you for such an idealist,” he said.

I stared some more. “Idealist?” I asked incredulously. “Do you know where I come from?”

He blinked. He genuinely looked like he’d never thought about it in his life. “I know you were in the Carta...”

“I still am,” I corrected sharply. “You don’t just leave the Carta, no matter what glowy magic appears in your hand. And what kind of families do you think most Carta kids are from?”

Now he looked distinctly uncomfortable, which I took rather vicious pleasure in. “And you’re telling me,” I continued, “that becoming a slave would have been better for me?”

Now he looked genuinely horrified. “I didn’t mean-”

“See? The idea of me being a slave disgusts you, So why should it be different with anyone else?”

“The idea of you being poor, living in discomfort, disgusts me too,” he pointed out hesitantly. “But someone has to be poor, someone has to do the jobs no one actually wants to do, otherwise how would society even work?”

“That’s true enough,” I agreed, “and in this sense I agree it doesn’t really matter if you’re forced into cleaning up someone’s shit because your master ordered you to or because it’s the only paying job you can get. It comes down to the same thing. But there are any number of other things your master can tell you to do, you know that perfectly well, and they don’t apply with no slavery.”

He knew exactly what was the main thing I was talking about, and arched an eyebrow at me. “So you say the rich don’t fuck their servants whenever they want down in the South?”

I laughed bitterly. “Oh, they do. Let me tell you a story. After my mother was kicked out of Orzammar for becoming pregnant with me, she went to the nearest city – Jader, of course – and looked for shelter. She found a traveling Guild merchant who took her in as a servant. He was just sailing back to Ostwick after doing business with Orzammar, and so she sailed with him, leaving everything behind, because he promised her money and protection. They weren’t even out of the ship before he started fucking her. My mother convinced herself he loved her, though he never showed any signs of that, and stayed with him for a few years. That’s where I was born. When I was about five, however, the esteemed merchant decided that it would be fun to share my mum with some of his other Guild friends, show them what a generous host he was. It was after that that she packed her things and me and left. She went to work in a brothel, because it wasn’t like she was exactly spoiled for choice at that point, and she felt like it was the only place where she belonged. And sure, it wasn’t nice, working there. It gradually broke her completely, though that’s more because the state she was in when she got there than anything that happened to her while working there. But, tell me: do you really think it would have been so much better if she had been his slave instead, and if she had had no chance to make at least that one shitty decision? If we had stayed in that house, maybe he’d have started fucking me too in time – who knew how his tastes ran...”

D was left completely speechless. He just muttered an uncertain apology and we didn’t really talk for the rest of the night, though I don’t think either of us fell asleep again.

**25 Kingsway**

D was silent all day, and in the evening came to me with a bit more coherent apology, saying that he should not talk about something he doesn’t understand, and that I have given him food for thought. That’s something, I guess.

Part of me wonders if he’ll stop sleeping with me now that he knows how much below him on the ladder I really am. Or, at least, stop allowing me to fuck him. I suppose we will see.

**27 Kingsway**

We spent a week in this hellhole without learning anything more of use from Solas. Towards the end, D was trying increasingly more and more extreme provocations, but nothing really useful was said. As for my own attempts, I tried asking about elves to figure out what the relationship there was exactly, and found thinly veiled contempt for both Dalish and city elves, and even for the Dales, but unmasked adoration of the ancient elven empire, the one Tevinter destroyed. I suppose that if he was raised by nobles, only the best Elvish empire would be goon enough for him.

At least D improved his relationship with Cassandra, I guess. She never got over whatever is bothering her, by the way.

Also, we didn’t have to kill the dragon, which is one thing to be thankful for. All in all I can’t exactly say the trip was worth it – we didn’t find anything very important in the dwarven ruins, and it wouldn’t have mattered much if the Vanatori got it – but I’m glad I know about these surface dwarves who lived there, and Cassandra did manage to get a few hints out of Solas. So it wasn’t wholly a waste of time, at least.

There’s tension lingering between me and D, but he still shows no signs of wanting to stop our involvement. I suppose that as long as others don’t know where I come from, it doesn’t bother him too much.

**28 Kingsway, Adamant**

I wanted to talk to Blackwall about replacing Cassandra in the rest of the time we would spend out west, but I found out he’d returned to Skyhold with the first wave of our soldiers, even though I’d explicitly asked all of my inner circle to wait for me at Adamant and help sort the Warden situation. Apparently he got a message and had to urgently return. I’d bet my fancy armor it has something to do with whatever secrets he’s keeping.

We also got a bunch of updates from Skyhold, one of which was letter from D’s friend back in Tevinter. Apparently we did help her in some way, though it wasn’t very obvious how. For me, the by far most interesting thing was the way she spoke of D. It’s obvious they’re very good friends. I asked D about it, and it actually made him smile a genuine smile. “She’s great,” he said, and then added, “you’d love her.” He opened his mouth as if to add something else, but then closed it and quickly changed the topic. After some consideration, I decided not to poke. With the nights he’s been having, and the shocking information about me that I dropped on his head, he deserves some peace.

I got another letter from Averill, too, in response to my questions about my mother. He managed to get the names responsible for her banishment from her (not that it was hard, probably, she talks when she’s drunk, which is always). It’s definitely the family that’s going to be coming to Skyhold. I’ll have to check the exact people, and think about this very hard.

**29 Kingsway, Adamant**

D’s been more reluctant in letting me distract him after nightmares since our argument (I assumed his pride had to show somewhere, and letting a son of a whore comfort you must gall something terrible), but tonight he had a particularly bad one. Being back at Adamant is probably not helping, my sleep was shit too. So when he rose from the bed to avoid my arms reaching for him, I ran out of patience. “Dorian, for fuck’s sake,” I said. “I get that you’re proud, but no one will know!”

He turned to look at me, frowning, and asked in a voice still shaky from his screams: “What does this have to do with pride?”

I rolled my eyes, even though he probably couldn’t see it in the dark. “You’ve been keeping a bit of a distance since you found out where I came from,” I began, but before I could continue, he was back with me on the bed.

“It’s not that,” he said quickly. “I swear it’s not, I- kaffas, I’m so sorry that you thought that. Of course you did, I should have considered...it’s not, I swear.”

“What is it, then?” I asked doubtfully.

He was silent for a while, just sitting on the bed. “I...spoke so carelessly, before,” he said at length. “Not just in that one conversation, I know I said things before that...well. I’m surprised you don’t hate me. The last thing I should be asking of you is helping me, doing something for me.”

I shook my head. “It’s not like I was under any illusions about who you were, Dorian. I might not have known your exact opinions, but I could have guessed them well enough. For me, nothing really changed – if something, my opinion is slightly better now, because you did seem to genuinely think about what I told you.”

“So...what you’re sying is that you’ve always hated me, so it makes no difference?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Don’t be so dramatic,” I said. “If I hated you, you’d be dead.”

That made him laugh, and the tension broke.

It also, I suppose, made him forget about his nightmare, so it¨s all good, really.

**Later**

A little reluctantly, I went to talk to Bull about accompanying us to where we’re headed next (at least I really don’t suspect that whatever his agenda, it would be the same as Solas’, so that’s something I suppose). I caught him at a time when Cassandra was beating him with a stick. Apparently it’s a Qunari exercise to master fear. He must have been really freaked out by Adamant, if he still needs it a week later. Don’t know what he’d do if he was actually in the Fade with us. Anyway, he agreed to accompany us. Also tried to get me to beat him with the stick as well, but after I pointed out that with my height I’d just hit him directly in the balls, he changed his mind.

Cole was also apparently waiting for Solas to come back to beg him to bind him as a preventative measure to make sure no one else could. Fortunately it seems there’s be a different solution. I’ve never seen Cole so disturbed before.

**30 Kingsway**

As we’re sleeping in a room with actual walls, not in a tent with Solas in the one next to us, I felt we had enough privacy to tell Dorian about the rest of my suspicions regarding Solas. I had been hesitating, I admit, because of the tension between us, but I do need his advice, and I do feel like the tension’s mostly cleared up after yesterday.

These suspicions are less well formed than my certainty of his noble upbringing, but basically it came down to this: his suspicious familiarity with the orb, his focus on Corypheus being able to open it, and his fantasizing about a world without the veil.

The last I’d already told him of, but it was still something he wanted to ask most about, now that he knew it was part of a broader suspicion. The first two things, he seemed to think, could be explained away by him studying ancient elven magic in depth, but the last one still bothered him.

“It’s not like I remember details,” I said regretfully. “The only thing I can tell you is that the only other thing I’ve ever heard him speak about with such enthusiasm is the ancient elf kingdom.”

“Arlathan?”

“Yeah, that was the name. He described some amazing stuff, talking about the kind of palaces they have, floating in the air.”

D gave me a dubious look. “That would require enormous amounts of magic.”

“He is also completely convinced elves were actually immortal.”

D scowled. “He doesn’t seem like the type to believe any random legend...”

“Could he have seen it in the Fade, as he says?”

D shrugged. “Theoretically, but the thing is, any mage can have Fade visions. Even if he was a Dreamer, which is possible I suppose, he wouldn’t be the only Dreamer in existence. They are rare, yes, but not unknown. There’s one apprentice who is a somniar in Tevinter right now. So why would Solas know this and no one else would? Does he have some methods or sources we don’t know about? Or is he just...you know...insane?”

I thought about it. “He doesn't seem insane.”

“Madmen are not always the raving lunatics we imagine,” he replied. “I’ve read about some cases...people who were acting completely normally and then suddenly did something monstrous, like ripping someone’s eye out because thy were completely convinced they were being watched. If Solas simply has this delusion of elven immortality, magical palaces in the air and a perfect world without a Veil, he could be dangerous. Imagine if he tried to actually remove the veil!”

“Could he do that?” I asked with some alarm.

D shook his head. “Not, but the attempt could have disastrous results. Just look at Corypheus. From what you say, I’m surprised Solas even helped close the breach. Should be his dream come true!”

I shrugged. “Well, obviously it’s not the paradise he imagined, so he probably thinks it was done improperly.”

“If we didn’t know for a fact Corypheus was behind this, I’d say it was Solas’ botched attempt,” D said a bit sarcastically.

I froze. “Wait,” I said, “and what if...Solas knew so much about the orb...what if it used to belong to him and Corypheus stole it from him? What if Solas really did have this insane plan, and told Corypheus about it, and Corypheus decided to try something a little different himself, with Solas’ artifact? That would explain why he knew about the Breach so soon, why he was at hand to help, why he wants to fix this, why Cole said he was sad all the time...”

We stared at each other for a moment, flummoxed. “All right, but this is just, just a really wild hypothesis,” D insisted then. “We have no real basis for it. I mean, the orbs like the one Corypheus has have been connected to Dreamers in ancient Tevinter lore...but...that’s still extremely circumstantial. We don’t even know he is a Dreamer for sure. And it’s not like Solas is powerful enough to actually make something like the orb, so he’d have had to find it somewhere anyway.”

He was right, of course. We don’t have any real evidence. But now it’s sitting there at the back of my mind and it just won’t let me go. Hopefully Solas will let something slip that will contradict this and present us with an explanation that’s a bit more sane. There’s no chance of confronting him with my suspicions: if he actually is crazy, who knows how he’d react.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Dorian, my sweet summer child.
> 
> It’s always hard to write realistic deductions with the benefit of hindsight, of course, but I do feel like when you start from a place of suspicion of Solas, which my Cadash would have, there’s a lot of dialogue that gives him away. And it’s done in such a way that no one character would have enough information to get any hints of what’s really going on, but once they started talking about ti together…
> 
> And all this owing to the fact that I realized Solas really, absolutely did not talk like a poor person, and that it would seem suspicious to Cadash.
> 
> Oh, and by the way, when I said some of Cadash’s opinions are my own? That definitely applied for the Halamshiral ball. It pisses me off every time I play it.


	9. Harvestmere

**2 Harvestmere, Griffon Wing Keep**

When D woke from nightmares early this morning, I was wracking my brain for something to distract him with when I remembered the thing I’ve been wondering about for a while, so I asked him about his dwarf kink, and commented that he was masking it quite well.

He stared at me as if I had grown a third head. “Is that...do you think that is why I have sex with you?” He asked then, sounding flabbergasted.

I waved my hand. “Not now, obviously,” I said, “we’ve been doing it for long enough to satisfy any kind of kink, really, so I assume now you sleep with me simply because you enjoy I, but to start with?” I gave him a look. “Are you telling me it wasn’t?”

“No,” he said flatly.

I scoffed. “So what, you just found me so incredibly charming?” I asked.

“Not...exactly,” he conceded- “More...intriguing, I suppose. You were exactly like I would expect a Carta thug to be, and yet completely unlike at the same time. And nothing seemed to shake you – we were stranded in a horrific future together and you barely blinked – but then I flirted with you and it did.”

I rolled my eyes. “I was hardly a blushing maiden.”

“No, but it was clear enough you wanted to get away from that conversation as soon as possible, and not for the usual ‘oh no, a man is flirting with me’ kind of reason. So then I was even more intrigued. I wanted to find out what was behind it.”

I frowned. “So what, you just needled me and I fell for it and then you went along with it?”

He shook his head so vehemently he poked me with his chin, lying on his chest as I was. “No. Because then there was Haven, and I saw you walk to you death. I’ve told you before that I could see how much you didn’t want to do it. I think, if you were some self-sacrificing hero, it would have been easier. But...I saw my feelings about being here, in the cold, far from home, reflected in your eyes in that moment. You hated it with the entirety of your being, but still knew it needed to be done. That was the first moment I’ve really, fully wanted t kiss you. An entirely inappropriate reaction, but there you have it.”

“So you dealt with it by immediately trying to die,” I couldn’t help pointing out.

He snorted. “It wasn’t out of shame, I can promise you that,” he said. “Or at least, not shame for that. For Tevinter, well, that’s another matter.”

I shook my head. “You have strange tastes,” I said, “but far be it from me to complain.”

He grinned at me. “Yes, worked out for the best, didn’t it?”

After that, we found a different way of distracting ourselves. D is asleep now, but I can't help thinking about it. No dwarf kink? Really? I'm not sure I believe him, but he did seem honestly shocked when I suggested it. I admit I didn't see that coming. 

I suppose I should stop chasing my own thoughts in a circle and try to catch a bit of sleep too, before we’re off with the sunrise, to another part of this damned desert.

Which reminds me: we cleaned out an ancient Tevinter prison yesterday. The Venatori were experimenting on giants there. Are they actually suicidal?

**3 Harvestmere, Forbidden Oasis**

The temple here is apparently called Solasan. We all gave Solas a bit of a suspicious look at that, but he defended himself by saying the word simply meant pride. I could only stare at him. “Your parents named you pride?” I asked him. He gave me some vague non-answer, because of course he did. I’d bet my fancy armor he gave that name to himself. Seems to go well with delusions of grandeur.

Once again, the member of the group I took with us just to have a meat shield proved most useful at prying information out of Solas. Bull isn’t even doing anything: Solas clearly actively hates the idea of the Qun, and keeps pestering Bull about it. Probably some personal issues behind that, just have to figure out which ones. I feel almost sorry for Bull, though. Not that I disagree with Solas exactly, but let the guy exist. I wouldn’t want someone pestering me about how working for the Carta is immoral the whole time I was on this trip either.

**4 Harvestmere**

I told Solas to cut it out with the Qun talk. It wasn’t giving us anything more useful about him, and it was really starting to irritate Bull, I could see that, so I told him we wouldn’t want to listen to Qun propaganda either, so best not argue with him too much against it. I tried my best to make it sound like I was completely sympathetic to S and was just trying to keep the peace. It’s even partly true, except that I’ve never been sympathetic towards S in my entire life.

The shards we’ve been collecting all over apparently unlock doors inside the temple here which give me some magical blessings or something. I don’t even know, but it’s nice of them, I guess. In any case, we’re done here. Not sure it was worth it, but oh well. At last it cost us less time than the Hissing Wastes.

**5 Harvestmere, Griffon Wing Keep**

We had a bunch of Inquisition letters waiting for us here, including updates about where our attention was needed next. One was from Leliana – apparently there’s some guy in the forests in the south of Orlais who offers us “important information” if we help him kill some group that’s bothering him. Also, he apparently refuses to share this information with anyone but me.

I bet. In fact, I’d bet quite a lot that the important information will turn out to be some complete bullshit, and that he’s banking on me killing those guys for him anyway once I’m in the area. Fuck that. Seriously, the entitlement of these people. How it never once occurs to them that the Inquisitor might have better things to do than talk to them personally. I bet the bastard is a noble. In any case, no way I’m falling for that trick. I sent a raven to Leliana saying to tell him that we’ll help if he shares the information with our scouts, but otherwise he can go fuck himself.

The other was from Josephine, about red lyrium appearing around a village at the foot of the Frostbacks, with Red Templars showing up too. I hate agreeing with J over L on principle, bur this sounds way more urgent than just ‘some information’, so I guess that’s where we’re headed next. At least it’s on the way.

**6 Harvestmere, the Inquisition camp on the edges of Western Approach**

D has been twitchy all day. Not sure what’s wrong – the nightmares haven’t been any worse than usual in the last few days.

**7 Harvestmere, the Inquisition camp on the way back to civilization**

Turns out D got a letter too – from his friend in Tevinter. Her little stand against the Venatori got her into trouble, and now she needs our help. It’s kind of funny in a sad way – from what D said, she didn’t even ask him for help directly, he had to read between the lines. And they really are good friends. I suppose I shouldn’t wonder D is so reluctant to ask me for help, then, if this is normal noble Tevinter behavior.

I told him that of course we are going to help, and sent a raven to Leliana. I’m sure she can come up with something to do.

**8 Harvestmere, Approach Inn**

Bull did another of those “I really want you to know I’m a spy” things today. I wonder what he’s about. It was a reaction to Solas, so maybe he just wanted to show off to the jerk. Or could they be working together? Is Solas’ hatred of the Qun just camouflage? Ugh, I’m getting paranoid again.

**9 Harvestmere, Val Firmin**

So I know what Bull was doing yesterday with the “look what a great spy I am” bit. Today, he had a completely innocuous conversation with Solas which made it very obvious that even he, as someone completely untrained in magic, could tell Solas' claims about being self-taught were bullshit. Solas tried to wave it off by implying Bull didn’t understand magic, but I asked D the moment we were alone (Bull picked the moment D wasn’t present to ask, which was smart, put S less on his guard) and as I expected, he pretty much confirmed that yes, S was absolutely not under any circumstances self-taught, but he had no idea what school of magic he followed, that his style was unlike anything he’d ever seen.

Maybe his noble parents hired him some really fancy tutors, but as D pointed out, if he really was from north Antiva, that would likely mean Tevene, and that was definitely not Solas’ style.

Also, I’m pretty sure there’s one other thing to be deduced form this: Bull knows what we’re doing with Solas. I wonder if we can trust him with some of what we’ve figured out. Because I get the point of his display from yesterday: he’s saying his expertise could be really helpful. And he’s right, but I’m really not sure I want all of this to be passed on tot he Qun.

**10 Harvestmere, Montsimmard**

I thought about it and discussed it with D, and in the end we decided to share the first part of our speculation, that Solas was actually raised noble. Neither of us thought Qun could really do anything with that information, especially if we left out the north Antiva bit. Because yes, if we told them, Qun’s resources could try and track him, but who’s to say they’d share their discoveries?

On a completely unrelated note, D’s nightmares seem to have gotten better since we left the Approach. He still sleeps badly, but no longer wakes up with terror, so that’s something, I suppose.

**11 Harvestmere, Verchiel**

We told B about our theories once S retired for the night, taking advantage of his love of the Fade and dislike for sitting in a tavern. B’s reaction was pretty much complete agreement. He said that he’d worked out S was lying about his origins himself, but the noble adoption theory didn’t occur to him and he thought that as long as there were places where noble mages would adopt an elf, it sounded extremely plausible. So maybe he’ll figure out the Antiva part on his own, or the Qun will, but at least it will take them a bit more time.

We agreed to continue trying to get him to slip up some more. B thinks we’ve been doing relatively well, and there was no need to change strategy for now, except that he emphasized him and D should snipe at each other a bit so that S doesn’t suspect us all of working together.

**13 Harvestmere, Autumn Inn**

Bull has been doing his job amazingly. D mostly starts their snipes about Tevinter, which lets B focus on S, something he did by voluntarily bringing up the Qun again. Now that Bull knows what’s going on and is actually directing the conversation, it’s a gift that keeps on giving. There was really too much for me to remember, but there are two gems that stand out in my mind: “it doesn’t matter if they’re happy, it matters that they can choose” and “you lack the will to make the necessary sacrifices” or something of that ilk. If that doesn’t sound like a dangerous fanatic, I don’t know what does. We just have to find a connection between freedom, Veil removal and ancient elves and we’ll be there.

**15 Harvestmere, the Inquisition camp near Sahrnia**

It’s hellishly cold in this fucking place. I know it’s mid-Harvestmere, but still, this is not normal.

Anyway, among the Inquisition letters waiting for us here, there was one from Leliana about the problem of D’s friend. She says we should simply have one of her opponents assassinated, that the others would back off. That made sense to me, so I brought it to D, who agreed it’s the most efficient solution and now is thinking about the most useful potentially Venatori Magister to kill. “I’d have said Danarius or Erimond without hesitation,” he said, “but one’s been dead for a few years now and the other is in your dungeons awaiting execution, so...”

“Are you saying there’s a lack of terrible Magisters?” I asked, amused.

“Definitely not,” he replied. “But there’s about five that are equal degree of terrible, and it’s hard deciding which of them deserves to die the most!”

I almost suggested telling Leliana to kill all of them, but I suppose we don’t exactly want to start a war with the Imperium, so better not irritate them too much.

**16 Harvestmere**

Why is every place we go to a complete shithole?

We’ve been here a day and I already miss the Approach. At least this is close enough to Skyhold Cullen was able to send quite a number of his men here. The fort here will be no Caer Bronach or even Griffon Wing Keep. It might not be another Adamant, but we will not take it with just a handful of soldiers. The place is teeming with Red Templars.

**17 Harvestmere**

Sahrnia was a disgusting mess. Templars growing lyrium from the villagers, just...whatever. That’s not what I want to write.

What I want to write about is that I managed to find a private moment to discuss the freedom fixation of S with D and he said that really, it would work only too well as a reason why participate in blowing up the Conclave: freedom for the mages et cetera, that was how this whole mess started after all, back in Kirkwall. And S does like his spirits, so he could be possessed, same as the Anders fellow, which would explain his insanity and desire to bring down the Veil. Could it really be this simple?

D says he normally recognizes possession easily, but that he cannot completely exclude the possibility that S found a way to mask it. Or he might simply be guided by a demon from the Fade, not in direct control but completely obedient all the same. Magic really brings a lot of options into the play. But it all begs the question: why help the Inquisition then? Did the demon in question not want to destroy the world, and if not, why?

The other option is that he’s a non-possessed freedom fighter who is just regularly insane. Nothing much changes, to be honest, and the line between these is thin anyway. The most important question, really, is that if all this was true, what would be his relationship to Corypheus? He does seem to hate the guy, so I’m still leaning towards “ruining his plans.” Like if someone found out about Anders’ plan and relocated the explosives so that not just the Chantry, but all of Kirkwall blew up…

**18 Harvestmere, Suledin Keep**

We took the keep. It was bloody and exhausting, and included experimental giants once more. At the end, we met a demon who called himself “a spirit of choice”, and I can’t get rid of the impression that he’s the one who is behind Solas. Really, the stuff he said – how the important bit was letting people choose – was almost verbatim what S had said a few days ago. I don’t know what will happen now that we killed the demon. I suppose we will have to watch S for any changes.

**22 Harvestmere, Skyhold**

Trying to do my part in getting something out of Solas and watching him at the same time, I redoubled my efforts at friendly conversation on our way back – pretending his arguments about freedom really caught my attention. I don’t know where I expected that to lead, but definitely not to Solas finding me to chat in my fucking dreams. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I now dream at all, now I have to contend with conversing with jerks there. And I couldn’t even tell him how disturbing it was, because we are of course friends now. Also, he claimed I found him in my dreams, which is a blatant lie that really pissed me off. Asshole.

And I was right about Blackwall – he disappeared, and the only trail we have is Leliana’s report about an execution in VR that he left behind. I asked her to send some agents to check it out. There’s no way I’m going all the way to VR in person just to see whatever this bullshit is unfold.

**23 Harvestmere**

D thinks S talked to me in the fade because you can sense emotions there, so he wanted to know if my attempts at friendship are genuine. Now I’m doubly freaked out, and really worried I gave something away and what he might do. Nothing suspicious happened so far, but…

I discussed the things we discovered in Sahrnia with Cullen. He was horrified, but thinks it can somehow be used to track down the Red Templars leader. More power to him.

I also went to Leliana to tell her about the noble adoption theory for Solas that D came up with. She immediately liked the idea and said she’d redirect her agent to look in that direction. Also D gave me the name of the Magister he wanted eliminated, so I passed it on.

In the evening, I had a drink with Bull’s Chargers today, and I have to say they seem like a great group. We’ve had a long chat with Rocky about the kind of bullshit Orzammar is.

**24 Harvestmere**

We had a war room meeting today – there was nothing really pressing, so for once I was given a chance to rest a little bit after returning from somewhere before they dragged me there – and the ambassador Celene sent me just walked in like she owned the room. I’d completely forgotten about her, to be honest. She’s just insufferable in Skyhold as she was at the ball.

We were just discussing why Corypheus seems to be withdrawing his remaining troops to the south of Orlais, when she came in to tell us it was because there was a magic elven mirror there. Not that she could just come out and say it like a normal person. No, instead she insisted to dragging me to a storage room, where she actually ha done of these, without ever bothering to consult anyone about bringing something like that to Skyhold. And then she just expected me to walk in with her.

When I insisted I was not doing that without an armed escort, she in turn insisted this was top secret and dangerous knowledge. Which was a fair point, so in the end I only had someone bring D, to have him come with me. He, I should say, was completely fascinated. I was, as ever, more focused on the practical aspects: that these things obviously provided means of near-instant travel over long distances, from one mirror to any other. Also, as Morrigan claims, it could help Corypheus enter the Fade, but honestly, even if it didn’t, I don’t want him anywhere near those mirrors. He could strike without any warning wherever he chose.

So, yeah. I gave the order to send scouting parties to the south of Orlais, and sent word to our allies to get ready to march. No rest for the wicked. At least Cullen is better now, so if it comes down to a big fight, I know I can trust him to lead the army.

**25 Harvestmere**

We got word that the amulet to ensure Cole’s safety is on the way from Rivain. Good to know, that kid is freaked out and refuses to basically be in anyone’s company until, as he says, he’s safe. I used it as an excuse to talk to Solas about spirits, and some of the stories he tells actually could be interesting, if he wasn’t a creepy, lying, arrogant, condescending, fanatical piece of shit.

But, more importantly, I found out why – presumably – Cassandra was so off her game in the Hissing Wastes. Apparently she’s being considered for the next Divine, and word reached her at Adamant that the clerics wanted her to come to VR and debate Chantry politics with them. She refused and told me she won’t be going anywhere until the war is over. Still, the possibility is clearly there. Also, I found out by walking in on Giselle trying to convince her she take the job, which...yeah.

Oh, and I executed Erimond today. Good riddance.

**26 Harvestmere**

I talked to D about Giselle, and he smiled that nasty smile of his and said: “She’s really quite good at this game, isn’t she?”

I could only stare at him. “Cassandra?”

He burst out laughing. “No. Giselle. Knowing when you’ve lost and changing your goals and strategy is part of the skillset of a true artist.”

I still had no clue what he was talking about, so he explained: “Giselle wanted to be the next Divine. That’s why she supported you from the start – she bet on you becoming influential and bringing her to power. Or have you never wondered how she abandoned the refugees in the Hinterlands so easily to go with you? She saw her chance when she heard about you, combined with all of the people more likely to be elected being dead, and she took it. That’s why she made you Inquisitor, too. That’s where she miscalculated, of course – not being able to imagine someone wouldn’t want the position, she expected you’d be grateful and pay her back by making her Divine one day. Her only real misstep were her intrigues against me. Clearly her hatred of Tevinter was strong enough to overshadow her political acumen. Not that her trying to get rid of me wasn’t part of her playing the game – she recognized I had influence over you and that it would never be favorable to her. But that she told you about it, that she didn’t hide her issues with me more? That was stupid, and probably stemmed for her genuinely being unable to imagine you could care about what happens to me in any way. But she alienated you, and then it was too late, the Halamshiral ball was happening and after that, the talks about the next Divine started to take clearer contours and she saw she wasn’t among those discussed. So she did the smart thing – assessed the situation, chose the candidate most likely to be willing to play into her hands and give her power, and allied herself with her. If she could not be the Divine, becoming her Left Hand wouldn’t be too bad either. Really, I’d almost say I admire the woman, if I didn’t detest her so much.”

I did not really reply with words to this. Is it weird that I find D doing a scathing analysis of Chantry intrigue hot? Though to be fair, I find most anything D does hot, so.

**27 Harvestmere**

So. Today Bull came to me with the news that the Qun was offering us an alliance. I told him I had to think about it, but it was just because I didn’t want to discuss it in the courtyard. In truth, this stinks like a week dead fish. But it was interesting to hear him say what he thought about the Qun when he wasn’t performing for Solas: that it would be better for a lot of people, but worse for some others, and that he got rather comfortable with having his distance from them. Of course, he could have been performing for me this time.

I went to talk it over with Leliana and she agrees with me it’s shifty as fuck, and says that she gave Bull the green light because she wanted to know what was going on, but that it was a potential risk and that ultimately, the decision was up to me. I gave her a sarcastic thanks for that – she knows I hate making these calls, and so does she – but she only laughed.

I also got details on the Orzammar delegation out of Josephine, and yes, the asshole who drove my mother out of Orzammar will be there. I have some arranging to do.

Also I found Cassandra trying to write a book today, so that what happened at Adamant won’t be forgotten. I’m a bit worried about the bit about being physically in the Fade spreading too far – we’ve discussed it with D – but I can’t deny the woman is dedicated.

**28 Harvestmere**

I found Bull for a private talk today and decided to be relatively honest with him: I pointed out it makes no sense for the Qun to offer the alliance now, when we’ve all but beaten Corypheus. Sure, he still has a bunch of red Templars, but we have an alliance with Orlais and a less solid one with Ferelden as well. And it’s not like the Qun isn’t fighting the Venatori regardless. If we were preparing for some epic battle, it would make sense, but we’re not. The troops we have at our disposal will be more than enough to beat the remaining Templars by all estimates we have, and it would take the Qun ages to get any significant number of troops to us anyway. There’s really no point to this.

He conceded that I was right. The Qun might know something we don’t, obviously, but it’s suspicious they wouldn't reveal it to make the offer more compelling. There’s something behind this, and neither of us knows what. I suspect a trap, especially because they were so insistent on us bringing no army. They say they’re afraid the lyrium smugglers would get spooked, but so what? The route would still be busted. There are lyrium smugglers dime a dozen, it’s not like leaving a few alive would be such a disaster. So we will go – because I think we need to know what’s behind this, why is the Qun trying to trick us – and we will bring as many troops as possible to plausibly claim was not an army, just support, with sizable forces in the nearest town where it wouldn’t draw too much attention. I’m not walking into this blind.

Also, I’m a little terrified by where their dreadnought for this mission is if they’re offering this, since it should take about a month for the message to get to Par Vollen and the ship to arrive. In a month, I’m hoping, we’ll be on our way to intercept Corypheus in the south, and with their spy network, they should definitely know as much. So they must have a regional command somewhere much closer for the offer to even make sense. Fuckers. I guess we will know where they are by how soon Bull will say the operation is ready, though no doubt there will be some smoke and mirrors around that, too.

**29 Harvestmere**

After some consideration, I went to Leliana today to explain about the Orzammar delegation. “I can arrange everything on my own,” I said, “all I need is your agents not intervening. Also, I figured I’d bring the letter to Lantos up to you personally, so that you didn’t have to go through the trouble of wondering about it.”

She gave me an arch look. “Given that it is almost certainly in your personal cipher, I d not see why you would. You know perfectly well I can’t break it.”

I shrugged. “It’s partly in that, yes,” I agreed – it would be wholly in it if Lantos knew all of it, but given that no one does, I have to make do, “but I just told you what’s in it. I didn’t want you to have to wonder what secret messages I was sending out.”

She gave a little half-smile. “I appreciate it, though of course, it assumes I trust you were telling the truth.”

“You mean that I told you I was planning an assassination while in actual reality I was just trying to get Lantos to send me my favorite sausages from Ostwick?” I asked, amused.

She actually laughed at that. “That is a point, I suppose,” she said. “You could be planning my assassination instead, of course, but….”

“Leliana, I might have never gotten the formal education you did, but please don’t think I’m an idiot. If I had a death wish, I would just jump off my own balcony. I’m certain it would be less painful.”

She laughed again. “Very well, then,” she said. “My agents will not interfere. I wish your people a lucky hand.”

“Luck will have nothing to do with it, I can tell you that much,” I replied.

True, I’d have preferred to do it myself, but the people I’ve put on the job were excellent. There would be no mistakes.

**30 Harvestmere**

So Varric's crossbow is apparently named after his girlfriend. Said girlfriend is a fucking Davri, because stone forbid these Guild fuckers breed with anyone else. She is now here and says she knows something about where the Templars are getting their red lyrium. I wonder if it has something to do with the smuggling operation the Qun came across. But she says it's in the Hinterlands. Still, if they wanted to get it to the sea, Storm Coast is the closest, so possible, I guess. We go check it out after Satinalia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It always pissed me off to no end that the Inquisitor just follows Morrigan into the mirror. That woman is suspicious as hell, and Leliana explicitly warns you about her. This smells like a trap from a thousand miles off. I guess an elven Inquisitor could do it because they were excited about their heritage, and a mage one because they were excited about the magic, but the rest?
> 
> And, yeah, I changed the Dasher mission up just the tiniest bit. All the other personal wartable operations for Inquisitors are personal, and Cadash just gets a random assassination attempt? I don’t think so.
> 
> Oh and about Solas and Imshael: I got the party banter of him saying "it doesn't matter if they're happy, what matters is they can choose" literally right after Suledin Keep. It was impossible not to see the similarity, though I know Solas means it differently of course. Cadash, however, wouldn't know that.


	10. Firstfall

**1 Firstfall (Satinalia)**

Today was great. Sera was crowned Inquisitor for a day, and ran around commanding me and pranking everyone. There was also a huge feast and whatnot, but Sera’s take on my job was definitely the biggest perk. J prepared the celebration, since it’s a huge thing where she comes from, but I’m not sure she didn’t regret that when Sera put a bucket over the door to her office. It’s Satinalia, you’re supposed to laugh at stuff like that today, so she couldn’t exactly say anything, but boy was she pissed. That, I’ll admit, was my second favorite part of the day.

Sera also found an unexpected accomplice in Dagna, the runecrafting expert. That made some of her pranks way more dangerous than they’d been until now, since they showed more of a tendency to explode, but nothing really bad happened and it was damned impressive, so it’s all good.

Oh, and I finally got another letter from Averill – I was beginning to wonder, and, I admit, worry a little. He writes he was ill, so my worry wasn’t misplaced either, but he’s all right now. Just a winter cold. No major changes in Ostwick, it seems, so most of the letter was about D again. Averill pointed out all the things I told him about D that I wouldn’t have known about any of my previous fuckbuddies, and she does have a point. I’ve also never had such a regular fuckbuddy before – we spend every night together – and I’ve definitely never helped comfort any after their nightmares. I suspect that if I wrote Averill about that bit, he’d come up with some pretty wild interpretations. Still, it’s food for thought. Not sure what I’m supposed to do with this, to be honest.

My head was full of that when I went to bed, and D was waiting there, being all nervous. “What is it?” I asked the moment I saw him.

He took a deep breath and said: “You told me I shouldn’t worry about asking for things which are for the benefit of the Inquisition cause, so...I had an idea.”

Turns out he wants to find out Corypheus’ original family, because he thinks it could erode his support in Tevinter and help his friend in her fight, but he needs some Tevene books for that and he can’t just write for them (he’d tried, apparently), so he needs the Inquisition to arrange it. I told him that of course we would, and I have to say I’m pretty proud of him for actually managing to ask outright.

Which, yeah, is probably a bit of a weird feeling to have for a fuckbuddy, but whatever.

**2 Firstfall, Skyhold road shelter**

This morning before we left, I got news about Blackwall. Only apparently he’s not Blackwall at all, he’s some ex-Orlesian army captain who murdered and entire family, including children and servants, for money, and was hiding under Blackwall’s name to escape execution.

I didn’t think I still trusted anyone enough to feel this betrayed, but here we go.

They asked me what I wanted to do with him, like they maybe thought I was going to try and save him from execution. Who do these people think I am? If I saved him, it’d only be so that I could chop his head off myself.

**3 Firstfall, Gherlen’s Inn**

I’m still so fucking pissed. It’s not just that he did something like that – I did plenty of shady stuff in my life, though no killing of children, thankfully – but the way he behaved the whole time, so fucking morally superior to all of us! The way he treated D like shit the whole time and I mostly tolerated it because I felt he was in the right to a degree! Oh fuck, I should really apologize to D.

If I met Blackwall now, I think I’d just beat him to death.

**4 Firstfall, Calenhad Inn**

D says it actually gives him satisfaction to know that the man who’d been his harshest critic is nothing more than the worst kind of murderer. Doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have given him more satisfaction if I’d kicked the jerk out the moment he started acting all superior.

In all fairness though, Varric and Bull both seem to be hit harder with the news than D was. I guess it’s always kind of easy to find out bad things about someone you disliked in the first place. B mainly takes it personally, I think, of failing to figure it out – like me, he did think there was something off about Blackwall, but didn’t realize what it was. He has much more of an excuse than I do, though, given that they were never on missions together, so he just spoke to him in Skyhold in passing from time to time.

When I told him so much, though, he just scoffed and said he had way better training than me, so it was no excuse. I suppose he’s right – it’s not like Carta gives you systematic training exactly. They’re more for the ‘throw them in and see if they drown’ approach.

Varric, on the other hand, just went kind of...sad. From the little he said, I think he was thinking about that Anders guy, the one that blew up the Chantry. The situation is completely different of course, but he did end up being friendly with Blackwall, and he just seems to take finding out his friends are terrible people hard. He doesn’t seem to take it personally the way I do, which I don’t really get, but I guess we all have our ways of coping with things.

**5 Firstfall, lakeside Inquisition camp in the Hinterlands**

So. The random Carta dwarves I met at the very start of this? The lyrium smuggling operation the clan told me to leave be?

It was red lyrium.

In fact, it was the source of red lyrium the whole time. I am so fucking pissed right now – at the clan, at myself, at everyone. I knew it was weird, but I listened tot he patriarch and let it be. We could have stopped this ages ago. I'm such a fucking moron.

Also Varric's Davri girlfriend was apparently the one who leaked the info about red lyrium in the first place. I would have let it go, because yeah, I should have seen something smelled here earlier, so I was almost as much to blame for this bullshit as she was. But she kept making excuses, refused to apologize properly for the huge mess she made – for fuck’s sake, Corypheus wouldn’t have had red lyrium without her, there’d have been no red Templars. And then, after she finally pissed Varric off enough that he turned to leave, she had the gall to tell me that if I got Varric killed she would feed me my own eyeballs.

So that was when I snapped.

The next thing I knew, I had a hand around her neck and was crushing her windpipe.

“You rich fuckers think you can do anything,” I spat at her, “anything at all. We killed tens of people here, people who could have been me if I didn’t have this fucking mark on my hand, and do you care? No. As long as your precious relationship and your precious life stay safe and cozy, it’s all nice and lovely for Madam Davri! You’re a piece of shit, Davri, and I hope you fall into a pit and die on your way back. At least then it wouldn’t be only innocent grunts who die because of this fucking trip.”

I spat in her face then, turned on my heel and left, not stopping until I reached the nearest Inquisition camp. Varric, unsurprisingly, didn’t join me even after Bull and D did. I might have to apologize or something, but...later.

**6 Firstfall, Calenhad Inn**

Varric was already here when we arrived this evening, and I tried to force out some insincere apology for form’s sake (again, J apparently left some imprint on me, unwilling as I am), but he just waved me away. “You were right,” he said, “and it’s me who should be apologizing.”

I didn’t think so, but I honestly don’t have the strength to argue with him right now, so I just let him buy me a drink and we shared it in silence before we went to bed.

D tried to talk to me about what happened, but I’m not in the mood. It’s not like he, of all people, can appreciate the problem of indiscriminately killing people who were out there doing your exact job.

**7 Firstfall, Calenhad Inn again**

We met Solas and Cole on the road today. Apparently Cole's amulet had arrived a couple of days ago, and it wasn’t working, there was something blocking it. Cole sensed it coming from somewhere around Redcliffe, so we're turning around and going back there, except for Bull, who I'm sending back up. No need to force him to watch what's probably gonna be some weird spirit ritual.

D, of course, is very curious, and talked my head off about it tonight. It was a nice distraction from...all the other shit.

**8 Firstfall, Redcliffe**

So. Turns out Cole became human by taking on the form of a mage starved to death by some Templar. D looked like he was going to be physically sick when he heard, and my fists were itching with the need to finally be able to punch someone actually responsible. Blackwall is out of my reach, and Varric would have protested had I tried to beat Davri up, but this ex-Templar was actually here in person, according to Cole’s magical senses.

So while Varric and Solas started to argue over what Cole should do with him like the boy had no will of his own, I asked Cole what he wanted. He was too distraught to really answer, so I just exchanged a look with D, we caught up with the Templar on the edges of Redcliffe where there were no witnesses, and I found a way to work out my rage while D made sure we weren’t disturbed.

I feel slightly better now, and the amulet works for Cole, so it’s all good. Not even S and V seem to really object – it turns out their problem was with the idea of Cole killing the guy himself (I don’t really see why, Cole kills people all the time, so it's not like it would be his first time, but whatever). Now that I think about it, I’m surprised S didn’t act all morally superior, but I guess he was as pissed at that Templar as I was.

**10 Firstfall, Gherlen’s Inn**

D tried asking me about Valammar (the thaig with the red lyrium) again today. By the very careful way he phrased it, I realized I must have really bit his head off the last time he did, so I apologized for that. He just waved it aside and insisted I tell him what as wrong, so I tried to explain about killing the Carta grunts.

He thought about it, and then told me about how he feels every time we kill some Venatori. “Alexius offered me membership,” he said, “and I refused. And every time I see them – every time we kill them – I have to wonder if it’d have been me here had I accepted.” Then he shrugged. “But usually, it just makes me even more pissed at them in the end, because they didn’t have to accept either. No one is forced in the Venatori.”

“And that’s the difference,” I replied. “You made a choice not to be one, and they made a choice to join. But there was no choice involved in me being here instead of on some Carta mission, and I can tell you there was no choice for the guys we killed in being in Valammar, either.” Then I grimaced. “Now I sound like Imshael...or Solas.”

D laughed, but then said: “You’re right, though. I suppose Cullen would understand better – he doesn’t really go into the field much, but he did kill his share of red Templars, in Haven at least. Those men had no choice about what they became either, and he was one of them once.”

That was actually a good point, but… “Once they’re infected with lyrium, they’re lost, unless they accepted Imshael’s deal I suppose,” I said. “Those guys in Valammar...they were fine.”

D had no answer to that. No answer except sex, that is, which – that is always a good answer in my book.

**11 Firstfall, Skyhold road shelter**

I finally felt I was in a good enough place to try and actually talk to Varric about what happened in the red lyrium thaig. He…isn't doing that great. He blames himself, because of course he does. I mean, the guy blames himself for everything. Not that I don't understand in this case. In this case, I can relate way better than I wish I could.

He told me his girlfriend was actually married – an arranged marriage with some random rich fuck her family picked for her. They tried being together in spite of that, he said, and almost started a clan war. I can imagine – her family are apparently kalna sons of bitches, so. They all can die in a fire as far as I am concerned. I feel bad about being so harsh with her now, and I said as much, but he shook his head. “Her shitty life doesn’t excuse her shitty choices”, he said, and well, he has a point. D went through similar bullshit, and you don’t see him leaking red lyrium locations to anyone.

Varric also effectively told me that his girlfriend made his crossbow, but that “Carta thinks it was a fluke by some other weaponsmith” and that it would be real problem if they found out. I could only stare at him for a moment. “Varric,” I said then slowly, “have you maybe forgotten who I am?”

He just gave me a look. “Are you planning to tell anyone?” He asked.

“Well, no...” I admitted.

“There you are, then,” he said.

That was during our break for lunch, and I’m still floored. I knew the people in the Inquisition trusted me with the basic direction of this organization, but this was an entirely different level. I’m not sure I’m even comfortable with it. No one should trust me that much.

We shared a bottle of some terrible moonshine after that, and D had to pretty much drag me to bed and force a healing potion down my throat to make sure I didn’t puke on him during the night, but it still hasn’t helped me come to terms with it, which is why I’m sitting here writing about it while D is asleep already. A Tethras trusting me me with his most important secrets. What am I supposed to do with that?

**12 Firstfall, Skyhold**

The talk with D reminded me of Imshael and Solas, so I went to Leliana the moment we arrived to see if she had any updates about his possible adoptive parents. She hasn’t found anything yet. I hesitated about telling her about the Imshael theory – I was pretty much pure speculation on our part – but with no leads elsewhere (she is still looking, but she told me she’d had her people check all the most likely families – north Antivan with mages – and there was nothing), I decided it was for the best to tell her.

She was alarmed, and said that while she had no idea how to find out what happened to Imshael or if he could be influencing Solas, she would try her best. I admitted it would probably be helpful if I would leave D behind at Skyhold for a while, that he’s the most trustworthy person to leave research like that to, but that I honestly didn't want to do that. L thought about it for a moment, and then her face brightened and she suggested Alexius.

It was actually a brilliant idea. If there was someone Solas would never have a casual chat with, it was him, and he definitely had the brains to figure something like that out. I’ll have to talk to Fiona, of course – which is always unpleasant – because he is officially in her service, but not even she is dumb enough to try and refuse. I hope.

Leliana is a genius.

**13 Firstfall**

I told D about Leliana’s idea for Alexius and he’s as thrilled with it as I am, and asked to be there when I tell A about it. I never even considered not having him present.

Fiona was very...Fiona about the whole thing, making snide remarks about how she thought A was supposed to be at her disposal, but in the end agreed. Just in time, too, I was getting about ready to punch her.

On a completely unrelated note, the scouts we sent to the south of Orlais confirmed Corypheus is amassing a sizable army there and we will need all of our and our allies' forces to have a secure victory, so I had J send word to Orlais and Cullen start preparing our forces. We will do the trick from Adamant again: send scouts to slow them down first, and then our main army to catch up with them. The army should be able to march out within the month, from what Cullen said. Seems we'll be celebrating First Day in the field.

Cullen also somehow managed to track down the main Templar hideout. It’s on the fucking border with Nevarra, and given what’s happening in south Orlais it’s more likely to be empty than not, with every Templar out in the field. Valuable info could still be gathered there, so it’s not like the trip would be entirely worthless, but I was tempted to send him there without me. The thing is, though, we’d be passing VR on the way, and apparently they still haven’t executed not-Blackwall. So I want to take this chance to spit in his face. We march out the day after tomorrow.

**14 Firstfall**

I’m in shock.

I just…

All right, I’ll try to write what happened today in order, and maybe I'll make more sense than when it was happening.

We spoke to Alexius this morning. He looked as tired and depressed as when I judged him, but the Imshael problem did seem to catch his interest, and he promised to look into it. He also kept looking from me to D and back again, and D stayed behind to talk to him in private after we were done with business.

I didn’t see him for the rest of the day, too busy arranging things about both tomorrow’s departure for as-good-as-Nevarra and the south Orlais operation, but he was waiting for me in my rooms in the evening, as usual. We had sex, but he was sort of distracted the whole time, and actually climbed out of bed afterwards to pace. He was still naked, so I wasn’t complaining exactly – it was excellent view. But the moment he started talking about the furniture in m quarters, I knew he was stalling, and that there was something else he wanted to say.

Especially as he managed to include the caveat that he wasn’t “suggesting we venture into mutual domesticity” into that rambling rant.

So in the end I just put up a hand and said: “Dorian, if you want to change the furniture in my room, go ahead. I don’t give a shit as long as it’s comfortable, and given that it’s you, that much is guaranteed. But you’re distracted, and trying to distract me.”

“Sex will do that,” he tried to misdirect, “it’s distracting.”

I just gave him a look.

“Very well,” he conceded, “you’ve rooted me out. There’s something I want.” There was a silence, and he seemed to be gathering his courage, so I wondered whether he needed to ask for something.

I suppose he did, in a manner of speaking.

“I’m curious where this goes, you and I,” he said, and I almost fell of the bed. For a paranoid moment, I wondered if he was reading my letters to and from Averill.

“We’re having fun in bed,” he continued. “Perfectly reasonable to leave it there, focus on killing archdemons and such...”

He trailed off, and there was a silence. After a while, I asked: “Are you worried this is getting to be...too much?”

He shook his head. “Not worried as such, no.”

“Then what brought this on?”

He waved his hand. “I had an...interesting conversation with Alexius after you left.”

“What did he say?”

“I’d rather not share that, if you don’t mind,” he evaded. I bet Alexius had asked him what the fuck he was doing getting involved with someone like me. “At any rate, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, his comments just brought it more into focus.”

“Then tell me what you want,” I urged.

He grimaced. “All on me, then?”

“Should it be all on me?” I asked archly.

He exhaled. “Fair enough, I suppose.” He hesitated for a moment, then said: “I...like you. More than I should. More than might be wise. If we agree it’s just sex, I’ll start spending less time here, try to get some distance. It won’t be easy – I got rather used to your company – but better now than later. Later might be...dangerous.”

I admit I was completely floored. If I expected something, it was him telling me that talking to Alexius reminded him that he really shouldn’t be spending so much time with a Carta thug and a literal whoreson. Not...this.

“Speechless I see,” he murmured when I stayed silent for too long.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “I just...I’ve been thinking about his too, but...look.” I rubbed my eyes. “Asked like this, my reflexive answer is to deny everything, say we’re just fucking. I actually did that in letters to a friend back in Ostwick. But said friend called me on my bullshit, pointing out all the things that were different here from my usual fuckbuddies. Just the amount of time we spend together, plus I trust you with Inquisition secrets, consult things with you, we try to help each other in various ways...put together, it’s pretty incriminating, isn’t it? But I haven’t had a relationship that was more than sex since I was sixteen, and I got fucked over hard in that one. So...I don’t know. It’s obviously more than just sex, but I don’t know if...” I shook my head.

“I know what you mean,” he said. “In Tevinter, anything between men is always just about pleasure. But this has been different at least since Adamant, since you started...well. Helping me in rather more personal ways that arranging for some backing for Maevaris. And then after Valammar, I just...I saw how upset you were – still are – and it’s making me upset on a level that I...well. That I wouldn’t be for any of my old flings, certainly, or even for most friends.”

That floored me again, and it took me a moment to pull myself together enough to say: “So, basically, neither of us really know what we’re doing.”

“Seems that way,” he agreed.

I thought of Averill’s letters, and of D’s nightmares, and of him helping with the Solas mystery and offering support however he could. I took a deep breath. “I’m sure we’ll muddle through, somehow,” I said then.

He blinked, staring at me. Then he laughed. “Like the Inquisition?” He asked. “Make it up as we go?”

I shrugged, amused as well. “Works for me.”

“Clearly!” He shook his head. “Well,” he added, “at least there’s one area of this where we both very much know what we’re doing...”

I gladly took the distraction. I’ve had enough emotional conversations for one night – for a month, probably.

But I couldn’t sleep, so I’m sitting in bed next to a sleeping D, who is apparently now my boyfriend.

And no, it doesn’t make any more sense now that I wrote it down.

But I suppose I’ll just have to see what happens...and hope it won't all go to shit.

**15 Firstfall, Skyhold road shelter**

I got a letter from Averill just as we were leaving. It was full of more convincing arguments about why D and me are actually in a relationship. I was so amused by it, I actually let him read it. He got a good laugh out of it, too, and that said he liked my friend, based on the letter. So I told him that “he’s a whore, just so you know”, and he grew all serious and said that if I still thought he thought badly of prostitutes, he needed to apologize again. Seriously, how am I supposed to handle this man?

**17 Firstfall, Autumn Inn**

Today, Vivienne mentioned she got a letter from someone she knew in Tevinter, writing about their shock at D’s ‘relationship’ - you could hear the quotes when she spoke – with me. To my complete astonishment, however, she did not write back confirming the information, or at least she claims she didn’t. Still, that will hardly stop the rumors. D must be upset.

**18 Firstfall, Lydes**

Apparently I’m becoming entirely transparent, because D took me aside today to tell me he didn’t care about the rumors back home, and that I shouldn’t worry about it. I will admit – though only here – it was a relief to hear.

**19 Firstfall, Royal Coast Inn**

Today Cassandra told me she thought me and D together were very romantic. Out of all the aspects of this I don’t know how to deal with, this is maybe the craziest one yet.

**20 Firstfall, Great Crossroads Inn**

I sent a letter to Averill from here, as they offer the service, admitting that he was right in every single deduction he made. I know he’s going to be insufferably smug, but there’s no helping it. He deserves to know.

I let D read over my shoulder as I wrote it, and he made me add several superlatives about him. I wrote that it was on his insistence – let’ see what Averill makes of that.

**22 Firstfall, Ghislain**

We’re spending the night at the home estate of Vivienne’s lover, so I thought she’d be happy, but instead she seems drawn and upset – the first time I’ve ever seen her in such a state. I didn’t think she had emotion, in fact. I suppose wonders will never cease.

**24 Firstfall, an old temple on the borders with Nevarra**

Just as I expected, the place is empty, all the Templars are in the south, except for a few they left behind as guard. What’s really irritating is that they set the place on fire when they spotted our approach. Most useful stuff that could be found here was probably destroyed, though we did manage to discover a little something. Hopefully it will be useful.

At least D saw an interesting bit of history, because they were camped out in an ancient temple of Dumat, which is apparently an old Tevene god.

**25 Firstfall, a camp on the way back to civilization**

The destruction by the fire at the temple yesterday seems to have really frustrated D. He kept it mostly to himself while there, but later in private told me he was furious about it. So much ancient history destroyed, he said, just so that we found less scraps to use against the Templars. Apparently he kept quiet before because he didn’t want Cassandra or Cullen to think he was upset because he still secretly worshiped the old gods. He assured me again that it was just the destroyed history that frustrated him, so I told him I didn’t care if he worshiped old Tevinter gods and the elvish ones to boot, which made him laugh.

**26 Firstfall, Ghislain**

Today Vivienne asked me for help.

I was almost as floored as when D told me he was interested in more than sex.

She needs the heart of a wyvern or something, apparently, and needs it fast, so after the hunters she had contracted fell through, she has no time to find a different group. So she’s asking me to help her get it.

I stared at her for a moment, then decided to be plain and said: “What precisely, in the nine or so months we’ve interacted, has led you to the idea that I might be inclined to help you? We despise each other.”

She shrugged. “True enough, but I can also be a useful ally – a personal ally, you understand, not just an ally tot he Inquisition. You know it would turn out to be worth it for you.”

I wanted to refuse her just on principle, because I can’t help but be irritated by the arrogance with which she just expected me to say yes, but I caught D’s eye and he gave me a look which made it clear he wanted me to agree to help. So I did. At least the area where the wyverns live is mostly on our way.

**27 Firstfall, Montford**

I asked D why he wanted me to help V when all they do is snipe at each other, and he gave me this amused look and said that it was ‘friendly banter, upper class style’. Whatever floats his boat, I guess.

**28 Firstfall, Great Crossroads Inn**

In an effort to prove his sniping with Vivienne was actually friendly, today D brought up the fact that they could both be grateful for not being Antivan. Vivienne heartily agreed, and then they proceeded to insult Josephine in the most subtle ways for the next hour or so. I’m sure I only caught about half of it, but it was enough to make me want to bend D over the nearest flat surface.

Really, Inquisition gave me the weirdest kinks.

**29 Firstfall, VR**

I went to see not-Blackwall today.

I thought I couldn’t despise him any more, but I was wrong.

When I came to see him in prison to say how he pissed me off with his lies to his face, he had the gall to tell me I lie about being the Herald of Andraste too, so I had no room to talk. This, from the man who literally told me that the truth about that didn’t matter! I spat that at him, as well as a pointed reminder that I never lied about that to the people I considered my friends, and then I left him there to go drink expensive Orlesian wine.

I hope he rots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was no way Cadash was gonna accept either Varric or Solas’ solution to Cole’s personal quest. Not even under normal circumstances, and especially not after the bullshit with Blackwall and Bianca. Him even asking what Cole wanted before killing the ex-Templar was a mark of extreme restraint.


	11. Haring

**2 Haring, a camp in the Exalted Plains**

We killed the white wyvern – and a bunch of others to boot. It was a tough fucker, though.

Vivienne thanked me and said she’s be taking the heart and turning back towards VR without us. It’s not a problem – we travel with a whole contingent, having been prepared for more resistance in the Templar headquarters – but I wonder what it’s about.

**3 Haring, Lydes**

D says the heart must be for the Duke of Ghislain. I was surprised when he told me, asked if V told him, and he just gave me a look. No, apparently the Duke wasn’t at the ball in Halamshiral, V looked upset when we were at his estate, and the heart of a snow white wyvern is a much-sought after alchemist ingredient. So D figures the duke is sick and V is trying to cure him. I commented that it was no wonder, given that being his lover was her only claim to nobility, but D said he wouldn’t be so sure it was the only reason. He really does have a much better opinion of V than me.

**5 Haring, Frostback Inn**

Today we discussed that we might actually manage to get rid of Corypheus during the upcoming expedition, and Cassandra asked me what tasks I saw for the Inquisition after that. I jut stare at her blankly and then went, “none”. She was surprised, then disapproving and started to talk about how the Inquisition was an important peace- and order-keeping organization and how I shouldn’t waste such a potential.

It’s like Josephine all over again. At least she stopped saying things like that when she realized and I had absolutely no interest in her world-ruling plans. Seriously, do these people’s ambitions ever stop?

**6 Haring, Skyhold road shelter**

Today I remembered my dreams enough to know they were about Valammar. It’s been happening from time to time ever since that shitshow went down, though it retreated a bit after the...unexpected development in my relationship with D. Now it’s apparently back, though, and it’s almost worse than the dreams I had after Haven, except that D is there to take my mind of things. But anyway, why I’m writing about it: I remembered what D said and asked Cullen how he felt about killing red Templars.

D was right: it’s near enough to my frustration from Valammar. Cullen admitted plainly it was one of the reasons why he was glad he wasn’t required in the field often, and why he was dreading the upcoming operation in the south. “I know they are dead men walking,” he said, “but they were still my brothers once.”

I wouldn’t out in like that, exactly, but like I said, close enough.

**7 Haring, Skyhold**

We got a response from the Qun while I was away, and apparently they are ready to move at a moment's notice, which is terrifying. Also irritating, because it means we're moving out again tomorrow.

On the brighter side, I got a response from Averill. It’s very smug, just as I expected, but it’s also full of congratulations and well-wishes. D was deeply amused by it, and insisted on adding a sizable passage to my response.

**9 Haring, Gherlen’s Inn**

We’ve been talking about the Qun and Bull’s work a lot on this trip, what with the reason for it, and today I asked him what was the point of his little ‘I’ll teach you to relate to your soldier’ shtick right at the beginning. He just shrugged. “I was trying to find an angle.”

I raised my eyebrows at him – a terrible habit I picked up from D – and so he elaborated: “Most people sort of just forget what I do, even after I tell them. I’m not what they imagine a spy to be like, so they just put it out of their minds, maybe assume I’m not very good. It was obvious it wasn’t going to happen with you, so then I tried my next strategy: showing how good I was at my job – my actual job – so you would know that I was an asset in that way too, and that I could be persuaded to share my observations. But that didn’t work either, so I was trying out different ways to get rapport.”

“You must have known I had no trouble relating to common members,” I pointed out.

“I did, but I thought you might appreciate it was something that mattered to me.”

I could only roll my eyes at that. I guess it’d have worked on some people, but...”You knew who I was – what I was.”

“I did, but there aren’t many good ways for a spy to gain the trust of another spy. Only one, really. Until that came along – I should thank Solas for that – I had to keep trying other ways.”

I shook my head again, then snorted. “You really should thank Solas,” I said. “His head would explode.”

**10 Haring, Caer Bronach**

Bull was explaining to Varric how to write spies properly today. I’m once again completely confused. I know V has his own spy network, and if I know, Bull certainly knows. So what kind of weird games are they playing?

But anyway, some of Leliana’s people stationed here started to chime in as the conversation progressed, and it got actually interesting, and it snowballed into a big discussion of best strategies to blend in and pass on messages and pull off assassinations. We ended up all playing Wicked Grace together. Doing that with a bunch of spies is always an experience on a level completely different from any normal game, and this was particularly good. I should hang out with Leliana’s people more often, really, while I still have the chance.

Also poor D was completely lost, even with his Tevinter experience, among all the spies. It was...entertaining.

**12 Haring, Storm Coast**

We’re on the spot, and met up with the Qun representative. The atmosphere is...tense, and D’s presence is not helping. He still hasn’t learn when to keep his mouth shut, and tried to argue with the Qun guy – who’s a kid Bull saved from slavery – that Tevinter wasn’t so bad. I had to jab him in the side hard with my elbow to get him to shut up and he looked really irritated, but seriously.

The Qun agent was also really pissed that we brought more troops than he expected. Tough luck for him.

**13 Haring, West Hill**

We now know what the Qun meant by asking for an alliance at such a time.

It was a test. For Bull.

Would he sacrifice the Chargers for the Qun?

There are over a hundred people in his company. Not all of them were there, but still.

I haven't been this pissed for a long time. Valammar was nothing compared to this.

It was really satisfying, in fact, to watch the dreadnought explode after I gave the Chargers the order to retreat. Of course the people aboard had no fault in this bullshit, but then again, given that this was a test, they might have just been running a skeleton crew for all I know.

Bull is apparently a Tal-Vashoth now, because even though I gave the order, he didn't protest it. Well, their loss.

We should have just pulled out the moment their agent insisted Bull go with the Inquisition forces to one choke point while the Chargers went to the other. We had about fifty men directly with us, it wasn't like we needed his support. That, I realize, is why the Qun said no army. They wanted to make separating him from his men more plausible. When Bull said he'd be with the Chargers, the agent took him aside and after a moment he came back announcing he'd be with us instead, looking none too happy about it.

There were about fifty Venatori, but all of them powerful mages. The Chargers, with just Dalish on their side, wouldn't have stood a chance. I don't know what this was, but definitely not a standard smuggling operation. And the Qun absolutely knew this would happen. The agent admitted to me that the Qun was unhappy with how much Bull was sharing with us. He'd said he'd argued in Bull's favor, meaning there were doubts about his loyalty. And the operation, as it was planned, made no sense. I bet there was something on the hill where the Chargers were camped that the Venatori wanted, and the Qun knew about it. Bull chose the locations, but the Qun agent also said he “knew he’d give his men the easier job”, which is what their position looked like. They must have bet on him sending them there.

One of the things that suck the most about it is that I'm pretty sure the agent didn't know about the trap. He knew it was a test, for sure, but he didn't know the Qun gave us false info. I wonder if he'd realize. Maybe not: I doubt he has any experience with mission planning, and without that it was hard to tell all the ways in which this was wrong. But if he did… He admitted to his own misgivings about the Qun. He actually reminded me of Dorian a bit, even though he’d probably kill me if I told him so. I wonder if he'd turn away from them if he realized, and if we could recruit him. I know it would make Bull feel better.

**15 Haring, Gherlen’s Inn**

Bull’s pretty fucked up about this. I suggested the hope of that agents turning from the Qun to him, and he reacted almost violently, shouting that the last thing he anted was for his friend to become Tal-Vashoth as well. It’s probably best to leave him alone for now.

To that end, I warned D against showing how happy he was with no longer having a Ben-Hassrath spy among our inner circle. I’m pretty thrilled too, in actuality, but I understand this sucks balls for Bull, and no need to rub his nose in it.

He was irritated, said it looked like I still had illusions about the Qun even after the shit they pulled. Seriously? I try to be understanding of D growing up with stories about how terrible the Qun is, but he’s a big boy, he can keep it under wraps.

**17 Haring, Skyhold**

There was a package from Tevinter waiting for D in my quarters when we came back, containing the books he needs to find out where Corypheus came from and a bunch of others D made the most obscene sounds over. He sounded more excited than during sex, seriously.

There was also a letter from his friend, telling him that the danger to her was over, that the Magisters have backed off, and how he made an excellent choice in his pick of the target to eliminate. There was also one extremely subtle hint that she caught the rumor about our relationship and was asking whether there was any truth to them, though I wouldn’t have noticed if D hadn’t shown it to me. He sat down to pen a reply immediately, confirming her suspicions, though again in a language it’d have taken me a while to decipher. He insists she’ll know what he means immediately, though.

The contract with the no-filter letters I exchange with Averill is honestly hilarious.

There was also a letter for me, from Lantos. The hit went off without a hitch. There’s one less complete piece of shit walking this world. I almost with Mother was sober enough I could tell her.

Oh, and also, went to see Leliana, but no luck on the Solas front so far. She congratulated me on the successful hit, though, said her agents claimed it was very elegant. I have to say, a compliment from a master is always nice.

**18 Haring**

The Qun tried to assassinate Bull today. I'm sorely tempted to leak some of their secrets to the Venatori, but I guess I’ll just have to be happy with him helping Leliana root out all the Qun agents we have at Skyhold. We’ll never get them all, of course, but the more, the better.

He’s still not doing great. We talked about turning against our people a little, I told him how I still dreamed of Valammar, but I know my problem with that is nothing compared to his. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him behind in Skyhold when we go south, but he said the distraction of a big fight will do him good. So then I asked if I should at least let him travel with the Chargers instead of me – I’m taking Solas as part of my immediate party because, well, we’re going to an ancient elven temple, I can hardly not take him without it looking suspicious, so I’d hoped Bull would help with trying to root out some info out of him, but I’d understand if e wasn’t in the right frame of mind for that. But he insisted it was fine, so I’m not going to argue. He must know his own limits best.

**19 Haring**

We went to see Alexius today to find out if he had any luck in his research...and boy, did he ever.

Imshael is apparently one of the oldest demons in existence, one of those who taught the first Magisters blood magic. Older that the Blight or the Tevinter Imperium itself. Needless to say, we absolutely did not kill him during that relatively trivial fight in Suledin Keep, we’ve eliminated an aspect of him at most, like with the Nightmare n the Fade. In other words, it’s perfectly possible Solas is still in communication with him, or even possessed.

I’m now very alarmed (though D is even more so – he downright panicked when Alexius told us, clearly it means more to him than it does to me), and worried about the journey south with S by my side. But telling him I didn’t want his company out of the blue would hardly be any safer, so I don’t really have much choice. Leliana promised to redouble her efforts to find where he came from while I’m gone when I told her, so I really hope she’ll find something at least. At this point I’d be grateful for pretty much whatever.

We're marching out tomorrow. We'll go a bit ahead of the army, since we move faster, deal with any obstacles on the way.

**21 Haring, Frostback Inn**

This is going to be trip from hell. D now has a tendency to twitch when Solas gets to close – not that I can’t relate, and I didn’t grow up with stories of those first demons – and Solas decided to “help” Bull with his adjustment to leaving the Qun. He’s suddenly very friendly now that Bull is Tal-Vashoth. It turns my stomach – so what, Bull is kicked out of an organization that meant his entire life to him and S wants to show he approves? Like he’s our benevolent father and we all have no bigger dreams than hearing his kind words? It’s the most condescending shit I’ve ever seen, and I think a few more days of this and Bull will simply chop his head off and that will be that.

Or it will cause an ancient demons to come out and we will all die, and that will be that.

**23 Haring, Lydes**

Solas is now playing virtual chess with Bull as an expression of their new friendship.

I’ve never seen Bull grip his axe so hard in my life, and I wonder if S is doing it on purpose, if he’s mocking him. I haven¨t want to kill someone this much since that asshole in Verchiel with Sera. I certainly hope S won’t come to visit me in my dreams again, because I’m pretty sure he’d get such a concentrated dose of my emotions there’d be no chance to keep any pretense.

Even D, who detests the Qun as much as anyone, is getting pissed at Solas.

**24 Haring, a camp in the Exalted Plains**

Solas asked me for help in saving his friend this morning. The last thing I felt like doing was helping him with anything, but I still don’t want to be killed by an ancient demon, so I agreed. It turned out the friend was a spirit of Wisdom captured by mages not far from here. We came too late to save her from them – in fact, all we saw when we arrived was a Pride demon, so I was a little doubtful about Solas’ claims at first, but I do want to keep his trust (and, again, don’t want an ancient demon to kill me), so we destroyed the binding circle, as he told us to do, and he was right: she actually changed back into a spirit, just in time to ask Solas to kill her.

Now I have to wonder if we were wrong about him. If it was actually a spirit of wisdom, and if he was friends with it...could he really be such an insane fanatic? Why would a wisdom spirit even talk to him then?

Anyway, Solas just up and left after it was done, so...there’s that. Also, he killed three mages with one instant spell. He’d never had that power before, so possession alarm bells are going off in my head. Bull is not thrilled I let him go after that, but he agrees with me that if I tried to stop him, it would’ve probably come down to a fight, and given the powers he had just shown, a fight we might not have won. This is all extremely alarming. Not that the three assholes didn’t have it coming, and his revenge did look pretty targeted, so I guess there’s reasonable hope he won’t just go on a killing spree, but still. I’m all kinds of uncomfortable about this.

At least Cole sensed that our group was a bit on the small side now and turned up out of the blue, so I don¨t have to worry about that part. I tried to get him to tell me something about Solas, but of course they’re friends, so he won’t say a thing. He’s a spirit of compassion, though, so I wonder if that says good things about S, too.

**25 Haring, a camp on the edges of Emerald Graves**

I discussed the matter with D and he explained that spirits have different kinds of relationship between themselves than humans. So, he said, if Solas was simply a normal elf, the wisdom spirit would probably not talk to him if he was an insane fanatic (and the same presumably applies to Cole), but if he was actually tied to Imshael somehow? That, according to D, might be different. Spirits ‘respect each others’ natures’, as he put it, which apparently means that a spirit of wisdom knows what to expect from a desire demon and takes it into account when interacting with it. He pointed out that if they didn’t do this, the spirits would only be able to talk to the same kind of spirit they were, which is a good point. Also another argument in favor of S being somehow possessed, which isn’t exactly good news.

But not even D has any idea how the death of an aspect of Imshael’s would have influenced all this, or if it could be related to S’s sudden power-up. It puts me on edge.

**Later**

I am really, really pissed right now. That guy we got news of back in the Approach, saying he had some info for us but that he’ll only talk to me in person? The one I decided to ignore? Now I decided to try and stop by on out way to the Wilds, since we were going through the area anyway, to see what he wanted.

Apparently what he wanted was the crucial information that a local rebel group has joined up with the Templars and were smuggling red lyrium through here, something which if I had known, I'd have gone here on my way from out west because yes, that is pretty fucking important. It’d have been a clear indication that Corypheus planned a big operation in the south, and we could have moved our armies immediately. But no, Mr. Good-will had to be secretive, and now the Templars must have enough lyrium in the south to last them basically forever.

The idiot tried to argue that if he’d told my agents back then, he couldn’t have known we wouldn’t have just taken the information and ignored his plea for help. I told him I could still do that, and that in fact, the fact that his stubbornness probably harmed our efforts makes me want to do exactly that. He looked like that had never even occurred to him.

He’s lucky that we need to crush this operation, and that the refugees he’s protecting are hardly to blame for his idiocy.

**26 Haring, Villa Mauer**

We killed the Freeman leader (and are camping in his very nice base tonight; D is thrilled, says finally he has appropriate accommodations; can’t say I hate it myself). I wish I could say we can leave now, but there’s a few more operatives we should probably eliminate to make sure the operation won’t pick itself back up.

**27 Haring, Emerald Graves**

We spent the whole day closing rifts, fighting huge bears and running away from giants (and one dragon) without finding the remaining Freemen operatives. In the evening we came across a chateau, and I thought we could take advantage of the abandoned noble houses here once more to have a comfortable night. Biggest mistake of my life. That place was crawling with demons and terrifying as fuck. A result of a family trying to hide their child’s magical talent. D was pissed. I can understand why, it must have struck close to home in several ways. Cole, too, was really freaked out.

The only good thing today was seeing a giant beat a group of lyrium smugglers to a pulp.

**28 Haring**

We found the first of the remaining commanders of the Freemen, and after clearing up her base, found directions to the last one left. Apparently we managed to somehow go right around it yesterday without noticing it. This whole thing’s been a shitshow from start to finish.

**29 Haring, a camp on the way south**

On our way out of the Graves area, we stopped by at the camp of the idiot who’s leading the refugees here to tell him the area was now more or less safe. As we were leaving, one of his people caught up with us to ask us to look up proof of his nobility, because she’d heard a rumor. After she left, I commented that if he was a noble, it would explain why he was such a tool. D didn’t say anything, but he looked like my comment actually offended him. I’d have thought he had thicker skin, give the amount of vitriol he had suffered here about being from Tevinter…

**30 Haring, another camp on the way south**

We’ve been on the road the whole day, neither of us talking much, which gave Cole free rein to do his thing. What I managed to gather from that was that none of us are doing particularly well right now, which is...shall we say...less than ideal before an encounter with Corypheus.

I have no idea what to do about myself. I know perfectly well what the problem is – I haven’t really had any time to stop and rest properly since I found out about Blackwall and then Valammar happened, so I haven’t really had any space to come to terms with it. But it’s not like can just pause our effort to defeat Corypheus for a week while I take some mental health time. I guess that for now, the strategy is “push it all back until the mission is over”. Because that never backfires in any way.

As for D, I have no idea what his issue is. He’s been irritable since the Qun mission at least, and while it was a shitshow, I don’t think it should be affecting him that much. He always interrupted Cole before the kid could say anything useful to me, so I have pretty much nothing to go on, really.

Bull’s issue is obviously the biggest one, but at least I know what it is, so I’ll try to start there and see what happens.

**Later that evening**

I talked to Bull. Turns out his more specific issue, apart from betraying everything he always knew, was being worried he’d become like one of those insane Tal-Vashoth he used to fight in Seheron, mindless aggressive brutes. Bull’s never been like that whatever he likes to pretend sometimes, so I pointed out to him that it was his intelligence as a spy that made me first consider sharing my concerns about Solas with him. He argued that his spying work for the Qun was what kept him sane, so then I asked if it would work the same with spying work for me. He seemed unsure, and so I decided to test it out with sharing our grimmer suspicions about S (the whole Imshael deal), not forgetting to let him know it was only because he was no longer loyal to the Qun and sending reports that I was willing to tell him this.

It seemed to help a bit, give him something to focus on, even as he’s now even more unhappy that I let S go. He wasn’t exactly able to come up with any more plausible theory, nor any proof either way, but he promised he’d focus on the problem in the future. If, he added, S ever came back, which is unfortunately a good point.


	12. Wintermarch

**1 Wintermarch (First Day), 9: 42 Dragon, the edges of Arbor Wilds**

I’m glad we got here in time for the First Day celebrations. It’s good for the soldiers, I think, to at least see me, when they need to be out in the field on such a holiday. That way they know I’m not celebrating somewhere dry and comfortable while they’re getting bitten by mosquitoes. Celene seems to agree, as she’s here too, which is pretty incredible to be honest. I mean, it’s the First Day. Shouldn’t she be giving speeches in VR or something? But well, the troops were loyal to Gaspard to a large part, disgusting as it is, so it might be a good strategy on her part to get some of it back for herself.

To our astonishment, Solas was waiting for us here, saying he could hardly abandon us now, and that he’d just needed some time to mourn in private. At least that’s one problem...well, not exactly solved, but...it’s reassuring to know where he is, even if I’d prefer it wasn’t by my side.

Vivienne is here too, and she looks a little...haggard. Nothing obvious, of course, but you can spot it if you look for it. If D was right about her, then I suppose the wyvern heart didn’t work.

And speaking of repulsive people, Morrigan is here, claiming to be just the expert on ancient elven magic we need in this situation. With S right here, it’s really kind of outrageous, and also the only good thing about her presence: S looks ready to explode. I hope that when he does, he’ll only kill her and not twenty innocent bystanders as well.

The soldiers are holding the Templars at bay for now, and tomorrow, we start the big push towards the temple.

**3 Wintermarch, Skyhold**

So.

Solas is a fucking ancient elf.

I think, under the circumstances, we can be forgiven for being off with our deductions.

**4 Wintermarch**

I expected that after more time since the fight, I’d have more I wanted to write about it, but no. We defeated the Templars and their leader. Corypheus can really rise from the dead, as we suspected, and we now know he does it the same way an archdemon does: via anyone who has the Blight, including the Wardens. So that’s something.

But none of this is really all that unexpected, and maybe I would be thinking about it, if it wasn’t for the revelation about Solas.

There were ancient elves in the temple – as in, ones from the times before Tevinter even started. Apparently they actually are immortal. And they claimed Solas as one of their own, also displaying the same disdain as him for any contemporary elves.

This does, I admit, explain a lot.

D is very shaken by the revelation that Tevinter did not destroy the ancient elf empire after all. Not disappointed, exactly, but...his worldview of his country was turned on its head. I can’t really relate, but I try to help as much as I can.

(By the way, as part of that, I showed him the letter from Averill that came when we were gone. There was a sizable portion that was a response to what he’d written last time, and he insisted on responding to it, so they’re apparently corresponding now. I suppose stranger things have happened – holes in the sky and such – but not stranger by much.)

**5 Wintermarch**

We finally managed to meet with Bull in a way that wouldn’t be suspicious. “So, what now?” he asked.

I summarized what we’ve already discussed with D: that his identity explains some things, but not others. We know why he doesn’t like modern elves and we also probably know how he got the orb Corypheus uses. We’re not really sure if he made it himself – if he did, he must have gone down in power since then, but that’s not impossible according to D – or if he uses some other ancient elf’s, but it doesn’t really matter.

What we don’t know is how this all relates to not liking the Veil, to his obsession with choice (does Imshael still play a part or not?), and to Corypheus.

We spent about an hour shifting through everything that was said in the temple in search for hints, but we didn’t really figure out anything before we split as to avoid being too suspicious. Bull premised to try and get any elves at Skyhold to tell him anything hat might be relevant, D promised to hit the books, and my job is to keep making friendly with S, assuring him we absolutely do not suspect anything and also seeing if he’ll let something slip. Joy.

I also went to see Leliana to tell her she could call off her search for adoptive parents. She was shocked, unsurprisingly, and then admitted with a laugh that her spy network was not quite suited to discovering ancient elves. I’m glad she can laugh about it – it’s not like we have many other options. She promised to try whatever avenue occurred to her, but it’s not like I have much hope.

**6 Wintermarch**

So as part of my Solas wrangling duties. I went to talk to him today, and I’ve never wanted to kick someone off my balcony so much in my life (and that includes the time Josephine talked for two hours!)

He asked me whether the anchor changed me, because apparently all dwarves are idiots – yes, he basically said that – and so if I wasn’t, it must be because I have the magic of his orb in my hand. Then he had the gall to say he respects me greatly, because that’s always shown by implying you only have a brain because the speaker’s magic has imprinted on you. Can we just kill him please?

(And yes, I am now wholly convinced the orb, and therefore the magic, must be his. There is no way that jerk would be that arrogant about something that belonged to anyone else.)

**7 Wintermarch**

So.

Today D got a letter from his friend in Tevinter and pretty much broke down over it.

He wasn’t crying or anything, but...well, he’d been in a bad shape ever since the temple – even before, actually, but at this point I thought it was about the ancient elves and Tevinter – and the letter seemed to send him even lower.

“What is it?” I asked. “Did something happen to your friend?”

He shook his head. “No, she’s fine,” he said, his voice shaking, “she sends her congratulations on our relationship and all that, but...” He took a deep breath. “She asked me, given that we’re together, if I was ever coming back to Tevinter.”

I just looked at him, failing to see what was so tragic about that question. “Yes,” I said, “and…?”

“And I should, shouldn’t I?” He said. “I’ve been thinking about it even before, and what Abelas said about Tevinter made it even more obvious to me. For all my complaints about Tevinter, what do I do about it? Nothing. But I could. I’m the bloody son of a Magister. I have influence there. If you can change minds, so can I. I could actually do some tangible good there. But...”

“But?” I asked, still not seeing his point. Well, except for the plan being insanely ambitious and probably suicidal, but I didn’t think that was what he was getting at.

He looked irritated by my question. “But we said this,” he gestured between us, “was more than just sex, didn’t we?” He asked in a rather pointed tone.

It took me a moment to realize what he was getting at. “So what?” I said then. “If we are both still interested when it comes to that, I could just go with you. Fuck knows you’ve been following me all around the end of the world, so...”

He stared, apparently completely taken aback. “What, and take you away from this? I couldn’t ask that of you.”

It was my turn to stare. “Dorian,” I said, “have you met me? You know bloody well I hate all of this – except the occasional comfort when we’re at Skyhold, but I’m assuming there’d be even more of that if we went to Tevinter. There’s nothing I want more than to leave all of this, and once Corypheus is dead and all the rifts are closed, I’ll be leaving it whether you want me in Tevinter or not.”

He blinked, seeming surprised again – why, I can’t begin to fathom – and then said. “It’s not about wanting you there. The idea is tempting, in fact, but we both know you’d end up doing it all yourself. As much as watching my homeland beaten into submission would amuse me, this is something I need to do.”

I scowled at him, and pulled away from his side. “If I hadn’t seen your reaction to the letter and to telling me,” I said, “I’d assume you’re trying to come up with excuses for me not to go there – and failing. This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard. I’m a fucking Carta dwarf, Dorian, how exactly do you expect I’d reform Tevinter laws? I changed fuck all in Orlais, and they thought I was a divine prophet. So if you on¨t want me to go to Tevinter, have the balls to tell me to my face. If it’s something else, figure it out and tell me what it is, because this is patently a load of crap. Leliana asked me to accompany her to pick up some secret left by the old divine, so that sounds like a good time for you to think – it’s a four day journey each way.”

His eyes widened. “Amatus, wait,” he said – no idea what the word means. “I can accompany you, I assure you, I-”

“It’s going to be just me and Leliana,” I interrupted him. “I’d have been leaving you behind in any case.”

That seemed to calm him a little, and he nodded. “Can I...stay here tonight?” He asked then, rather uncertainly.

I rolled my eyes. “All of your things are here, I’m not going to throw you out.”

So now we’re here, in bed next to each other. We haven’t had sex tonight, which makes it the first night we’ve spent together since being in the Approach for the first time that we haven’t fucked. He’s reading something, and I’m writing this, and I already know falling asleep is going to be a fucking chore.

**8 Wintermarch, Skyhold road shelter**

I’m still frustrated. Really, if I could at least believe D was just trying to get rid of me, it would be easier – that I could understand and make sense of. But I know him well enough to know he’s not that much of a good actor. He’s pretty good at faking unconcern, but manufacturing natural-looking emotions is a whole order of magnitude harder, and complete beyond him. He really was upset at the idea of going to Tevinter. It might have nothing to do with me, obviously, it could just be worry about going back tot he country where his father tried blood magic on him, but that doesn’t quite seem to fit his reaction yesterday either.

Ugh. What the fuck is going on?

It’s good being on the road with Leliana, though. We finally have time to talk properly, not just the half-hours we usually snatch between our duties.

**9 Wintermarch, Frostback Inn**

We discussed the Solas situation from all angles that occurred to us with L, but given how little information we have, that barely took us more than a day. So today we switched to talking about what happens after we kill Corypheus.

“The Inquisition could do so much good,” she said.

I gave her a look. “Not you too,” I said. “Listen. This thing was originally planned to deal with the war between the mages and the Templars, and then to stop Corypheus and close the Breach. Once we kill him, all of that will be done. There’ll still be rifts left to close, yes, but that’s all.”

“The mages will need to organize in some way, too,” Leliana pointed out. “They are under the Inquisition now, but if I understand you right that you wish to disband the organization...”

“Yes, all right, I suppose the mages need solving, but that’s not really my business, I’ll just give my blessing to whatever they decide on, or something like that. As far as my work goes, once I close the last rift, I’m done.”

She thought about it. “What do you intend to do with all the people?”

I shrugged. “They cam from somewhere, so they can go back once we’re done. And yes, I know some of them can’t – their homes destroyed by war and all that – and I suppose we could leave some force at Skyhold, in case of...I don’t know, something, but I refuse to continue leading it.”

“We’d also need to find money to finance it, the nobles wouldn’t just be willing to give us gifts forever after Corypheus was done with...Josephine could probably work out something if we had very limited forces...I’ll have to give it some thought.”

She stayed mostly silent for the rest of the day. I wonder what’s cooking in that brain of hers.

**10 Wintermarch, Jader**

Leliana asked me what I thought about the remnants of the Inquisition being absorbed as a branch of the Chantry. “It’s a way to get money and make it work as a smaller organization,” she said, “and if Cassandra becomes Divine, I’m sure she’d be amenable.”

I just don’t know. It would work for some people, but it wouldn’t for others – all the non-humans in the Inquisition, chiefly – and besides, I’m very reluctant to hand anyone I have responsibility for over to Cassandra. I said as much to L, and she fell deep in thought again.

**11 Wintermarch, Valence Cloister**

The secret was a complete bust, it was just some life lesson for Leliana or something. Plus there was a spying Chantry sister there L had to eliminate. At least it wasn’t at the borders of Nevarra this time, and I suppose it was useful to have some time away from D. I hope he’ll have gotten over whatever it is by the time I come back.

**13 Wintermarch, Frostback Inn**

L had been mostly quiet yesterday as we sailed across the Waking Sea, but today, after we left Jader, she surprised me by saying: “You dislike the idea of Cassandra being Divine. What would you think about me?”

“Would you want to be?” I questioned.

She smiled at that. “I asked you first.”

“Well, you know I don’t really care about who’s the Divine for any religious reasons, but it’s a position with a lot of power...and I’d love to see you there. You’re not the usual Chantry bigot, you aren’t impulsively emotional like Cassandra, you don’t get blinded by your prejudices...and you know how to do what needs to be done, which from what I've seen from the Chantry during this crisis is something they sorely lack. Plus, of course, we’re friendly, which can never hurt,” I added with a grin.

She slowly nodded. “I have been thinking about the way a sized-down Inquisition could be integrated into the Chantry, and you were right, many of them wouldn’t work with Cassandra on the Sunburst Throne. With me there, however, they would.”

I frowned. “You shouldn’t take on a role like this just to deal with the mess left after I leave.”

She shook her head. “It is not only that. A position like that would allow me to keep and expand my network, which could certainly become useful if Solas decides to cause any trouble, as you suspect he might. And even beyond that...the Chantry desperately needs a reform. Even Cassandra knows that, but it comes down to what you said: knowing what needs to be done. Cassandra doesn’t have either the required political acumen or the ruthlessness needed to push the reform through. So...yes, there are many reasons why I want the position, and it would rather push playing the Game to the next level. Do I have your support, then?”

“You do,” I said without hesitation.

**14 Wintermarch, Skyhold road shelter**

L spent the whole day spinning plans for her Divine candidacy and for what she’d do after. It was interesting, and very educational. I helped where I could, though it was mostly as a sounding board.

**15 Wintermarch, Skyhold**

I expected D would welcome me back with some reference to our argument, but there was something rather more important that held his attention instead.

While I was gone, he apparently worked with Alexius on Solas research and they found some Orlesian book about elves that speculates the wolf god elves have as their main villain wasn’t actually originally a villain, just a rebel. Then he remembered how S was irritated by Morrigan’s speculation about this god when we were in the temple – specifically her claims that the wolf was a villain.

“Do you see?” D said to me. “If Fen’Harel was the god of rebellion, then that fits great with Solas’ obsession with freedom. And think about how much he hates the Dalish – who think Fen’Harel was a villain! I’d bet some of my finest robes that Solas used to worship this Fen’Harel in Arlathan. That’s why he takes it so personally.”

I have to admit ti does sound plausible. I’m too tired after the journey to have any more opinions on it, to be honest. We’ll discuss I more tomorrow.

**16 Wintermarch**

We got together with Bull today to discuss if this new information threw any light on the rest of what we knew. Bull was thrilled with D’s find, and then said: “In my experience, when you have two sources that contradict each other, usually it’s not as easy as one of them lying. More often then not, it ends up being two different points of view. Would that work here?”

“It certainly holds true in historical research as well,” D conceded. “What are you thinking?”

“Well...the Dalish say he locked up their gods, and then Tevinter could come and destroy them because they were no longer protected, right? And this book you found says he was a god of rebellion? So...what if there was an actual historical rebellion, maybe led by the followers of this god? Remember, that elf at the temple said the elf empire was destroyed by infighting. It would kind of make sense the Dalish would blame this wolf god if his followers destroyed the old empire, right?”

And, well, it would, actually.

And that probably means Solas fought in that rebellion, too.

So we have a guy who fights in a rebellion, and when the empire he lives in is basically destroyed he...what? Did he sleep, like the elves from the temple, only waking up from time to time? How does it all tie back to Corypheus, and the Veil? Because I can’t help but feel there must be a connection between him loving the idea of a world without the Veil so much and the Breach. Did he maybe go spreading this idea of how amazing it would be without the Veil every time he woke up, and did Corypheus take him up on the idea, only messed it up somehow, intentionally or otherwise? That would imply S’ ideas had some sort of cult following, which is pretty disturbing, but, I mean, he is an ancient elf, so can’t go much weirder than that.

D is incredibly frustrated we have to pretend not to know about it and he can’t pick his brain about history. Figures.

Bull, on the other hand, keeps grumbling that if I took the Well of Sorrows for myself instead of letting Morrigan take it, we could ask the ancient elf wisdom in it about this whole thing. But, I mean, no. Just no. It wasn’t an easily made choice, I know we can’t trust Morrigan, but there was no way I was going to pay some unknown price to some elf goddess, especially not with one ancient elf already close to me and dangerous. It could have killed me for all I knew, turned me into some kind of monster, a vegetable, a walking encyclopedia without a will of my own...I pointed this out, and Bull reluctantly agreed. He’s been pissed ever since I decided to do the elf ritual, honestly, but I insist I was right there too. It was actually D who pointed it out back there: we saw the defenses the temple had at the door, the huge explosion. Who was to say there wasn’t anything like that further in? If we had a chance to avoid that, it was a good bet to try. A good bet that paid off, so Bull can grumble all he wants.

But unfortunately, he does have a point with the potential usefulness of the Well. I suppose I should try and talk to Morrigan about it. I hate doing that, plus what if she decides to tell Solas for some reason?

**17 Wintermarch**

Today we were thinking about how Imshael relates to all of this and realized that S and him might just be old buddies from the war, sharing similar opinions. Maybe they fought together, we can all totally imagine ancient elves using demons in their wars.

Also I went to update Leliana and we considered S could be only pretending to be too weak for making an orb like the one Corypheus has now, but the thing is, why fight with the Inquisition then? He could just snuff the guy out. So, probably not. Or, he’s obviously pretending he’s weaker than he is, see what he did to the mages who killed his Wisdom spirit friend, but not to that degree.

Oh and I finally got back to my rooms early enough that I had some energy to actually try and talk to D about our argument from before I left with Leliana. He very obviously didn’t want to talk about it, but tough luck. When I told him that if he intended to keep spending time in my rooms, we’d have to get through this conversation, he finally caved.

“The idea of you single-handedly changing Tevinter isn’t as impossible as you seem to think,” he began. “I never told you, but...my friend, Maevaris...she used to be married to a dwarf, and he played a pretty substantial part in Tevene politics.”

“Used to?” I asked after I managed to work through my shock. An actual marriage between a Tevinter Magister and a dwarf? What?

“He was killed by her rivals,” D said, looking away.

I suppose that is liable to happen when you play political games in Tevinter. “All right,” I said, “but that still changes nothing about me having no interest in politics – hating it, in fact. Why would you think I’d even try to do anything for you?”

“You have this tendency to fix a problem when you see it,” he replied.

That is true enough, I suppose, but… “So I’d help you from time to time. Why is that a problem?”

“Did you not hear the part where Mae’s husband was killed?” He asked, exasperated.

That took me a moment.

He was...worried about me?

I couldn’t help myself, I had to laugh.

“Dorian,” I said once I was done, “we fight demons and Tevinter mages and insane Templars every day. Before that, I was a Carta hitman. Why exactly do you think the idea of a danger to my life would bother me?”

“Because this time you’d be in danger because of me!” He exploded.

I blinked. This looked way too much like muddy emotional waters of the sort I didn’t want to tread in, and that I always appreciated D himself liked to avoid.

“I apologized,” he said after a moment, confirming my thoughts. “You shouldn’t have to deal with my...issues.”

I waved that aside. “I don’t mind dealing with your issues, as you should know by now, I’d just much prefer to do it without having to talk about anything too...much.”

“Quite,” he agreed.

“So let me just say this,” I continued, marshaling my thoughts. “If I decide to go to Tevinter with you, a decision I haven’t made by far, it’ll be because after looking at all the risks and costs and benefits, I decided that it was the option that I like the most. You should know me enough to understand this is how I work, shouldn’t you?”

“I suppose I do, at that,” he admitted.

“Right. And I should bloody well hope you know that the decision of what I prefer is up to me, not up to you, just like I don’t agree with your plans of reforming Tevinter even though they seem like an especially convoluted way to commit suicide to me.”

He laughed at that, a little. “They might as well be,” he agreed.

“See?” I said dryly. “Now, can you agree to that?”

“Do I have a choice?” He asked in turn, but then shook his head. “Yes, I agree,” he said.

“Good,” I commented. “I missed the sex.”

That made him laughed more openly, and loudly, and we set to making up for that ten days long dry spell.

**18 Wintermarch**

Cullen finally came back from the Arbor Wilds yesterday, with Josephine and some of our troops, so we could have a war room meeting. Apparently Morrigan, who showed up uninvited once more, has some idea what to do next and how to defeat Corypheus, courtesy of the voices of the Well. But, once again, she refused to simply share it at the meeting like a normal person, and instead asked me to come speak to her privately. So it seems I won’t be able to avoid it after all.

**20 Wintermarch**

I met an ancient elf goddess. I’m getting just about fed up with this bullshit.

**21 Wintermarch**

We met up with Bull and L in my quarters to discuss the new development, and the conclusion we reached is: if this elf goddess is real and alive, so can be the wolf god Solas probably serves. So the assumption is that everything that happened happened at this god’s orders.

There are, essentially, two possibilities: either the god is hiding somewhere and Solas just works for him, or Solas is like Flemeth, having some fragment of the god fused to his mind or whatever happened there.

L had met with Flemeth before, and from what she told us, the second seems rather less likely – S is not powerful enough for that, even taking into account that he’s probably keeping his real amount of power under wraps. It just makes no sense why he’d put himself through all the bullshit of the Inquisition if he was as powerful as L says Flemeth is.

This, however, raises the question of where is the actual god, and why hasn’t he showed his face yet. We’ve briefly considered that he and Imshael could be the same person, but apparently the books D looked over with Alexius make it very clear that wasn’t the case. So we figure Imshael was probably another servant of the same god, which is why he has the same opinions as S.

It also means the orb probably wasn’t S’s personally, it belonged to this god of his. I suppose he can be equally arrogant about his god as about himself.

The biggest question is why Imshael was working against the Inquisition and S is working for us, but L pointed out that they might have interests in red lyrium and the Templars that are separate from their efforts to destroy Corypheus. “He wants to become a god,” she said. “That probably endangers them somehow, that is why they are willing to help us. Red Templars, on the other hand, must be mere child’s play to them. This is what we must realize. The near destruction of our world by the Breach was only important enough to these so-called gods they sent us one agent to help to mitigate what was likely an unfortunate side-effect of something they did. It is the barest token effort. We might need their help now, but we should never forget this.”

“And more importantly,” Bull grumbled, “we need to figure out what they will do next. Like you said, Leliana, what Solas’s been doing here is all just damage control, but they had some original plans of their own with the orb. Maybe it’s removing the Veil, like the boss thinks, maybe it’s something else. Given the kind of collateral damage they cause – the Templars, the Breach – it doesn’t really matter, we will have to try and stop them in any case.”

He has a point.

**24 Wintermarch**

Corypheus is dead.

Solas is gone.

He looked at the ruins of the orb left after I was done with Corypheus with this really sad look, and then just walked off, evidently done with pretending. I guess he’s worried his god will be pissed S didn’t protect the orb.

I hope he kills the jerk as part of the punishment.

**25 Wintermarch**

I’m so glad this bullshit is nearly over.

Of course, whatever shitshow Solas and his friends are ready to unleash is just about to begin, but hopefully this time there’ll be no need for me to be a figurehead. The last thing I need is another weird magic mark on my remaining normal hand.

I spent the whole day in bed with D today, and only dragged myself to Herald’s Rest in the evening for an improvised victory party with my inner circle. Getting drunk with Varric is the best, but Sera and Bull are close seconds. I only left when the arcanist turned up and she and Sera started to plan how to make the whole tavern explode.

I wish I could spend the whole week like this, but we should probably do some planning for the future at some point.

**27 Wintermarch**

I finally made myself call L and Bull to my rooms to do a bit of that planning. It’s a relief not having to worry about Solas becoming suspicious.

Mostly, we made plans for what the Inquisition should to look like when under the Chantry so that it was as useful as possible for the upcoming showdown with ancient rebel elves.

We agreed that large armed forces were unlikely to be needed – if it came to an open conflict, we would have no trouble getting nobles to provide armies to fight against uppity elves, sad as it was. So most of our soldiers would be taken on by the Chantry to basically do what old Templars used to go. Leliana is likely to need them to defend her planned reforms, anyway.

The vast majority of spies and scouts will, of course, go with Leliana to the Chantry. Josephine, on the other hand, should probably remain employed by the Inquisition, because as L tried to explain, its diplomatic standing was very different from the Chantry. I leave that part completely up to her, though the idea that I might have to continue to interact with J pisses me off.

The best thing about these plans? They give me much more freedom. I will keep the title of Inquisitor, but from the moment I close the last rift until we root those jerks our and are actually back at war again, I’ll stay in the background, maybe showing up once a year for victory celebrations or something.

Which will allow me to do the job I’m actually good at: working from the shadows. Carta can do miracles for ferreting out information, and I intend to use it that way.

It would also allow me to move to Tevinter, because this work can be done from there just as well as from here.

Especially as D realized we have our first solid lead: the Eluvians, which the elf goddess used to contact Morrigan and which led to her temple. They’re a powerful weapon, and these jerks know how to use them. We don’t know if she and S work together or not, but it’s at least a possibility, and even if they don’t, S would know how to use the mirrors exactly as well.

So, however, does Briala, apparently, according to L, and boy am I glad I helped her peace with Celene along now. We need access to those mirrors, and we need it soon. But there’s one good thing about them: they should make working from Tevinter much easier, too – especially the showing up once a year part.

(We of course also discussed the possibility of Briala working for the god(s), but so far they don’t seem to use any current agents – unless they’re mind-controlled like Morrigan – only ancient elves. That might change, of course, but I’m pretty sure Briala has zero interest in old elf gods or removing the Veil, so if we warn her in time, that should ensure she doesn’t start working for them, perhaps unknowingly. And hopefully she’ll let us use the Eluvians.)

So. I did my share of hard Inquisition work today. It¨s time to jump into bed with D and not come back out for several hours.

**29 Wintermarch**

Today we tried to plan whom from the Inquisition we should include in our future plans. We all agreed that Cullen, Cassandra and J are better left in the dark until the actual war part of this begins, if it ever comes to that. Sera can’t really be trusted with any sensitive information, but would absolutely be on our side and could be very useful, so we decided to recruit her but only share information with her on a need to know basis. Cole was rather too sympathetic towards S, so it’s a no there. The biggest questions are Vivienne and Varric. They could both be immensely useful, but Vivienne could also turn against us easily, especially as she will definitely oppose the reforms L plans for the Chantry, and while I trust Varric, I’m not entirely sure he won’t be too tempted by writing some of this into a book and won’t tip the elf gods off that way. On the other hand, having the backing of the Guild...hm.

**30 Wintermarch**

After some discussion with D, I spoke to Varric today. I didn’t tell him everything, but I did say we suspect S was up to some sleazy shit now, and that we could sue his help in keeping track of what was going on. He gave us his spy network at out disposal, and promised to do what he could from Kirkwall once he returned there, which is definitely appreciated.

Also the section of Averill’s last letter addressed to D was so long I told D to write a separate letter of his own when he writes back. It’s still bizarre, but...I think I like it. If I do go to Tevinter, I’ll have to get Averill to visit, at least.

There’s an official victory party tomorrow. I admit it was a good idea – Josephine’s, of course – to have it on Wintersend. It provided time for at least some guests to arrive, and the symbolism is fitting. The last day of winter, and a year to the dot since the Conclave explosion.

From what L tells me, the last day of winter was also what the old Divine had in mind when she arranged the Conclave. The winter in this metaphor was the war between mages and Templars. For L’s sake, I’m glad we could continue the idea somewhat. Maybe not at the Conclave like Justinia wanted, but at least a year later, the war was finally over.

**1 Guardian (Wintersend)**

D is sleeping in bed next to me now, after we completely exhausted ourselves first at the party and then in bed together.

I’ve made up my mind. I could still change it, I suppose, but I doubt I will: I’m going to Tevinter.

I told D once we retreated to our quarters, and he started to blink rather furiously, before telling me that ‘I was terribly dull, he hated me, and he hoped this ended soon’.

I suppose he took my request to stay away from emotional discussions to heart. I appreciate it, really, as this allowed me to tell him I felt exactly the same as we stood together on the balcony and looked over the amazing view of the Frostbacks that, hopefully, won’t be ours to look at for much longer.

That moment, and the ones that followed, made me feel like it’s all been worth it.

It makes me feel disgustingly sappy, thinking like that, and I wouldn’t ever say it out loud...but really, what did I have that I actually enjoyed, before meeting Dorian? This whole fucking shitty deal with the Inquisition, including the bullshit with elf gods that's bound to come, was worth it for me, because there’s now something I can look forward to that’s more than a day sucking marginally less than the others.

Now I only need to get Averill to Minrathous, and I’m all set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! This is it, folks.
> 
> Or, well. In a way.
> 
> I’d like to write a sequel that covers the following two years, and I’ve also been considering some bits from Dorian’s POV, but I have no idea when I’ll get around to it or if my writing energy will last long enough to finish it. But I made this into a series so that you have something to subscribe to in case your interested, and any new stories in this verse will appear as other installments.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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